It was truly amazing just how Petra would act with Felicity each time she saw her. From the continuous put - downs all wrapped up in a condescending smile, accompanied by that patronising tone of voice that Petra loved to use.
Petra was very outspoken and quite maverick of attitude in a lot of ways. Infact during her time in various positions of authority over the years, she had grown use to doing her own thing, in her field of work and this behaviour wasn’t always received well, by her fellow team mates. Hence to why Petra always felt a need to move on, to somewhere else, in her work.
There was always some reason or another why she’d decide to move onto a new role of authority. As she would somehow pass the blame onto another person, as that was what suited her best. Which in turn, made her feel like she should leaving each place of learning, then move into the next. Even though, deep inside even through the early days of her first full employment, after completing her training, Petra’s was already at that point showing tell tale signs of wanting a new career. Even though that wild streak of behaviour was something that Petra would continually demonstrate in her younger days. This behaviour was something that she felt unable to overcome from the major childhood tantrums of stamping her feet, at our mum Patrica, the tantrums were not only affecting her in an emotional way but also through verbal aggression aimed towards others and those tantrums soon lead to not only a psychological cry for help with the eating disorder that Petra had developed for over a couple of years, which in turn created much internal emotional upset and a build up of potential physical health issues alongside Petra’s emotional need for constant attention. So, it wasn’t much of a surprise given Petra’s health history, to why she would act so unpredictable with her own behaviour, at many times through her life. Even as an adult Petra continued this controlling & quite maverick behaviour into her adult years and Felicity would quitely except her sister, being aware of her psychological history, of those teenage years.
Petra’s younger sister Felicity was only slightly younger than her and only by a few years. Although, they both differed in personality, Felicity was always able to kind of understand Petra in a more psychological way, to a degree, more than the rest of the family did.
Although at times Petra could truly test Felicity’s patience, but still Felicity’s calm, caring and quiet nature, was always a credit to her. To the point where people that know Felicity and her family would make a point of expressing exactly that to Felicity’s mum Patricia, over the years.
This was a constant example of the complete difference of personality traits, between the two girls.
Felicity was looking forward to the family service that particular Sunday morning, when Petra arrived at their mum’s house. The echoes of a repeated patronising insult filled Patricia’s little hallway.
This was basically a taster of things to come, over the next few hours of that day. Felicity knew she’d need to mentally prepare herself for Petra’s sudden mood swings, as best as she could.
Although, right on cue Petra was demonstrating yet again, the way she liked to make her younger sister sound like be was incapable of doing or saying anything, without any help or guidance of some sort. Petra’s behaviour was becoming more bizarre in various ways b since the previous year. This was a confirmation that had come straight from Petra own mouth, where she had expressed to Felicity one autumn day, many months before that she needed to book herself in with her GP and get some advice. As Petra was worried about the state of her own mental health at that time and was experiencing some intense feelings of paranoia.
On that particular autumn day, Felicity wanted to make sure that her older sister would leave her house in a much better mood than she had arrived in. Felicity spent hours listening to all of Petra’s worry about her job, her life and how her hormones and neurological sense was making her continuously feel. Felicity, also laid on refreshments and light bites, while alongside all of that she gave Petra a number of different readings, that Felicity knew that Petra was in need of and would enjoy. As Felicity reflected on those previous times with Petra.
Felicity, was already feeling quite nervously stressed. Through an internal feeling of generalised anxiety, as she was visiting a place that she hadn’t been to for at least 22 years, so it felt like attending a new place all over again. It was a wonderful opportunity for Felicity to meet new people, even though she was already feeling those internal knots of anxiety in her stomach, which heightened her inner shyness, that she was forever aware of in herself.
So the immediate patronising jibs, that her Petra was eager to direct at Felicity within seconds of entering Patricia’s house, were not at helpful and kind.
So those subtly insulting and most belittling of jibs that Petra liked to express were consciously and cunningly placed here and there over those coming hours. Giving Petra an instant high, with her self righteous sense of unspoken inner power. So whenever Felicity had built up the courage to talk to someone new at the service. Petra, would keep on with her subtle put downs, in the form of unkind remarks directed each time at Felicity.
Msking sure, that she had a man audience of some description in plain view of her. It was a bonus to Petra that Felicity was already feeling internally by attending the new place so that was a great score point for Petra already. So in adding to that feeling of nervousness Petra was making sure that Felicity felt emotionally uncomfortable by Petra’s uncaring and unfiltered conscience remarks.
