“It was dark. I couldn’t see clearly, but why were you holding that light?”
They called me brave, fearless. I wasn’t afraid of anybody, I supposed. Maybe I perceived darkness. Life itself is unfair. I didn’t fear death. I was breathing, but I didn’t know why I was still living. I was like this, since I learned remembering things.
I could wake up at midnight, or at dawn depending on when my mother would cry, and when my father would break things in the house and beat my mother into a pulp. He wasn’t even drunk. I didn’t know what his problem was. I see my older brothers crying, begging my father to stop. He just wouldn’t listen. No one could stop him. I was young then when I realized, there’s no such thing as ‘love’; none even in a unit called “family.”
I was attending school, only to get out of the hell I was living. I wasn’t paying attention to the class. I had no interest in studying. I was just a bully. I solve everything with my fists and kicks. I talk through glaring eyes. I was ahead of everyone. I looked them down. My cold-blooded self. My heart incarcerated with anger and abhorrence. I had a company. I had my minions. Yet, I knew, I was really alone.
I was supposed to be the top in the world I was in, but I had no power against a teacher. Damn! I hated teachers. I just couldn’t say ‘no’ to them.
I was assigned to sit in front, right next to the guy who was labeled as the “top” student. The thing about that nerd was that he was really nice to everybody. Sitting next to him was like angel and devil in one frame.
I was silent the whole class hours as right next to me was a window. I couldn’t even sleep in class. I looked at the nerd beside me, thinking how could I get him to talk to me. He probably noticed me looking at him that he twisted his head to me. I just glared at him and that arrogant nerd just smiled at me.
The following days, he started talking to me about the class’s boring subjects. I just kept glaring at him, and he would just smile at me. I grabbed his collar one time, to make him back off. If he was somebody else from my class, he would probably piss his pants. But that nerd was somewhat arrogant. It may be because he was a top student that he thought he had the teachers on his back.
My classroom turned into hell, as well. That nerd kept getting into my nerves. He would put a whole sheet of paper full of notes. Study this, and that. Remember these, and those. I hated the fact that I couldn’t do something about him. Why? His father and mine are friends. He got to see my father often times. I was afraid he’d tell my father that I hurt him, if I would.
I was sitting behind the old, big tree alone. Thinking about my misfortune. I was always putting on my grumpy face, but behind that was my sadness and pain. How could I not experience the things others had? My family was whole, but why did I feel like I don’t have them at all? I didn’t experience dinning with them together, though we are in the same house.
Tears fell down my cheeks, and right beside me was water, flowing like someone is watering a plant. I wiped the tears before I turned to look who it was. Damn! It wasn’t even from a water hose, but from that nerd who was pissing right beside the tree I was hiding. We both shouted in surprised as I turned away not to look at his thing. A few moments and he gave me a nudge. I turned and glared at him. He was blushing in embarrassment. I guess top student had flaws, too. Indeed, no one is perfect.
I pointed the sign, ‘no peeing’. He begged me not to tell anyone about it. I smirked, I asked him on what would I get from it. He plainly said, he would tutor me for free. I smirked again; it was not a good deal. I didn’t even have interest in studying. He continued by saying that he won’t tell anyone about me crying. I glared at him. He smirked at back at me. I couldn’t explain, but crying is a shame for me.
Then on, I spent my vacant time with him. After class, and even before class. I went to school before time. Only then, did I realize, studying isn’t bad at all. It was actually fun. It was amazing for me to understand the questions during tests, and I felt great understanding what my teacher was saying during discussions. I scored more than half of my scores before. My grades went up. However, I heard my classmates said that I only copied from my seatmate, the nerd. I was ready to beat them up when he grabbed me by my bag. I glared at him, and my classmates looked at us. I guessed they were afraid of me hearing them gossiped.
The nerd opened my bag, “let me copy your assignment in Math, I couldn’t solve the item three and five.” I was left speechless. I just looked at him taking my bag and walked to his seat. I followed him, ignoring my classmates. He took his notebook and pretended to copy my work. I knew, he just wanted to help me without causing trouble. He looked at me and told me that it wasn’t enough to score in the tests, I should participate more in class.
After that, he held my hand and raised it up for the teacher to call me in oral participation. I was nervous to talk in front of the class, I was scared of making mistake, but there he was, smiling at me as if he never doubted me. I was shaking, but I did it. For the first time, a teacher told me I was good. It might just be nothing to others, but it made me so happy. I studied harder and I actually made it into the fifth place.
Time passed, that nerd became my friend. He would bring me into swimming during summer. He taught me how to play badminton, volley ball and even basketball. He made me read those life changing books which made me quit being a bully.
The next school years, I got to participate in schools’ contests and won some titles. There are contests that we participated together. The students in our school, they became my friends: true friends. They even told me how much I’ve changed since I become friends with the nerd.
He was the campus crush, a lot of students wished to be me, having to talk with him, and be with him. I didn’t get what they see in him. He was just a plain guy to me. Except he’s smart, nothing is interesting about him. I managed to come second to him during graduation. That time, there were my mother, and father. I even cried as we sing the graduation song. I was so happy.

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