................& its driving me insane ...I fucking miss you, your smile, your laugh, the way you'd get a kick outta the way I would throw slugs..your touch, your kisses. The feeling youd give me when your hands were all over me. I pray & I will continue to pray that you find your way back to me. I fell for you & I haven't gotten up yet. I dont want too. I dont wanna believe our love story is over. I dont wanna believe your mean & hateful & didn't mean a word you said to me. I know you did. I know. you. did.

♡♡♡♡Your not a man that lies about anything, no matter how tough the subject. I need to know what happened?. What caused this beautiful love story to turn into a nightmare in a matter of hours.....♡♡♡♡

I think about the first night you came over. That sexy smile you would give me. Such a gentleman you was, not ever trying to touch me or even lean in for a kiss.... You gave me such butterflies babe. Omg, you'd touch me in the slightest & sparks would fly. I kept thinking to myself, if this keeps up were gonna start a fire when we make love. That same night I had to take you to meet my son. I felt in my heart this connection was it. I had found the man I was going to spend my life with. my son confirmed it, when he gave you the blessing. The emotions I felt come over me are unexplainable. I was content & felt such peace in my heart I had not felt in so many years.
.My soul was relaxed.

♡♡♡....mom instantaneously fell in love with you..I believe she loved you before you ever walked through the door. She got up to clean the day you first came. Mom does not do that. I kept looking for the sky to fall. In all my life have I ever seen that woman take to another human the way she did with you. .. She would always ask me around 10ish, "is mijo coming home tonight?" The nights you'd go home, I could see her disappoint. You.. YOU!!.. were the missing puzzle piece to complete my family.. you fit so perfect, so snug. Not only was it complete, you brought a level of Joy to my loved ones I never seen in them. & that includes my fur-babies.

..perhaps this is was a problem I didn't see....I didnt see it because I was so focused in how elated I felt, that maybe you felt pressure by me expressing that to you. I dont know !!!. .. without talking to you about this, all I can do is speculate. And let me tell ya, my mind has no problem going to places it should never wonder into. ..for the most part I blame myself for this. Even though I dont know exactly what it is I did. I beat myself up about it because your gone..You just turned your back on me without a second thought. I hurt so much, I cry because of your absents & there isn't a moment I dont think of you. ...

•°•°•...I have gone over every single detail of our time together, went through the phone with a fine tooth comb to see if there was anything that could have triggered the events that unfolded that Tursday evening. Was I too honest & naive? I gave you honesty, not because you asked that of me. I gave it to you because I wanted too. I gave all of myself to you. Whole-heartly. I never thought to delete or hide anything from you. I look at it this way, if I was doubtful about anything I had allowed you to see, my behavior would have been off. Of course, you wouldn't know this yet, because you didnt know me that well to see how "all in" I truly was.

♡♡& I was all in, all yours, all the way, no holding back, YOU WERE THE MAN I HAD BEEN PRAYNG FOR!!♡♡

.... I behaved like a school girl, floating on air, I was laughing & farting rainbows. Every moment spent with you only made me want more & more & more...with every conversation I fell just a little more. Taking care of you & tending to your needs gave me a since of purpose. Happy to do for you without being asked, without hesitation. Everything about us felt so right. I was a woman falling in love with this beautiful smart, witty, confident, hard working man. You not only met my expectations of the type of man you were you exceeded them on a daily!!.....you wouldn't believe how many times you blew my fucking mine. I couldn't believe how blessed I was to have you as my man. After all the bullchit I have endured in my life. All the heartache, the pain, all the tears, the disappointment, the rejections. All of it was worth it when i looked into your eyes. When you smiled at me. When you'd pull me in & kiss me.

.......I would daydream of a future spent with you, before we ever got involved. That sounds crazy, I know. It was simply undeniable the overwhelming attraction we had for one another. Your magnetic force was more then I could bare. All I wanted to do was run up to you & let your arms wrap around me as you began to kiss me so soft as you gently pulled me closer, closer to you. Melting into you as if we were the only two people in existence. That's before we ever even spoke ...


.....it was about time for your first break & I was excited to hear from you, and after missing your calls the day before. I wasnt gonna allow that to ever happen again. (I never wanted to give you a reason to doubt where my loyalty was) I was with you & only you. There was not any other place I wanted to be. Wild horses couldnt get me away from you ......I grabbed my charger as i walked out the back door. I went around & plugged it into the house along with my phone. It was around 5:30ish I would say... I ran in to use the little girls room & gather my cigs & what not....after escaping moms endless bantering I made it back outside... I went to check my phone which was positioned right between my room window & the middle room window...I was facing towards the
house (north).......I saw "Babe" had sent me a message, which i couldnt open fast enough. ..

Couldnt open fast enough huh??....


••••as I felt every drop of blood leave my body to meet my feet, everything from that point on was in slow motion, a blurry nightmare. I had been kicked in the gut....HARD...it hurt......I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't catch my breath as the tears were a never ending water faucet....my heart shattered & fell to my feet to meet the blood that won the race 5 seconds earlier.........& the rest of my world came right behind it, bring in its confu grip my happiness, my smile. I was completely crushed......I didn't realize until the next day I had left everything outside. I couldn'couldn't think straight, I couldn'couldn't talk (not that anyone would wanna talk to me, getting their head bitten off for whatever was said. It didnt matter) I was angry at the world & I wore it.

