I was in a deep state of contemplation, my gaze unfocused and fixed on the space in front of me. My mind seemed to have reached out beyond what I could see into the vast unknown, all of my thoughts dancing together to create something larger than any single one of them. I felt a great weight settle onto my shoulders as I thought, each idea sparking off the next and expanding further until it felt like the boundaries between them had completely dissolved.
I felt overwhelmed with a deep sense of guilt and regret. My thoughts raced with all the potential outcomes of my actions—what will happen to me, what will happen to her, and what will happen to our relationship? I know I should have made better decisions and that I should have respected our relationship more than this.
I feel ashamed of myself for betraying the trust we had built together, for not being faithful, and for putting our future together at risk. The pain I am causing her is immense—not just the emotional distress of being cheated on but also potentially having to deal with a new child in our lives as a result.
I think about how much time, effort, love and care we invested in each other over the years — from meeting each other's family members, going on romantic trips together, making big decisions such as moving in together, talking about getting married one day— all gone to waste because of my mistake.
The remorse and guilt weighs heavy on my chest; it is almost like a physical presence which refuses to leave me alone. Every second is filled with regret over what I could have done differently if only I was stronger and had chosen right instead of wrong. All these emotions mixed together create an unbearable wave of sadness that engulfs me entirely and no matter how much time passes by they remain constant reminders of my mistake.The realization that because of my mistake our beautiful relationship was destroyed, along with any chance of it ever being salvaged, made me feel like the biggest failure and the worst kind of person. The fact that I could have easily avoided this if only I had thought things through more carefully, made the situation even more painful to accept. My heart ached from how hurtful this mistake was for us both, and all I wanted to do was turn back time and erase what I had done. But as much as I wished for it, nothing could undo my actions or lessen the sting of regret that filled me each day since it happened.
My thoughts keep going back to that night when she found out what had happened—her expression instantly turning cold and her body stiffening up like a board as she backed away from me without saying a word.
Adjowa, my girlfriend, and I were having dinner at her favorite restaurant, Ike's Café and Grill, when her phone rang. When she answered the call, she turned pale immediately and was overcome with a feeling of dread. She listened intently for what seemed like an eternity as the person on the other end relayed what looked like a disturbing piece of news to her. After hanging up, she stared off into space for a few moments before she could finally process what had just happened. Her eyes were welling up with tears as her emotions ran wild from fear, shock, sadness, and disbelief. She had a deep furrow between her brows, her lips set in a firm line, and her expression grew distant. She slowly put down her fork and moved away from the table in a state of shock and confusion. As I reached out for her, she pulled away and paced around for a few moments as if trying to think through what had just been told to.

...to be continued...


© Quabena Reazon

Photo Credit: Alexey Andreev