everytime I sat down to write
I buried a part of me
I wanted to write about the flowers
write about the sunset
write about the love of my life
and how I was loved .
but I guess I had no enough experience
enough experience on the topics above
the only one I knew was pain
grief was always written all over
all over my face .

I don't remember how many times
how many times I attended my funeral
I had imagined all the people I know
for my father ,I hope I'd be happy
no barrier like I had been
for my mom ,she can't miss what she didn't have
I'm sure there'd be no tombstone
on my grave ,grass would grow
and life would continue
as if i didn't exist .

it's so painful living
knowing that whether you exist
or don't exist doesn't make a difference
I'm lamenting too much
I know that but this is all I've known
bruised all over and you want me to smile
if it was something else I'd just
take it to a specialist to be repaired
but this is my heart
what am I to do
I'm sure even suicide wouldn't wish
to associate with a soul like me
what if I try and don't die
what Shane would it be
so.i just have to sleep every night
hoping that it'd be my last .
© fifi