••••NO !!! NOT AGAIN!!!!

It's a very very bad dream.
Why is this happening?
Why is he doing this?
We were happy!!!
Nothing was wrong here !!!.
He changed his mind??
He never liked me
He never wanted me.
Why would he??
What made me think a man like that would want to be with a girl like me?
Im such a fool!!!
I dont understand!!!!
Jesus please make this aching in my chest stop!! PLEASE JESUS..
I dont want to lose him.
I dont want to do this..
I cant do this.
Please make it stop !!!
I dont wanna cry anymore....
He is my forever.
Hes mine ...
NOOOOOOO!!!!


☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Twenty One Days & it hasn't stopped or faded one bit. I still cry & I miss you so so much....I just wish to talk with you. But, you wont give a second of your time. What did i do that was so awful? I wanna see you, hear your voice say my name, feel your lips on mine, our body magnetized together. Feel the safety of your arms around me.. the man I fell for wasn't the man on the other end of those messages. He was so cold & short with me. It was completely outta character for you....I keep hearing "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!" Playing like a broken record in my head. Piercing my heart...... every which way I turn a memory sneaks up on me. I stop in my tracks often when the pain is to much to ignore.......Everything about us plays like a movie in my mind. No matter what I do to distract myself, it FAILS!!! ...EPICLY!!!!....I lock myself in my room when I can no longer hold back my tears. Because my sadness replaced all the happiness I had with you. .... I cover up the loneliness with a fake smile & a murmured "I'm fine"..haven't had a decent meal since youve left. I dont care to see or text or talk to anybody. I wanted (want) answers. I've reached out several times, only to get silence as a response. I've tried just about every approach.
Except anger.
Because you see, I'm not angry. Yeah!! I'm hurt, but I want to know your ok. I wanna know what is going on. I wanna know why you felt walking away was the answer. Even more importantly, what was the reason. Why didnt you have faith in me, in US to talk this out, work it out, figure some chit out. comprimise, something!!....

¤¤¤¤¤¤.......feeling defeated, & unheard, unacknowledged, ignored, forgotten, dismissed, disrespected, replaced, used, unappreciated, unwanted, unloved, not worthy, abandoned, misunderstood, deflated, shunned, ...You didnt even want your clothes ((2 pants, 7 long sleeve shirts, 4 short sleeve & wife beaters, 3 pair of socks & an old pair of boots))...I gave you something I had never given another man..HONESTY ...why ask for something your not prepared to handle with maturity. Why ask something of me when you had no intentions of returning it.

♤♡◇♧ Yes, I am speculating, but that's all I can do at this point. No communication!!...here's some others that eat at me....because I over thing it A...he had another woman.
He meet someone better.
He went back to his ex-girlfriend. (he didnt speak to her so ugly the way he did me)
He realized the connection was too much to handle.
He caught serious feelings which were overwhelming, so he ran.
Realized he wasn't enough for me, I deserve better.
I was too boring & plain.
I didnt do enough.
I did too much.
I smothered him.
My kidd or mom were too much to handle.
He hated my dogs, hated even more they slept on top of him.
I wasnt attentive to his needs, like he is use to. Insecure.
Didnt actually hear a word I spoke to him in conversation about how I behave when someone grabs my attention, how hard it is to get my attention to begin with, never heard me say to him, I never want this to end, or I see forever IN YOU.

•°•°•° ...MY HEART HURTS BABE. !!!...WHY? WHY? WHY?? Did you have to go away?...

.......I've been hurt more time in my life then I care to mention, but this time by you, everyday it feels worse & all I can do is cry...that's the only outlet i have. I've tried to reason w myself, calm myself, get angry at you but i just can't. Your behavior doesnt match your actions, all the time we spend together talking for hours & hours simply doesnt make sense. The conversation we had just over talking problems out, gave me a sense of comfort knowing you wouldn't do exactly what you did to me
..to us

..we both said it. We were meant to be.
The way God put us in one another path is no mistake. I feel you & I are soulmates. You can't deny our incredible connection. Everything about us worked. I was with you. I was all yours. You didnt have to worry about me straying. I dont give a rat's ass who was trying. You are all I wanted. Still want. You just dont understand!!!!!... why couldn't you see there is no body for me but you. ...you just left me standing her crying out to you. You didnt care. I believed in you. I had so much faith in you. How could I ever trust again...in general ..when the one person I knew I JUST KNEW would never do me so wrong.. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL....YOU did me so wrong ...•°•°and ya know what?...Alll I want.....all I want more then oxygen, is to see you, hold you, talk to you. ..I want to know your ok, you've been eating. Your good ya know. I wouldn't even care to discuss what happened ...I'd lay on your chest in silence & just listen to your heart. .. ..



I dont want to cry anymore.
I dont want to miss you anymore.
I'm not gonna sayin I need you, i can't live without you..I can !!....but I do not want too.
I dont want this.
I hate this.
I hate everything about this.
I just want to scream because theres nothing I can do to change this, not one fucking thing.
It's tearing me apart inside.
You wont talk to me. ...theres nothing that says it would change anything if we did speak but anything's gonna be better then this.....

I'd love to hear your voice say my name or hear your growling as your hands explore my body. To kiss your lips once more.

I'd ask you to look deep into my eyes, you'd find the answers there.
You'd see the truth.
You'd see where my heart is & who It belongs too......


You.... JMR

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