mother
Did you think of Dad when you saw me
Is that why it felt like you didn't love me

Never quite there
my safety was spared
I'd be left scared
I'd try to communicate
That Left me feeling crazy
Wasting precious time on the daily
Depression showed it's face
When I threw my fits of rage

You never knew what to do
so you'd just yell at me
A child raising a child
Environment was vile
I was your first and last mistake in the raising game
which led to sibling connection being vain
You let me fend for health
Left Like an idle game ,
acting like not raising me was a real pain
youtube was my help
How do I make dinner for myself?
Thought that I was dying once
You never taught me how a woman becomes
Isn't that dumb
Didn't your mom teach you some
Or anything

well mother
What were you expecting
I'm just a reflection
Of your lack of perception
There is some of you in all of me
I'm a mixed up mess
But you helped me get to this

Oh mother
Tiny but mighty
That is what they called you
Not what I got to see

What was it you said that one summer
You saw the assault
but not before you denied
treated me like I was the problem
and lied
said you couldn't imagine what it was I had tried
to profess
what a bummer
I guess even the mighty they do fall
Off your high throne
You're barely five feet tall
But somehow you think you can see it all

mother
Oh me oh my
I'm afraid I've slit my thigh
I like the feel of my blood
Running gentle and warm like a lovers touch
I crave pain and have since I was 12 or 13
Which doesn't come as a shock to me
But I figured you couldn't comprehend
So allow me to tell you, help you see

Negligence will breed complexes that will prevail
And that's what I breathe in
Every morning and night
As I try to hold back from using a blade on I
And it's not that I'm aiming to die
Well not with the knife
I just feel too much inside
And physical pain of a different grade
Helps me to relieve the internal pains
I know that sounds insane
But hear me out
I'm running with a broken brain
This is the best I have to offer
I won't be loving myself
Like that self help author
The most you will get is a lack of bruises
And no more blades touching skin
beggars can't be the pick and choosers
mother
don't you remember
the throne is gone
you are no longer the vision
the child of me had
you could be a queen
but only of the living dead
for you ruled over a broken vessel
and I think you knew that
mother
as I nestled
in any amount of love I could find
you knew didn't you
as well now I do

© Jada E. Clark