You were here but not at the time I thought you would be. I had yet to see you just the proof on the positive test or so I thought at the time. My life was a mess and i was not ready to be a mom but the thought of loosing you i felt lost. Confused. I had a sense you were a girl right away it was too soon to tell. I made a choice and spoke to you trying to be a mother I didnt see. I told you to come back when I was ready and that I loved you. Though i had never seen you or touched you. I felt you. The day came and I told your shell goodbye. I felt you leave my body and in that moment I felt this part of me die. How could I love someone so much i didnt see the love for myself I told myself lies to make the smile look bright. My heart felt broken. Your name we choose as ruby and I still hold that space for you. This journey of finding my self showing you I'm ready to be the mom you deserve. Everytime I would see the negative test I kept waiting for you the miscarriages I still am holding this space for you. Everyone says when I'm ready you will be here but I keep praying and waiting talking to the moon and the sun wishing on stars and jumping in pools waiting and searching for you. Strengthening my body and now seems my mind. This journey back to you has been heavy and deep. I have visited dragons and played with the faries planted flowers and crystals near the Indian tribes sent love to a tree. I hope you will come back one day I promise I want you to stay.
© LS