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I could never, I would never, but I did ( mature content)
I could never.. I would Never… but i did…
Staring at the ground i couldnt move. My eyes were open to the point where i could even feel my pupils trembling. Yes my eyes were open but all i could see before me was a cross stitch of blue in the carpet as my mind exacerbated my thoughts into a blinding psychosis. As if a revolting, revolving banter banner scrolling around my mind that asked What have i done? What did I do? How do i feel? Is this real? How could i? Why would I? And What is it i do next.
I feel now as if my brain after the fact was conveying these questions as a slot machine. Scrolling through the who what, where, whys in trying to figure out which is of most importance. Which question do i answer first that is most vital to regaining some sort of clarity of mind. When as if the banner seized itself in entirety that I noticed the sound of the tv in the other room slowly bring itself back into my awareness.
I noticed the rubber foot stops on the chairs beside me within my peripheral. I could taste that last sip of beer i had had, as well the ridges that made up the fibers of my finger tips. I lifted my head slowly along with my eyes and caught glimpse of a blood stained foot that peeked out from behind the sofa. Then i smiled.
Looking back down at the ground i shook my head. I smiled from ear to ear then frowned in a cycle of my own madness. Tears stained my teeth as i questioned what i had done in my manic state of horror and tranquility. I didnt feel remorse, nor did i question my sanity. I more so tried to access how i felt in entirety about it.
In the moments before i killed her she boasted her own dominance of strength over me. She made claims that I was to be the one faced with a loss in a physical altercation with her. She asked what the fuck it was i was going to do? Certainly she couldnt believe the lies that spilled from her mouth, although the bitch always had lips painted with ignorance. I had stood there as i always have, head down and silent.
I looked on as she broke things of mine. Things that took hours, even days i took making. She smashed gifts that were given to me as a child, and broke the necklace around my neck that was left to me from my father before he past. In retrospect I never understood why i wore the necklace so close to my chest for my father was not anyone that somebody would admire. Especially not in my eyes. She knew this and ranted about how i was just as pathetic a loser as he was and that was all i´d ever be. Still i stood there head down and motionless.
After her tyrant she went into the bathroom and slammed the door. I remember hearing the water run in the bath tub. Still i stood there motionless, lost in my own cascade of emotions. I wasnt able to bring myself back to balance until i heard the creaking sound of the water being stopped. Knowing now i had at least 30 min before she would be finished I hopped on the bed and tried to drive the tension out with some music. She had broke my headphones so i put her ear buds in, closed my eyes and zoned out to some my jams.
I didnt hear her exit the bathroom. It wasnt until the earphones wer ripped from my head that she made her presence known. She asked about what i was doing and why i thought it was ok to use her ear buds. Even though i wanted to state the obvious, I gripped my fist and decided not to waste my breath. She then said something that caused me to react.
¨How would you like it if i used your desk?¨ she said. My desk was where i wrote, where i did my work, it was my place of solitude. When i wrote i felt serene. As if my desk was on the beach and i could write next to the ocean. It was where i escaped from the pains of reality and relished in the matrimony of my poetry. Her demeanor told me she was set to disturb my place of peace.
Immediately i left the bed and dashed for the door to our room, blocking off the exit. I said i was sorry, and i begged her to let us go to bed. She told me to move and laughed at my bold attempt to stop her from doing what ever she wanted. She tried to move past me but i stood my ground firmly in the door way. She even threatened me to move or else…..In my mind i laughed at the thought of or else what? Regardless of her claims of being able to over power me, I knew the truth. I may be pathetic at times and unconfrontational but anyone with eyes could see the enormous size difference between us.
Eventually she got passed me and as predicted she walked straight towards my desk. Her face a nasty scowl. ¨oh what your afraid ill tear up that story youll never publish?¨ she said. I warned her not to touch anything ….. I warned her …..I fucking warned her. But she didnt listen.
She lifted a few pieces of paper from off my desk and tried to tear them up. After she tore the first few pieces i grabbed her hand and told her to stop! She demanded i get my hands off of her. This time i didnt listen. I pulled her by the wrist away from my desk. She again threatened i let go of her or else ( and again i thought or else what) this time i visibly smiled at the thought. She then hit me again and again to the chest, which felt like next to nothing to me. Until she hit me in the face. Which im not gonna lie hurt, and i dropped to one knee. She then continued to hit me until she tried to pull away from my grip.
