Title: I might have gone crazy.

12 September 2023

Every single day was just going fine. Maybe I saw some weird dreams but it was still alright. From the last night I felt like puking, but only saliva was coming out, so much saliva even my nose was runny. In the morning it happened again. I felt like I will collapse so laid down for 2 minutes. Then it happened again I felt like puking but nothing came out. But I had to reach school, so I didn't feel like explaining anything to anyone. Because they will say that I am excuses. They did even I didn't say anything.

In the school I didn't go to assembly. I was really feeling like throwing out. I washed my face and just sat down. Drank water then it started again. The saliva started coming from my mouth again. My nose was runny again. I didn't attend the first class. I was just hiding my face. I didn't want anyone to see me. My head was spinning crazy. Even my eyes started raining. There was no pain physically. I wasn't hurt. Nothing happened mentally too, I was fine just a while ago, the only feeling was that I want to vomit. My body started shaking too, my heartbeat was getting fast, it was suffocating, but I could breathe. I was feeling the suffocation from inside. I was only thinking “What is happening to me?”. But then I remembered it has happened before many times but those times only my breath was abnormal because of the anger with saliva coming out of my mouth, runny nose and teary eyes. But why now I wasn't angry that time. All the voices were getting louder. I could hear everything. But the whispers, they were never clear. Every second was passing just like that. I really wasn't hurt but there came out a cry, my eyes were more teary, but I felt like laughing too, like this was a state of jumbled feelings. I don't know why, the only thing that came in my mind was that I am not going to lose. I tried to hold back my cries, my laugh, I was completely hiding my face. At some point I thought I am going crazy, this time for sure.

Then a feeling came again. I felt like my body wants to move on its own, but I didn't let it to. I was holding back, so much tight. I am not going to lose. If this is possession, I knew no one's coming to save me. I don't pray, but I felt like doing it. All the thoughts were juggling in my brain.

( I could hear others asking me what happened but what can I say? can I say I am a paranormal freak? will they believe me? or they will think that I am really crazy or I say I am going crazy? Million thoughts coming in my head, then something my teacher said, “I'm calling your parents.” But I don't want to go home. I really didn't want to. It's not going to solve anything. I will feel it more there.)

( Why? God will not come) But if there's a single possibility that it will save me, I will pray, I can do it. It's not like I despise God because I don't pray. I am not a religious person so what. I knew I had to do even the exorcism on my own. I didn't know any prayers, I swear to God I never learned any that will save me. I had to make my own. I believed that there are thousands of Gods, maybe it will reach one, or even if it will not, I can still survive, I am still going to do it. I was saying to myself, hiding my face from my arms-

“I hereby in the name of Gods, I command you to leave my body,
The energy that purifies my soul, the divine that I have been blessed with,
I hereby in the name of Gods, I command the dark energy to go away,
I command you in the name of Gods to stay away,
I command you in the name of Gods to leave my body.”
(I repeated again and again)

The suffocation was growing like telling me to stop. But I whispered it, my voice wasn't coming out, I was saying in my head, but I whispered, I made it come out of my mouth. I heard a weird sound, I totally felt it, coming from my mouth, it was weird I can't explain it. Then there was a smile at face, I could totally feel it. But my mind didn't stopped praying. It was gone. Totally gone. There was no suffocation. I felt normal. Only my head was paining.

I can't explain what happened to anyone, they asked but how can I? My father came but still I can't. I can't explain. I can't walk but I did it as usual. I wanted to collapse but I walked like nothing happened. I just said it happened as same as my anger issue. But it was strange, they don't have a clue. I don't want to go home. I still can't say. Eventually I had to go I thought. I reached home, my vision blurred for a second. I took the step, I nearly disbalanced. My mother asking me but what can I say. No matter what I say or do, they will just think or say it's an excuse. They did, making me angry.

My head was spinning so I just fall asleep. As I laid down, I felt it more. It was behind me but what can I do? I just ignored and slept. Even it's hands were on my neck but what can I do?

Why I came back home? I might I have gone berserk and never tried to hold back. They just don't care at all. If my life is totally an excuse, and they're gonna call me crazy. Just what can I do? I can do nothing. I don't know. I am angry but I want to cry. I want to give up but I have to win this fight. The one thing I know I am fighting for my own life.

It feels so heavy, my head is throbbing. I really feel like sleeping forever.

To be continued...
Based on a true story...

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