I was diagnosed with terminal cancer in November, but didn't realize that it was a terminal diagnosis
until February when I started thinking that the information being fed to me wasn't making sense
when I noticed multiple doctors contradicting themselves, stumbling over words, and ultimately, I
found documentation that extremely significant information about my health status was being
deliberately withheld from me. These past 8 months have nearly destroyed me psychologically. I'm
having an extremely difficult time finding any sense of inner peace. I'm feel tormented nearly
every moment of everyday. I'm unable to find peace even when I'm asleep. I've never experienced
nightmares like these of late ever in my life. The only common theme that the nightmare seem to
have is that I feel frightened or in danger from start to finish, but there doesn't seem to be any
clear, identifiable source of the danger.
I think that my experience with those corrupt and unethical doctors and hospital administrators
has left me a woman who is suddenly terrified of the entire world, of humanity itself. I sometimes
even feel out of touch with my own humanity. This cancer experience was absolutely the MOST
dehumanized I have ever been made to feel. And I grew up as one of the very few black families in
a very aggressively racist predominantly white town in the mountains of Western Pennsylvania. So
people have tried my entire life to make me question my worth. I used to feel that I came out of that
town stronger because of it. As hard as they tried to make me feel worthless or less-than, I was still
able to hold onto my joy. I was always able to like myself and enjoy my own company by reminding
myself that their opinion of me was not my concern because they had no real power over me unless
I gave power to their hate by allowing it to damage me. It was just words, mean looks, bullying. And
at the end of the day, the only power they had would be what I gave them were I to allow myself be
diminished by the words and disdain of people who (I'd often remind myself, like a mantra almost)
were insignificant and irrelevant to my life story. MY life story. I wouldn't let them turn my story into
something dark. I wanted my story to be full of adventure and unique experiences with lots and lots
of interesting and unique characters. Very few Indiana Townies are interesting, nor unique. I would
just leave there chapter out, I told myself. I refuse to believe that this town is a true representation
of the world, or even the state for that matter! So I stayed strong until I thought I'd bust. Well, in
a way I did "bust", I guess lol. I ran away to New Orleans when I was 16, made up a fake name and
identity, and lived in the Covenant House (a homeless shelter for kids under 21) for three months.
Honestly, my only motivation for doing something so outrageous was a genuine desire to 'test my
survival skills'. And, I know that people still think that I had simply lost my mind, or got in a fight
with my parents. But nope. I wanted to jump start the opening chapter of my life story. I craved new
experiences, craved conversations with unique people of different cultures and lifestyles, craved
a...