Tight-fisted Alien
A Screenplay by Digitiam
INT. CAIRO - AFTERNOON

Understanding Teacher MR. RADY SMITH is arguing with generous Doctor MISS SANDRA DRAKE. RADY tries to hug SANDRA but she shakes him off.

RADY
Please Sandra, don't leave me.
SANDRA
I'm sorry Rady, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
RADY
I am such a person!
SANDRA frowns.

SANDRA
I'm sorry, Rady. I just don't feel excited by this relationship any more.
SANDRA leaves.

RADY sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, articulate Doctor MR HEMDAN SAMY barges in looking flustered.

RADY
Goodness, Hemdan! Is everything okay?
HEMDAN
I'm afraid not.
RADY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
HEMDAN
It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien frighten a bunch of kittens!
RADY
Defenseless kittens?
HEMDAN
Yes, defenseless kittens!
RADY
Bloomin' heck, Hemdan! We've got to do something.
HEMDAN
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
RADY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
HEMDAN
I was...
HEMDAN fans himself and begins to wheeze.

RADY
Focus Hemdan, focus! Where did it happen?
HEMDAN
Luxor! That's right - Luxor!
RADY springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

RADY rushes along the street, followed by HEMDAN. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. LUXOR - SHORTLY AFTER

RAAFEY DENICE a tight-fisted alien terrorises two kittens.

RADY, closely followed by HEMDAN, rushes towards RAAFEY, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

HEMDAN
What is is? What's the matter?
RADY
That's not just any old alien, that's Raafey Denice!
HEMDAN
Who's Raafey Denice?
RADY
Who's Raafey Denice? Who's Raafey Denice? Only the most tight-fisted alien in the universe!
HEMDAN
Blinkin' knickers, Rady! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tight-fisted alien in the universe!
RADY
You can say that again.
HEMDAN
Blinkin' knickers, Rady! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tight-fisted alien in the universe!
RADY
I'm going to need arrows, lots of arrows.
Raafey turns and sees Rady and Hemdan. He grins an evil grin.

RAAFEY
Rady Smith, we meet again.
HEMDAN
You've met?
RADY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young RADY is sitting in a park listening to some drum and bass music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees RAAFEY. He takes off his headphones.

RAAFEY
Would you like some peppermints?
RADY's eyes light up, but then he studies RAAFEY more closely, and looks uneasy.

RADY
I don't know, you look kind of tight-fisted.
RAAFEY
Me? No. I'm not tight-fisted. I'm the least tight-fisted alien in the world.
RADY
Wait, you're a alien?
RADY runs away, screaming.

INT. LUXOR - PRESENT DAY

RAAFEY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
HEMDAN
(To RADY) You ran away?
RADY
(To HEMDAN) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
RADY turns to RAAFEY.

RADY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
RADY runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

RADY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with arrows.
RAAFEY
I'm not scared of you.
RADY
You should be.

EXT. HURGADA - LATER THAT DAY

RADY and HEMDAN walk around searching for something.

RADY
I feel sure I left my arrows somewhere around here.
HEMDAN
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly arrows.
RADY
You know nothing Hemdan Samy.
HEMDAN
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, RAAFEY appears, holding a pair of arrows.

RAAFEY
Looking for something?
HEMDAN
Crikey, Rady, he's got your arrows.
RADY
Tell me something I don't already know!
HEMDAN
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
RADY
I know that already!
HEMDAN
I pick my nose and eat it.
RAAFEY
(appalled) Dude!
While RAAFEY is looking at HEMDAN with disgust, RADY lunges forward and grabs his deadly arrows. He wields them, triumphantly.

RADY
Prepare to die, you tight-fisted turnip!
RAAFEY
No please! All I did was frighten a bunch of kittens!
SANDRA enters, unseen by any of the others.

RADY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Rady Smith defender of innocent kittens.
RAAFEY
Don't hurt me! Please!
RADY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these arrows on you right away!
RAAFEY
Because Rady, I am your father.
RADY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

RADY
No you're not!
RAAFEY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
RAAFEY tries to grab the arrows but RADY dodges out of the way.

RADY
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, RAAFEY slumps to the ground.

HEMDAN
Did he just faint?
RADY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly arrows.
RADY crouches over RAAFEY's body.

HEMDAN
Be careful, Rady. It could be a trick.
RADY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Raafey Denice is dead!
RADY
What?
RADY
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
HEMDAN claps his hands.

HEMDAN
So your arrows did save the day, after all.
SANDRA steps forward.

SANDRA
Is it true? Did you kill the tight-fisted alien?
RADY
Sandra how long have you been...?
SANDRA puts her arm around RADY.

SANDRA
Long enough.
RADY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Raafey Denice.
SANDRA
Then the kittens are safe?
RADY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

SANDRA
You are their hero.
The kittens bow to RADY.

RADY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Raafey Denice will never frighten kittens ever again, is enough for me.
SANDRA
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the kittens passes RADY a necklace

SANDRA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
RADY
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

RADY
Well, if you insist.
RADY takes the necklace.

RADY
Thank you.
The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

RADY turns to SANDRA.

RADY
Does this mean you want me back?
SANDRA
Oh, Rady, of course I want you back!
RADY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

RADY
Well you can't have me.
SANDRA
WHAT?
RADY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
SANDRA
But...
RADY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Hemdan.
HEMDAN grins.

SANDRA
But...
HEMDAN
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
SANDRA
Rady?
RADY
I'm sorry Sandra, but I think you should skidaddle.
SANDRA leaves.

HEMDAN turns to RADY.

HEMDAN
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
RADY
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly HEMDAN stops.

HEMDAN
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?
THE END
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