So while Felicity was beginning to feel
relaxed after a while, Petra jumped straight in with her beginnings of off handed marks, in the hope of making Felicity feel as emotionally uncomfortable as possible. Petra, soon went into action when she continued with… “You don’t need to give her your number, because i have it.” This was Petra’s way of saying to the woman that had introduced herself to Felicity, out of natural social inter- communication, appeared quite taken back for a second or two after being loudly shouted at in the face, by Petra. Then as the woman continued on, directing her conversation to Felicity.
Petra, quickly spoken up in a loud and verbally controlling manner … “ You don’t need to give her any lifts, because I do that.” The woman politely responded with… “ Oh, okay.” Petra then went on to get the woman’s number, but went the woman rang Petra’s phone and the ringing tone went straight onto messages. Petra then stated that her phone wasn’t working properly.
Petra’s inner need to control situations, as always was ever present. Hence, only demonstrating her on going controlling personality. At that moment in time to not only her sister (who was already aware of this very fact) but to all of the people who were standing her to them, including the woman that had started a conversation with Felicity. Were all given a free demonstration of Petra’s very subtly misplaced emotionally verbal controlling behaviour.
Other comments soon followed on. As before leaving Felicity wanted to simply thank the minister for a lovely and most welcoming service, so she calming and quietly plucked up the courage to go and speak to the minister who had hosted the service that morning. It was a lovely nature conversation that flowed between them with a feeling of ease and comfortable. Accompanied by a friend like sense of understanding that offered an insightful and most pleasant feel of a conversation.
This was so very soon interpreted by Petra (with Patricia at her side) Petra, once again demonstrated how much she needed to take the control of every social situation by her emotionally belittling remarks, that she enjoyed playing with. “We’ve come to take her away as she can be a bit much, so sorry really about that.” Immediately Petra begin to apologise to the minister for the fact that Felicity had taken it upon herself to say “Thank you , for hosting such a lovely service,” The fact that the minister had indirectly put Felicity’s nerves at ease was something that she was grateful for.
The minister was not of the same opinion as Petra and Patricia. As much as Petra was inwardly wanting him to agree with her, at that moment in time.
It became more evident by each second, with his thoughts that he openly communicated directly to Felicity in the presence of Petra. When he continued to say to Felicity… “ I throughly enjoyed our conversation today, thank you for taking the time to come over and speak to me and i look forward to move of them.”
Felicity, was pleased to know that not all people viewed her in the same way as Petra did.
Felicity, within herself was far more emotionally stronger in character that Petra appeared to be. This may have been more about their differing personalities and the fact that they were quite opposite in their individual behavioural traites.
These types of remarks in general were an obvious sign to Felicity about how Petra viewed her as a Person. So Felicity, was not so willing to hold such deep conversations with a person of whom she believed to have some kind of connection with and who she’d known all her life .
Expect this particular day was proving to be quite an eye opener.
As Petra’s sudden verbal description of Felicity was of a … Woman with major problems, who required an assessment doing and as Petra was so fantastic with people and has had all the knowledge and has been working with these kinds of people all of her life, due to her training skills, she was the ideal person to sort this situation out ( all of this so suddenly out of the blue, through Petra’s no filter on, of intense verbal expression) while the two sister sat in Petra’s car.
Felicity was caught up the aftermath of this such bizarre belief and view point of Petra’s. Suddenly, the false sense of emotional ease and calming feelings of inner peace soon evaporated into nowhere. As Felicity was completely taken aback, with that comfort rug pulled out from under her.
It was blatantly obvious that Petra’s need to control someone again through her emotional efforts of those subtle jabs of verbal hostility and yet so sickly disguised by a fixed smile. What Petra didn’t realise, was that the more she focused on trying to fix other people in her life, with whom she found faults with, on a personal level.
She was in turn, so sadly neglecting her own life.
For Petra was unhappy in her job and in herself. That was becoming more and more apparent. Although in truth, it was a clear and most emotionally vocal frustration that Petra herself, had exposed during those few moments in the car, when dropping off Felicity.
Petra was mostly disheartened with the fact that she was not fulfilling her dreams, like she had believed that she would have done by now. Well at least tried. As Petra verbally expressed her inner frustrations on how she desperately needed to give up on helping her students, as she could n’t cope with the job any longer.
As the continued physical and verbal abuse was really getting to her now.
