not sure that any of these really -qualify- as poetry but that's where I'm putting them-


sometimes I wish I could black out after my little space.. completely forget what happened-
not because it's bad..
but because sometimes I just don't want to remember..
maybe if I don't remember, I won't want it as bad..
or I won't feel like it so much..
sometimes, yes- it isn't so great.. but I would rather remember the bad than the good.
that sounds ridiculous, I know.
but if I remember the bad times, and not the good, I won't want to do it anymore.
and then I won't stress him out anymore or ruin our relationship.
I finally won't ruin something good- if I could just remember how bad it feels sometimes.
feel small, have a good time, black out completely.
I wish I could just do that instead.
feel small, have a bad time, remember it only.
if only I could.. it would be so much easier- especially for him.
I'm sorry...
I know I'm ruining things by doing this- using this crutch to feel better- letting my patterns take over as excuses for help...
I hate that you understand.. I hate that you don't tell me no and just stop me completely.. I hate that you support me like this..
I hate that you make it such a good, safe time. just make it bad for me? make me hate it just as much as I do afterwards for doing it- make it so I never want to use that crutch again.. make it so I stop ruining our relationship... please
I don't want to keep messing up with you..