Life has become a joke for me. I am always on the edge, ready to explode every moment. But if I consider it twice, I find it really ridiculous. Crying is for weakness, that's how I was shapped since I remember, though I now realise its the opposite. I still don't have the courage to be vulnerable to anyone, to fully trust anyone. Whenever I find myself tearing up, I find another reason to shut myself off any emotions. Sometimes I make fun of others just to distract myself. It doesn't help either but for a moment it makes me forget the pain. If nothing else works, I stand in the mirror, makes face by myself until I laugh rolling in the floor.

But there are days when I don't even want to get out of bed, see the world, I would just rather be alone, lights all shut, in complete darkness. It may sound weird but I guess it's soothing for me. Then that's when I second guess my existence. All the reasons I should give up. Alpha, my dog is the only one keeping me sane now. He is my responsibility, and I won't fail him. This thought is what keeps me going on. Hopefully in the future I will be better, pain and grief can't last forever.

It's okay to have hard days sometimes, we might even feel like giving up, but there is always a glimpse of hope, And as long as we keep holding on to that hope, everything will turn out perfectly fine.


© Rejila