Thats when i tightened my grasp even more and i heard her whimper. ¨Let go of me you fucking loser! Your hurting me!¨
She tried to pull away again thats when i instinctively snapped her wrist back and let go. I heard a snap! And she fell to the ground. She sobbed in pain, I felt so much regret but when i went to comfort her she cried and pushed me away. Telling me to get the fuck back. ¨Im calling the cops you fucking psycho! You broke my wrist! Your going straight to jail you piece of shit!¨
I knew noone would take my side in the assault and surely she would play the innocent victim card. She began dialing 911 so i ripped the phone out of her hand and threw the telephone across the room. The look of fear finally glazed over her eyes……. Her expression appealed to me. When she began to scream for help i had to keep her quiet, so i quickly grabbed her throat. ¨ What the hell are you doing!? Someone will hear you, you stupid fucking bitch. You couldnt just leave my desk alone? You fucking did this to yourself. What was i suppose to do huh? Just sit back and let you shred the only thing i have left!?¨
In the mist of my talking i didnt realize how tightly my hand was around her throat. ¨let me go¨ she asked as i could tell the air in her lungs was becoming clearly less abundant. This is where i repeatedly asked ¨ or else what?¨ laughing more and more each time i said it. Every time before saying it again i slammed the back of her head into the corner of the doorway to our room. I couldnt contain my laughter due to the thought of wondering if when she said ¨or else¨ this is what she was referring too.
Each time i slammed her head into the wall i saw the evergrowing splatter of blood stain the white walls surrounding the door way. Then without warning her body went limp and fell down beside the couch. I stood over her. Watching her body convulse as her eyes slowly dimmed with life. The back of her head was caved in like an ashtray and blood filled it like a bowl of soup. Still smiling i looked down at her. I felt invigorated. I sat on the ground motionless staring into space thinking did I? Would i? I couldnt have but i did.
© Christopher j. Jarman
Staring at the ground i couldnt move. My eyes were open to the point where i could even feel my pupils trembling. Yes my eyes were open but all i could see before me was a cross stitch of blue in the carpet as my mind exacerbated my thoughts into a blinding psychosis. As if a revolting, revolving banter banner scrolling around my mind that asked What have i done? What did I do? How do i feel? Is this real? How could i? Why would I? And What is it i do next.
I feel now as if my brain after the fact was conveying these questions as a slot machine. Scrolling through the who what, where, whys in trying to figure out which is of most importance. Which question do i answer first that is most vital to regaining some sort of clarity of mind. When as if the banner seized itself in entirety that I noticed the sound of the tv in the other room slowly bring itself back into my awareness.
I noticed the rubber foot stops on the chairs beside me within my peripheral. I could taste that last sip of beer i had had, as well the ridges that made up the fibers of my finger tips. I lifted my head slowly along with my eyes and caught glimpse of a blood stained foot that peeked out from behind the sofa. Then i smiled.
Looking back down at the ground i shook my head. I smiled from ear to ear then frowned in a cycle of my own madness. Tears stained my teeth as i questioned what i had done in my manic state of horror and tranquility. I didnt feel remorse, nor did i question my sanity. I more so tried to access how i felt in entirety about it.
In the moments before i killed her she boasted her own dominance of strength over me. She made claims that I was to be the one faced with a loss in a physical altercation with her. She asked what the fuck it was i was going to do? Certainly she couldnt believe the lies that spilled from her mouth, although the bitch always had lips painted with ignorance. I had stood there as i always have, head down and silent.
I looked on as she broke things of mine. Things that took hours, even days i took making. She smashed gifts that were given to me as a child, and broke the necklace around my neck that was left to me from my father before he past. In retrospect I never understood why i wore the necklace so close to my chest for my father was not anyone that somebody would admire. Especially not in my eyes. She knew this and ranted about how i was just as pathetic a loser as he was and that was all i´d ever be. Still i stood there head down and motionless.
