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ALONE, IN A CROWDED ROOM
#AloneinCrowd
As far back as I can remember,
I feel alone in a crowd & it's not getting better.
There was a stranger who pulled me in a car, shoved my head down & told me how to behave.
I was paranoid feeling guilty about my sexual behavior. Could've been the porn my aunt had me watch day after day.
I'd walk home from elementary school, wiping the tears away, just pretending to be ok.
Mom dropped me off at Bradley psych hospital at a young age.
my repressed anger made me a monster.
I was 13 years old, learning how to prostitute,
they call it party & play. Who would've thunk a 13 year old was smoking Crack cocaine.
You couldn't guess the horror I endured for the 30 years following that tragic day that pedophile took my innocence away.
There's not enough paper, but I'll make a brief list of it all.
This is so difficult to wrote down, but I hope it help clear my conscience to make sense of it all.
-gangrapes, embarrassing sexual dates, 40 facilities including hospitals , juvenile & adult prison, psychiatric facilities. graduated countless rehabs & outpatients.
Not to mention being expelled from catholic school for sexual harassment. I acted so sexual, even when I didn't want to, I did anyways. I felt I was supposed to.
Maybe the birth control implanted in my arm at 13 caused some of this acting like I had a license to blow and have sex with the neighborhood including random older men.
I'd sneak out my window at night, and ask random men if I could give them head.
I was pimped, even trafficked all the way to Albany, New York.
But why was I never taught? How do I respect anyone, if I don't respect myself?
Never disciplined, so I'd take anything I wanted , so who's to blame for that.
The professionals called it a conduct disorder, due to the crimes & malicious damage I caused mother and father.
Why do I still hold so much anger? I didn't tell anyone for 25vyears what happened as a kid.
But now it's too late, on paper my records so bad I don't have a chance.
I would love to move outta state , I just can't lose my reputation.
Due to many diagnosis, I camt function at a normal employment.. Unless I'm overmedicated. I refuse to feel Luke I'm on a cloud, and I couldn't cry even if I tried
Especially paranoia and panick disorder. It altered my personality and stages of development. trying to get that man's license plate, when I'm under any pressure I get panick, cry, and hyperventilate
Why won't it go away, why am I so alone even in a crowded room all my life.
After being prescribed over 40 psychiatric medications, my brain chemistry is flimsy flopsy.
It's all the wrong treatment methods for big pharma to make money.
I can't believe I'm a known criminal, an armed robber. Could it have been the meds? I didn't have a conscience taking them.
Why blame the cocaine? It comes from the ground, even veterans use it for ptsd.
Could it be , because it would be to cheap?
It's a conspiracy
It's crazy.
Mushrooms & mdma are used in clinical settings.
So everyone, especially my family is so judgmental. I can barely talk ti them because if the horrible criticism
They drink, and like pills. Could they be hypocrites.
I am now at the age of 42. It's so sad I'm still literally alone in my room sitting alone in the super bowl.
One last thought , I was alone in my room at 8 years old. I'd blow my nose at the end of the sheets so Noone would know....
How is it possible in the world , that knows so much. to still be allowed to be feeling alone even in a crowded room. That's all for now , that's enough crying today, I pray to God to take away the pain.
© M.D.M.UNLIMITED
As far back as I can remember,
I feel alone in a crowd & it's not getting better.
There was a stranger who pulled me in a car, shoved my head down & told me how to behave.
I was paranoid feeling guilty about my sexual behavior. Could've been the porn my aunt had me watch day after day.
I'd walk home from elementary school, wiping the tears away, just pretending to be ok.
Mom dropped me off at Bradley psych hospital at a young age.
my repressed anger made me a monster.
I was 13 years old, learning how to prostitute,
they call it party & play. Who would've thunk a 13 year old was smoking Crack cocaine.
You couldn't guess the horror I endured for the 30 years following that tragic day that pedophile took my innocence away.
There's not enough paper, but I'll make a brief list of it all.
This is so difficult to wrote down, but I hope it help clear my conscience to make sense of it all.
-gangrapes, embarrassing sexual dates, 40 facilities including hospitals , juvenile & adult prison, psychiatric facilities. graduated countless rehabs & outpatients.
Not to mention being expelled from catholic school for sexual harassment. I acted so sexual, even when I didn't want to, I did anyways. I felt I was supposed to.
Maybe the birth control implanted in my arm at 13 caused some of this acting like I had a license to blow and have sex with the neighborhood including random older men.
I'd sneak out my window at night, and ask random men if I could give them head.
I was pimped, even trafficked all the way to Albany, New York.
But why was I never taught? How do I respect anyone, if I don't respect myself?
Never disciplined, so I'd take anything I wanted , so who's to blame for that.
The professionals called it a conduct disorder, due to the crimes & malicious damage I caused mother and father.
Why do I still hold so much anger? I didn't tell anyone for 25vyears what happened as a kid.
But now it's too late, on paper my records so bad I don't have a chance.
I would love to move outta state , I just can't lose my reputation.
Due to many diagnosis, I camt function at a normal employment.. Unless I'm overmedicated. I refuse to feel Luke I'm on a cloud, and I couldn't cry even if I tried
Especially paranoia and panick disorder. It altered my personality and stages of development. trying to get that man's license plate, when I'm under any pressure I get panick, cry, and hyperventilate
Why won't it go away, why am I so alone even in a crowded room all my life.
After being prescribed over 40 psychiatric medications, my brain chemistry is flimsy flopsy.
It's all the wrong treatment methods for big pharma to make money.
I can't believe I'm a known criminal, an armed robber. Could it have been the meds? I didn't have a conscience taking them.
Why blame the cocaine? It comes from the ground, even veterans use it for ptsd.
Could it be , because it would be to cheap?
It's a conspiracy
It's crazy.
Mushrooms & mdma are used in clinical settings.
So everyone, especially my family is so judgmental. I can barely talk ti them because if the horrible criticism
They drink, and like pills. Could they be hypocrites.
I am now at the age of 42. It's so sad I'm still literally alone in my room sitting alone in the super bowl.
One last thought , I was alone in my room at 8 years old. I'd blow my nose at the end of the sheets so Noone would know....
How is it possible in the world , that knows so much. to still be allowed to be feeling alone even in a crowded room. That's all for now , that's enough crying today, I pray to God to take away the pain.
© M.D.M.UNLIMITED
