"Big spoon"
"Why?" I chuckled "why do you always want to be the big spoon? You are shorter than me"
"So, it doesn't matter" you pouted and looked at me with puppy eyes.
I smiled and jumped on the bed to take the position. You followed and snuggled me from behind.
You buried your nose in my neck and sighed. "I like to hold you like a koala."
There was silence for some time. Comfortable, peaceful.
You started to make circles on my shoulder with your finger, a sign of nervousness in you.
"Hey… wanna talk?" I asked softly but did not move. You were not a person of words. Expressing yourself was harder for you than finding a mermaid.
"I want to say something," you mumbled.
"Should I turn?"
"No, please" your grip on me tightened "I don't think I can say anything if you look" your voice cracked. It was not easy for you but you tried. You took a long pause before your next word. I was waiting for your voice. Your fingers moved to my back and did the same circular motion. You took a deep sigh before speaking
"I don't know how to say it but… it's just…I am afraid. I am afraid because I know I don't deserve you. You are… beautiful, smart, you are good, no best, you are everything a person can desire. And I am…I am nothing. I am no one in front of you. Sometimes, I just wonder why you chose me. I am afraid that one day, you will realize that. One day you will see that I am not good for you and you… you leave me. For someone, better than me, better for you. I don't know what I will do then. And you know the worst part is… I could not blame you for anything because it's just…what it should be, right? I mean, you deserve the best in the world and if there is any chance, you should grab it right… that's how life works. But I… I can't. I don't think I can ever live without you. You are the only person I ever come close to. You are the only person I love. Whenever I see a future, you are there. With me. Whenever I smile, you are the reason. Whenever I wake up in the morning because I want to see your face. You are everything to me. I love you. I want you. You are important to my life. You are always too good to me. You care, you give me a life I could only imagine. You may think I am selfish…but, I don't want to wake up from this dream. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to live any second without you." You were crying. Sniffing between your words.
I was struggling with my tears. Did not allow them to come out. I wanted to turn toward you, hold you tightly in my arms, and wanted to say soothing words in your ears. I wanted to scold you for thinking that I can ever leave you, doubting my love for you. But I did not because I knew you. I did not want to embarrass you. You never liked to see that raw by anyone.
"Sleep, love. Tomorrow you have an early meeting" that's all I said and shuffled to come closer to you. You hugged me with all the emotions you can. Still crying, you shoved your nose in my hair from behind
"Thank you for choosing me"
"Good night" I did hate myself for whatever was happening in your mind. Your insecurities were not because of you. I should have taken care of you but I failed myself.
"Good night," you said and slept.
But that was a long and sleepless night for me.


© savii