every single day of mine is as dead and freezy.
where I m judged in my castle, where I m being accused for everything, irrespective of seeing what i did..I was never appreciated for my work . in the age of playing with mud , i hide myself in the room. where children were crying because of wounds , I was crying because of taunts.
As there was fault in my stars. I didn't curse why I born as a girl or anything else.
I was not ashamed of being unique or differentable .
every time I put extra efforts on everything, for exams in school , for making any food .
but I was always belamed that I m dramatic, crying baby , irresponsible, angry bird , careless, arrogant and sometimes a murder also .
if I was a murder, then I should be behind the bars why I m here .
sometimes I feel also , I m murderer, I kill myself for making everyone happy, I was tolered for being fat . Don't eat too much , Don't cry too much , don't argue...
stop it now .
No one asked me why I m crying?
why I m angry?
why I want to be alone?
why I didn't believe in friendship?
with growing we learn, we do mistakes and then learn from them , and become experienced.
but not in my case .
I was blamed every time without any mistake, false allegation that I didn't do .
that only create a fear of being alone, fear of losing everything.
I didn't understand yet why they put alot of pressure on me .
they always said I m free ...
how ?
when ?
every thing is a myth.
if someone really loves you, then you can't be afraid of anything.
that person will never put a pressure on you as I was pressured from my childhood not being good .
every one told me that I should study then everyone will love me .
really if that is the condition to love why I need everyone...
why they didn't told me to study , for myself.
as I remember, I was only watching from window seeing towards trees and create a movie in my mind ...
fighting with the evils.
I call myself by the name of Ash ..... I love this name....
Ash ..... a girl with loving family, not my family is not lovely.. they love me the most .
they care alot .
Ash .... with immensive power to hold any pain , to tackle with the problem.
as my childhood spent with machines ..... in hospitals , experiments of different treatments on my nerves . I also did many experiments, sometimes I ate 3 capsules instead of one .
and fall in sleep.
yes yes you heard me right...
I ate medicine to get the proper sleep sometimes....
As my mind is double functioning all the time .
always thinking and thinking...
while I was writing this , in my mind there strikes an episode of my life .
I didn't remember in which class I was , but I was a kid ...
I m making a card for my teacher, from scrapbook... purple page .
I cut flowers from my old book paste them , write a little poem for my science teacher because his teaching was amazing.
we all have did this for our favourite teacher.
i must be in 5th or in 4th .....
After completing, I got happy and went to my parents to show them .
what i made .
instead of appreciation...
my card was thrown into dustbin by cutting into peices.
That's why I remember the colour of that page .
I always think I have wrote something wrong or my parents didn't like to celebrate Teachers day like this .
But I was wrong... .
As my sister did the same for her favourite teacher and borrow many for present 🎁 🎁 🎁 .....
she got everything.
where I was wrong at that time .
Every year she is giving gifts to her teachers on teachers day .
Also when I wrote my first poem during COVID 19 .
that I throw in dustbin by myself because I was scolded .
what i did at that time..... .......
yes these are past incidents but present is similar to it .
yes I m murderer because I killed myself, my innocent child, my inner soul, my little one by becoming too much mature. ...
Still Everyone judge by anger without knowing how much I changed.
I was a lava not I m deep dark see..





© Filliefortie