I deleted the other ending to this because, I had thought that I wrote it in my notes before transfering it to this app. because i didn't title it, but some how, the first sentence became the title, and I couldn't edit it once I posted it. So, it wasn't in my notes, and im writing it again. Hey, maybe this way, it'll have an alternate ending. Not likely.



So there i was, sitting squarely, and cross legged on the very center of the couch so my feet were out of harms way. The reason for this was because I saw spiders, gnats, and other creepy crawlers everywhere. I had turned on every light I could, because the spiders and whatever the shadow loving bugs were, they weren't too crazy about being in the light.

This was just one of the many times when I phoned home to get back there during those times when I had become a real danger to myself. My mother lived under an hour away. I didn't move around anywhere in my apartment that entire wait, and just sat on that couch batting fruit flies away from my face as they kept dive bombing me and buzzing relentlessly by my ears

Mom came right into my place without knocking. She didn't have to ever knock, but that was just the way she was. She was kind, considerate, and so helpful to most everyone. But unlike alot of us, if someone does bad things to her, she would forgive, but she would let it be known that she doesn't like that behavior, and ask nicely to not bring people like them around.

She came right up to me and hugged me so tightly I couldn't breath. I had to nudge her a little, sqirming to fight for air, started pushing her away, cause I did I did it again, I hurt my mom. She was so worried, she hit me with all the questions she could, in which should give her enough of the answers to her need in alleviating her fears, not so much the pain i caused her.

A minute later, she asked me where my coat and shoes were, and I pointed towards my bedroom, telling her it was to the right around the corner. She bent down in front of me when she returned with my socks, shoes and coat. As she was putting my shoes on my feet, i started to bat away the fruit flies again. I asked her why she didn't seem to mind the flying bugs, and she said, "what bugs?" They were every where! As I'm swatting at the gnats, I'm trying to convince her that im not crazy and kept asking her, if she's serious about not seeing the flying little annoyances. She couldn't see them! I couldn't believe it! They were in big numbers bugging me continuously, until we left.

My dad and mom or one of them would always come to my rescue every time my stupid butt tried to end my life. It seemed to be that it was always because of a woman, that robbed me of my senses, or my heart or whatever you wanna lable it. Since this trip upstairs, I would say that I had never attempted it again, and Ieave it alone from here, but that would be a lie. The trailer i lived in just after moving from that apartment, was the true last time. It didnt take for God to cause this into being completely, it took my daughter to be the catalyst, or at least, the final piece of the incentive for me not ever attempting suicide again, it was maybe the fear of losing my freedom, so the cops played a small part in it also. I dont recall what reason it was, so I'm pulling out the 'woman card' again, so I can get moving right along with this story.

One of the biggest trees, if not the biggest tree in the area for many miles was on the property where the trailer i moved into grew up at. And I mean grew, it must be 6 feet wide at the base. I couldnt begin to guess how tall it was. It still remains there to this day.. The lowest tree limb was 15 to 20 feet off the ground.

I tried so many times throwing a rope up and over the limb with a chunk of wood tied to the rope, but stopped after i got tired, and then i tried it using a fishing. I tied the fishing line to the piece of wood and tried for awhile, but stopped when my arms almost gave out. That limb was just too high, and the wood was probably too lightweight for me to be able to throw it that high up and over the limb, so i stopped again.

I decided to drive my car under it and climb on top. That worked, so i tied the fishing line to the rope and pulled the line, dragging the rope with it over the limb.

I was about to place the neuce over my head, while standing on top of my car, when the trailer door opened. It was my daughter coming outside. She just stood there shaking her head watching me from the front porch. This kinda unnerved me , so I pulled the rope from off the top of my head, since it wasn't around my neck yet, and then turned looking at my daughter looking at me and she said to me, "Dad, I'm just gonna call the cops if you don't stop".

Right then, I threw the rope to the ground.

It wasn't too long of a stay over at my moms, before it was time to go home, but during my short stay there, something strange was happening at the very instant I woke up and opened my eyes. It was so fast, I couldn't see it long enough to ascertain what it was. This happened almost the entire time and was exactly the same thing every time except for the very last time I saw these things. It was like a picture or vision of a few sharp pointy somethings flashing ever so short of a moment, but noticeable, seen just over the top of my eyes. It briefly flashed every time but I could only see sharp spikes or something over and over and just kept happening every time I'd open me eyes when I woke up from a nap or awkened after sleeping at night.

Just prior to the the day I went back home, these visions really became bothersome because they stayed the same and I just had to know what they were, but just couldn't put a finger on it. I kinda think I have the answer, but thats a bit later in the story when I attempt to debug the unexplained.

As i think hard about when i saw the last spiked vision, I think it was before going home, but I'm not completely sure, but I do know this, I asked God if I could get some help in deciphering what I was seeing when I opened my eyes when l woke up. This, I asked of God, just before going to sleep that night. God answered me. The thing I was seeing were thorns. The spiky things were now thick at the base and resembled a rose thorn. It seemed clear to me that I had been given a crown of thorns. But yet, still, the complete answer to this alludes me.

Back at home, after saying goodbye, I went into my bedroom's bathroom. I opened up the lid on the toilet and saw inside, right there in front of me and floating on the top of the water, was a thick layer of dead fruit flies. I flushed.

I have no dillusions of grandeur or any idea of being even slightly worthy of wearing any crown, especially one worn by Jesus, so this puzzles me to no end in not knowing what the complete answer to this is and I just can't hate this or stand this. Not sure. It is what it is.

¹¹⁰8th
I was school churched and welcomed there, where their selling point was to be like Jesus, and come as you are. It wasn't until i got layed off from my job and couldnt afford the weekly payoff they expected when i began doubting their sincerity. Along with that, i was told when i became born again and come there as you are, but was told what not to wear anymore, since I became a regular, I decided not to let them see me as I am anymore, and I quit. Besides, when I had to explain to my deacon what the preacher was trying to convey to the audience, and one time he tried to teach me the fundamentals in speaking in tongues, which I know to be b.s., oh, it's time to leave the nest. The thing is, if any one talked in tongues, and there were alot of them chanting every Sunday like some kind of blind leading the blind cult, there's supposed to be an enterpreter in the room, but their never was. I was seeing a different side of people, and didn't like it. Nowadays, I don't care if you want to act and look foolish. Maybe deep down inside the yearning to be,, and along with self loathing and disappointments for not being that clown is coming out.

Now the situation with getting kicked out from upstairs h ot me closer to what that was about. I grabbed up my 1887 king james Bible, sat down with it x I closed my eyes and asked God if I could get help in finding the answer to this gold crown thing. I start flipping the pages and stopped. Pointed down with one finger and read what my finger touched. It said that person of heirarchy in the church( which ain't me), will be given three crowns of gold and was to place all three at the foot of the three thrones in the throat room. That was enough reading. I just wish I could find that again in that Bible. I didn't even look at where I read it at, and shut that twenty plus inch thick Bible. I compared that old book to my present day two inch thick bible one time, I dont recall what it was about. But found the same spot with both and it was so completely beyond different it might as well be comparing red apples to oversized tomatoes. On the cover its red, been taught that tomatoes are fruit, and don't judge a book by the cover. Just learned a lesson just now, yes I did. And moving right along now. I hate when that happens. Backfires, only you can prevent burn.

I just figured that, when i heard that voice when I was being pulled backwards, just before pulling my head off my bed, taking a deep breath, it wasnt my time yet because I should have known where the crowns were to be put, and I failed the test. Gotta go now, its been a real trip. Later.