For a long while in my life,I have really questioned,what Christianity is.
The most important question had been between faith and reality.
Sexual Sin,it was here,I saw people err, and because me myself was constantly violated in the pretext of a relationship,I began to question if christian values were really something that can be achieved or just rules that people try to obey but fail always.
"Just let me have sex with you, just a little"my supposedly christian boyfriend pleaded,in a scantily furnished room with a bed on the floor and a reading table.
Then he would proceed to dry hump me through my clothes, through every ordeal I knew even though it was not intercourse,my hymen was still intact but yet I knew it was wrong.
But I just didn't have the will to end it.
"All Men are the same,sex is important,at least he did not try to rape me"so my little self said
He was a good guy
"I don't want to make you do what you don't want to do,it will be sexual abuse"
"I don't want to destroy your life"he said
But as I left the room,even though with intact hymen,I knew virtue had left me.I felt belittled taken advantage of, but at least my hymen was still intact.
"I don't want to continue in this relationship"I would say provoked at myself,beating myself up for staying alone with a boy.
Then the cycle would continue for the next three years, break up,plead with me,get back promise not to dry hump me,molest me,fail and beg.
I really began to question myself,but as I got older and began experiencing sexual urges,I slowly turned to pornography,so bound to pornography,I would spend hours of the morning viewing it.
It sapped into my soul chewing up the last remanant of innocence in me,now I knew sex was...