After her tyrant she went into the bathroom and slammed the door. I remember hearing the water run in the bath tub. Still i stood there motionless, lost in my own cascade of emotions. I wasnt able to bring myself back to balance until i heard the creaking sound of the water being stopped. Knowing now i had at least 30 min before she would be finished I hopped on the bed and tried to drive the tension out with some music. She had broke my headphones so i put her ear buds in, closed my eyes and zoned out to some my jams.
I didnt hear her exit the bathroom. It wasnt until the earphones wer ripped from my head that she made her presence known. She asked about what i was doing and why i thought it was ok to use her ear buds. Even though i wanted to state the obvious, I gripped my fist and decided not to waste my breath. She then said something that caused me to react.
¨How would you like it if i used your desk?¨ she said. My desk was where i wrote, where i did my work, it was my place of solitude. When i wrote i felt serene. As if my desk was on the beach and i could write next to the ocean. It was where i escaped from the pains of reality and relished in the matrimony of my poetry. Her demeanor told me she was set to disturb my place of peace.
Immediately i left the bed and dashed for the door to our room, blocking off the exit. I said i was sorry, and i begged her to let us go to bed. She told me to move and laughed at my bold attempt to stop her from doing what ever she wanted. She tried to move past me but i stood my ground firmly in the door way. She even threatened me to move or else…..In my mind i laughed at the thought of or else what? Regardless of her claims of being able to over power me, I knew the truth. I may be pathetic at times and unconfrontational but anyone with eyes could see the enormous size difference between us.
Eventually she got passed me and as predicted she walked straight towards my desk. Her face a nasty scowl. ¨oh what your afraid ill tear up that story youll never publish?¨ she said. I warned her not to touch anything ….. I warned her …..I fucking warned her. But she didnt listen.
She lifted a few pieces of paper from off my desk and tried to tear them up. After she tore the first few pieces i grabbed her hand and told her to stop! She demanded i get my hands off of her. This time i didnt listen. I pulled her by the wrist away from my desk. She again threatened i let go of her or else ( and again i thought or else what) this time i visibly smiled at the thought. She then hit me again and again to the chest, which felt like next to nothing to me. Until she hit me in the face. Which im not gonna lie hurt, and i dropped to one knee. She then continued to hit me until she tried to pull away from my grip.
Thats when i tightened my grasp even more and i heard her whimper. ¨Let go of me you fucking loser! Your hurting me!¨
She tried to pull away again thats when i instinctively snapped her wrist back and let go. I heard a snap! And she fell to the ground. She sobbed in pain, I felt so much regret but when i went to comfort her she cried and pushed me away. Telling me to get the fuck back. ¨Im calling the cops you fucking psycho! You broke my wrist! Your going straight to jail you piece of shit!¨
I knew noone would take my side in the assault and surely she would play the innocent victim card. She began dialing 911 so i ripped the phone out of her hand and threw the telephone across the room. The look of fear finally glazed over her eyes……. Her expression appealed to me. When she began to scream for help i had to keep her quiet, so i quickly grabbed her throat. ¨ What the hell are you doing!? Someone will hear you, you stupid fucking bitch. You couldnt just leave my desk alone? You fucking did this to yourself. What was i suppose to do huh? Just sit back and let you shred the only thing i have left!?¨
In the mist of my talking i didnt realize how tightly my hand was around her throat. ¨let me go¨ she asked as i could tell the air in her lungs was becoming clearly less abundant. This is where i repeatedly asked ¨ or else what?¨ laughing more and more each time i said it. Every time before saying it again i slammed the back of her head into the corner of the doorway to our room. I couldnt contain my laughter due to the thought of wondering if when she said ¨or else¨ this is what she was referring too.
Each time i slammed her head into the wall i saw the evergrowing splatter of blood stain the white walls surrounding the door way. Then without warning her body went limp and fell down beside the couch. I stood over her. Watching her body convulse as her eyes slowly dimmed with life. The back of her head was caved in like an ashtray and blood filled it like a bowl of soup. Still smiling i looked down at her. I felt invigorated. I sat on the ground motionless staring into space thinking did I? Would i? I couldnt have but i did.
© Christopher j. Jarman