Even though Petra expressed a great need to leave a post that she was so well trained up for. She needed to give it at least, until
the end of the year, so at last another nine months. The confusion of her words were not so easy to understand for Felicity. As on one hand, Petra was suffering with all of this weekly abuse both verbally and physically. Then in the same breath Petra wanted to give it to the end of the year, to see it through and she so desperately wanted to leave as well. Even though she was experiencing by her words, so much abuse on a daily basis. She still wanted the holiday money, which is what she used pay for. So Felicity, very calming and kindly continued to listen to Petra and all of her life’s frustrations even after the way Petra had been so rude in her manner and so weird in her social behaviour. In the way she was acting with Felicity, only just a short while earlier that day.
Petra was in need of a pet prodject to make herself feel emotionally better.
As her daughter was creating more and more of a personal social life for herself. Then Petra’s son was no longer living at home, but would visit her as and when possible. So Petra was feeling at a bit of a loss, as she now needed to fill up the gaps in her life that would rattle in the corners of her mind like empty cages.
So a new project was something that she was needing to focus on.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t a natural hobby of sorts that took her fancy.
It was a deepening desire to take back the control that she no longer had.
Instead she refocused her mindset on Felicity, her younger sister (who was a grown woman only a few years younger than Petra and she didn’t require any psychological fixing of any sort) but Petra was stubborn and could be described as difficult by others in her own life. Petra had created a person problem in her mind , like some sort of imaginary idea that wasn’t real and that didn’t need fixing.
In psychology, you come to learn to understand that each person requires a strong purpose in their life to keep them moving towards. A specific goal that they have chosen to work towards, hence creating a healthy development of understanding. Just like a seed that needs water and sunshine to help it to grow.
Most people, can focus without becoming so obsessive and hence not developing such great amount of cohesive or controlling or submissive behaviours. As these all carry with them aspects of paranoia and a sense of mania and a continued need to feel
that everyone requires a form of fixing or sorting out in some way. A feeling of inner empowerment, that is not of the healthy kind. Instead, it becomes a desire to control and conquer whatever the mindset is focused on.
Unfortunately, for Petra she was so very blinded by her own emotional
hang ups and insecurities that was putting her in this exact pathway. Which would eventually only lead to a steady implosive action of self- destruction. So when the following words fell out of Petra’s mouth…
“I am going to get you assessed Felicity, because you still need an assessment and i I haven’t forgotten that I’m going to take you. So don’t worry about it as i am still going to sort it out for you.as I’m the person to sort it out. As I’m trained in all of this sort of thing.” This was not only shocking news to Felicity ears, but she suddenly became so silently motionless. All due to neurological and emotional shock, that was attached to the sudden words that had just fell from Petra’s mouth. Petra’s tone of voice with her unfiltered words, we’re coming back like a boomerang into Felicity’s ears.
It was true to say that Petra’s news was sadly failing her at this point. It was more of a cry for help of Petra’s own behaviour and life. Maybe, a verbal reflection of an need for emergency attention in more than just, an unfulfilled emotional level and dream like desire.
What Petra managed to convey was that she desperately needed her ego stroking.
As in truth, Petra was the one that was on a close decline of some sort of Psychological misplacement from herself.
The fact that Petra was trying to redirect her feelings of human inadequacy, was showing clear signs that Petra was moving on a downhill slope.
Felicity politely said goodbye and went into her house. She couldn’t believe what she had just heard as it made no sense at all. As Felicity was aware that she hadn’t killed anyone, she wasn’t on a wanted list, she only received pleasant communications from the people d she knew. So it must be Petra who had some sort of obsessive personal thing going on. This would soon be more of a confirmation regarding Petra’s own behavioural issues, once Felicity received even more painful headache messages from Petra that evening. So as soon as Petra started to send out a handful of messages all stating the same thing and explaining just how imperfect Felicity actually was. Throughout Petra’s gradual description of how Felicity needed to be so fixed and that Petra was the one person who could sort her problem out. Later in the afternoon and also going into the evening. After reading a couple of online messages from Petra, Felicity politely explained herself in the calmest and clearest way possible for Petra to understand.
Making sure that she didn’t lower herself to the same tone in conversation as Petra had done. Then a passing thought, moved through Felicity’s mind… “Sometimes, we all need to put that radio on silent, as a way to gain a clearer and much needed sense of calm. To reconnect with that inner light, that sense of self. That can at times be dulled, by those external moments of negativity, sadly.”

(08/04/24)
























© Josephine Daniels.