straight from the confusion of earth realm comes something so meaningless, so pointless, and so useless it could only be called life...I don't like living but it is not my choice to breathe and anything otherwise to halt that would be me murdering myself and I don't want to go to jail for suicide I have attempted several times 37 welbutrin, 78 adovan, various drug and alcohol combinations, slit writs, cut slices, to face and body, bag over head suffocation, prayer, power of suggestion and positive thinking, hot rails of fentanyl, and survived like I survived an 8.5 cm diameter tumor squishing my brain against my skull to the point where I was losing cognitive function, motor skills and very odd experiences like seeing people and things move in slow motion, solid materials bending and the sky opening up with color then I survived a 15 hour surgery to remove it and recovered in 2 different hospitals for the next 4-6 weeks and emerging without suicidal tendencies and a newfound appreciation for life but I could not withstand boredom or temptation and reverted back to using crystal meth again burying myself in conspiracy theories I believed as factual and familliar old depression and a new level of anxiety turned paranoid psychosis set in as I slowly and incrementally
watched myself struggle with my mental illness and became increasingly more and more tired of existing and retreated into sleep like my life force had been significantly drained from difficult years turned decades.
I currently so desire a quiet peace in solitary voluntary confinement within provincial funded housing that I am content to allow the sand in my hourglass run out without bother and completely antisocial as I watch the world make less sense than ever before and I give thanks that I am over the hill coasting faster to the finish line, life is nothing close to what I had expected it to be and as it draws to a conclusion I feel more alone than ever before...but it's ok, I'm ok, just ok though a lust for life is but a memory of ignorant youth. © All Rights Reserved