I downloaded an
Addiction app to
Start addressing my
Binge drinking
Last night.

The app itself
Seems great.
The community
Is so positive,
And it gives options
So it's not just expecting
Sudden sobriety.

Even so,
It terrified me.

I had to close the app.

I know it's a step I
NEED
To take,
But I'm still not
READY
To take it.

Tomorrow is the
First day of Term 2.
I'm not ready to
Abandon my Alcoholic Hat
in favour of my Teacher one.

But I must.
And I will.

I've made it a point
To NEVER put my students
At risk
In any way.
Part of that is never
Being under the influence
Of alcohol during a school day.

Ever.

And I'll stick to that.
I wouldn't be able to
Live with myself if I didn't-
Lord knows these kids
Have dealt with enough
In their own lives already.

I'm scared though.
No,
Scratch that.
I'm terrified.
Of the 17 days
We've had for our term holiday,
I spent 2 entirely sober.

And they were my 2
Most difficult nights.
Interrupted sleep.
Fever dreams.
General feelings of unrest
The next morning....
I dread what my
Forced sobriety is
Going to do
To my body,
Mind,
And soul.

I'm counting the days
Until my parents are back.
They've pre-warned me
Of the upcoming intervention
About my drinking.
I've been on edge since.

They only noticed when
I threw up at 2pm
On a Saturday -
After being home for 2 hours -
Because I'd
'Already drunk so much.'

They won't listen if I
Explain that -
Actually -
I haven't thrown up from
Drinking.
I had fast food
From a chain I don't usually
Order from
And overstuffed myself
Because I was drunk.

Sure,
I had trouble cleaning up
Projectile vomit
Because I was drunk,
But I didn't vomit
BECAUSE of the drinking.

I went out for a friend's birthday
The other night.
And over the course of
5 hours
Drank 9 boozy cocktails.
I felt nothing.
I've fucked up my
Alcohol tolerance.

None of these helps my case.
None of this is worth
Listing when the
Intervention comes.

And I know that.

I'm just trying to hide
From the utter
Disappointment and disgust
Towards myself
Behind insignificant
Facts...

Anyway,
I downloaded that addiction app
Last night.
I've tracked the number of
Standard drinks I've
Consumed for the past
Two days.

I limited myself to
3.6 standard drinks today.
Because school starts tomorrow,
And I have to pretend
I'm not falling apart.
© O.M.A

It's week 2. Today was a public holiday for ANZAC day. I gave in and drank despite it being a Thursday. Tomorrow (Friday) is a school day again. God I hope I'm sober by the time my alarm goes off.

#addiction #alcoholism #poem #poetrycommunity #mentalhealth #depression #reflection #SelfReflection #writco #writcoapp