The world is on fire
And so am i
I tell myself to not get angry
To take a deep breathe
To take a deep breathe when someone pisses me off
When someone gives me an attitude
When my doc marten shoe laces keep getting untied when I walk
When I miss the bus to school
When I hate myself when I look in the mirror
When I have trouble reading a big word
When I don’t understand what’s going on in my math class
The anger is my instrument of destruction
I image my anger as a violin
If the right strings are played then I can scream and yell
That’s what I’m good at
Getting angry
Playing these musical strings
I’m the conductor and the player
Wanting to play a symphony of notes to express my pain and agony
Wanting to bash my violin against the ground
Stop on its neck as I cry in anger
So tired of being triggered by things and people
Over getting angry and spitting out word vomit
Over yelling and screaming and they all look at me like I’m the villain
How am I the villain when I’m the one getting hurt
How am I the villain when you made the aggressor the victim
I don’t want to play victim when I get angry
But it seems I’m angry all the time
From what I see on tv, wars in other countries
Seems like inflation is so high to buy literally anything
Seems like the world is literally burning all around me
Seems like I can’t get a handle on it all
Seems like I’m walking with the rest of the sheep
Seems like we’re all “sheeple”
I’m walking around in circles with all the others
Wanting to make my own way out
But it comes at at cost
Looking for a different route
Feeling oh so lost
Anger is my only taught communication skill
I want to explode when my ego is bruised ,when my feelings are hurt
When things don’t go my way
When I’m sad and no one can seem to handle me
Anger is my instrument
My tool to play all the correct strings
I want to make my anger sound beautiful
But it’s not
It’s just sadness covered up
I’m tired of being sad
My music sounds like a sad battle cry, a defeated melody rummaging through the chorus of my song
I’m just hurt and I want to rest my little body
I don’t like that I get so angry it feels like I’m breaking apart
I don’t like how my tongue can shoot bullets at a glance
I know I have free will but sometimes I get so triggered I feel like a bomb that wants to explode
I want to scream and cry like a small child
Take me away from this life I have fought so hard for, for so many fucking years
Seems like a waste of time and energy
Seems like I’m wasting away the best parts of myself to please others
From my family
To my friends
Even myself
I’m a lover, not a fighter
But these days I just only want to fight
I want to scream and throw shit and get physical
The outside world making me want to act out of character
Out of control
My anger is the weapon inside me, it is the music I play on my little imaginary violin
My anger is the gun and the bullets and the tears I cry
I’m burnt out
Living in a world that doesn’t seem to care about me or anyone else
Self centered-ness and lack of empathy run deep in this superficial society
I feel like I’m always alone and always angry
Like I’m on a hunt to have it all,
Why can’t I just be content with what I have now?
I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me it’s gonna be ok
But instead when I get triggered I explode
I get angry and I scream
I’m always ready to fight a war that’s not meant for me
I’m always ready to tear someone else down because I’m always in self defense mode
I’m always ready to fight
But I don’t want to be like this anymore
I don’t want to let these anger issues ruin me
I don’t want to hate myself when I look in the mirror
I don’t want to explode when I don’t get my way
I know I’m not a bomb but that’s the best way to describe my anger
I know I’m not a violin song but that’s the best way to describe how I’m feeling
Sometimes the words don't come out right
I just want is scream and cry
I didn’t know being a 20 year old child would be so difficult
I didn’t know that my anger could feel like a curse
I didn’t know I was this sad and this angry till recently
The world seems like it’s on fire and I’ve got a front row seat to the main show
And it’s all scary and overwhelming and really hard to watch
Tired of fighting an up-hill battle with myself
I just want get this intense anger under control
I just want to feel better inside
I just want to get my anger under control

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