if i were to just disregard and not care of the future,
it is tempting to call myself a lover
to declare, though in this hell of a ride,
though pulled back and forth in between these waves,
to declare that i have fallen for you
to admit that you are the favorite thing my thoughts would always fall back to.

i built you up in my mind, crushed you back down, picked you apart
it's one sided, really,
but to further pull "you" into this madness neither do i have the heart nor the gut.

i loved to think that i just liked this feeling, and not the person at the receiving end of it
that be it whomever, to me it wouldn't really matter,
but turns out it does, and i was very wrong
and none other would gain my comfort and trust
at least not for some time for as long as your heart is closed, so too would be mine

if you were to just disregard and, i don't know, not care of the future
would there be, could there be, any room for me?
but i know you wouldn't, knowing you is knowing that you wouldn't
even entertain the thought of trading the future for this moment.

i'm not in love with you (though i very much could choose to be)
and i'll look back at this entry and shake my head over how silly i sound
but damn, is it hard to find another
is it killing me on the inside to learn that
i don't have the power nor the say to give anyone else a chance
to give myself mercy that i know i deserve
almost as if my heart isn't in my hands anymore

© lostboyzephyr