Left like he never existed.

As expected, he left again; like he did fourteen years ago... Just as she was conceived, amidst pain, disbelief and grief, he let that certain woman down.
Her father, or rather, the sperm donor, who paved for her a path of existence, into a world of depreciation. Yeah! that was her own mother, he left her to carry the burden of an unaccepted pregnancy coupled with rejection from family and friends.
Her mother had struggled then, brought her up alone, clothed, fed and schooled her with that little, peanut worth money, that she earned as a sweeper at the college. Then, he came back, after Gbemi’s three years of being fatherless and her mother out of fear of a certain rejection, accepted his apology, that was the start of a life full of pain and rejection. He came back just to leave again, but, it was as expected, like he never existed.
“Gbemi, I told you about the meeting I had with Aunty Lola and your dad was present, she wants us to get back together but I want to seek yours and your sisters' opinions first.”

Mother had sat us down to deliver this news after a hectic day at school. I was sent out again for not paying my fees and not honoring the date my mother had put down in her undertaking which had her signature and that of the principal boldly scribbled on it.
The bursar had requested for the presence of my mom,
“Call your mother with the school's phone, she should have a dialogue with the principal so she can sign another undertaking. At least, you should go back to class.”
I should go back to class? it was already 3:15 pm and school closes by 4:00 pm, yet, he wants me to go back to class. Besides, I didn't want to bother my poor mom. The woman had a long day at work and she recently took a loan to pay off our house rent that was due for over a year.

My mind was in chaos as it came back to what my mother had just told me, she wanted my opinion. With everything on ground, we could barely afford to eat twice a day, even my sisters' school fees were yet to be paid. Finally, after minutes of thoughts, I said what I thought was best.
“Mommy, let him come back.”
“Are you sure about that?” my mom had asked with her eyes devoid of any smile, I saw pity and reluctance deeply rooted in those eyes, yet they were as calm as a sea after a storm. Yet, I knew or so I thought, that it was the best thing to do then.
“Why?" she had asked, her gaze still on me, never shifting for even a second.
“Nothing, I just miss him.” I had replied, I had tried my best to make it sound sincere.
Finally, after a moment of silence, she asked if I and my sisters wanted to talk to him because he had requested it.
I laughed, it sounded funny. My youngest sister was just a few months old when he ousted us from his apartment, she wasn't old enough to recognize the person who was her father or supposed to be her father.
“Hello sir, good afternoon sir. we are happy that you're coming back sir. we are sorry for our mistakes sir please forgive us.”
My immediate sister recited what our mom instructed us to say to him over the phone. Without stopping for breath, she had recited it.
His reply?
“Thank you. I have forgiven you.”
Soon it was my turn to talk to him, I laughed. I didn't see any sense in what I was supposed to say. What are we apologizing for? the pains he inflicted on us? for abusing us? for subjecting us to emotional abuse? I couldn't make out any sense of it. Yet, he said he forgave us, for what? A frown from my mom made me recite what burned like a fire on my tongue. I didn't wait for his response before giving the phone back to my mom.

The next day, he came around, he ate my mom's food with relish. I guess his wife never satisfied his cravings well, guess? I know she was never a good cook anyways. Her stew was watery and she never removed the Chicken's crown and peak before cooking it, nauseating!
Anyways, we had flocked around him like my mom had requested, I and my sisters. I made sure to tell stories of how we enjoyed our lives while he wasn't present. I didn't lie, we did enjoy our lives. There was peace, I guess.









I WISH I HAD ABORTED YOU WHILE YOU WERE IN MY BELLY.

Peace? was there peace?
I remember those times, back when the shackles of being unwanted held me firmly. When due to unstable emotions I had made many mistakes, when mom had gotten angry and agitated severally and she had cursed the day she birthed me. She had regretted not aborting my Zygote then. She had said;
“I wish I had aborted you while you were in my belly. You're bringing me so much pain, your father probably knew this and that explains why he refuses to acknowledge you.”
She had said these words, words that hurt down to my bone marrow, words that made me question my existence.
Peace? I remember when our land lady had threatened to oust us from our apartment. She had every reason to, we were owing two years of unpaid rent.
I remember when I was about to write my BECE (Basic Education Certificate Examination.) I had to pay over two hundred thousand naira as tuition fees, we couldn't even afford Twenty thousand naira then.
I remember when eating two square meals was a hassle, when we had no food roster, we only survived on Eba.
When I couldn't even focus in my studies, due to daily pestering by the school management. I had yet to pay the tuition fees of two sessions. My results at the end of each terms weren't promising either.
My siblings’ tuition fees too were left unpaid, there was obviously no peace anywhere.

On one early morning, after months of supposed happy moments with ‘Dad', we were on our way to school, I and my siblings. We had long forgotten how it felt like to take public transport, mom was always the one to drive us to school. When father came back, he stylishly collected mom's car back from her and since then, he's has always been the one driving us to school. On that morning, we were on our way to school and Dad had given me the car's spare key to give my mom. My school uniform had a hole in the pockets, I don't know how, but, I had misplaced it.
“Mummy, daddy told me to give you the car's spare key today but I misplaced it. I put it in my pocket.”
I had told my mom immediately I got back from school, she called my dad and informed him.
The next morning, we waited for Daddy to pick us up and drive us to school as usual and, throughout the ride, he was complaining and laying curses on me for misplacing the key. I personally did not see me misplacing a key a big deal because accidents can occur any time.
I was quiet and he was infuriated to see that I wasn't really affected even though, I had a solemn look and I was really sorry that I kept on apologizing.
Suddenly, halfway to school, he stopped the car, parked it by the road side and gave me the beating of my life, Slaps were more dominant in his beatings and my cheeks were sore, I cried till he dropped me off at school.
After school, I trekked to my grandma's place. That was my usual routine after school.
I spent hours there and in the evening, he came to pick me up. Unbeknownst to him, my Grandma's neighbor was trailing behind me and she saw that immediately I got into the car, he got down and gave me another hell of a beating. She called my mom.
When we got home, mom was waiting at the gate of the house and immediately I got down from the car, she went to my dad and asked;
“Is it because of a spare car key that you have turned my daughter to a punching bag? I received two calls from different people. You should have disciplined her at home instead of showing the public the amount of hatred you have for her.
She apologizing was not enough that you keep on slapping her at your will?
I'm not telling you not to correct her or discipline her, there are other ways than slapping.”
He immediately retorted,
“Why can't I slap her? As from today, she won't enter my car again and she shouldn't greet me again."
My mom immediately grabbed my hand and took me inside.
That was it, he left again. This time around, he took responsibility for my sisters’ only.
Responsibility?
He was only responsible for paying their school fees and giving them upkeep on monthly bases.
Mom came home from work one day and gave a heart wrenching news; our landlady had increased the house rent by a hundred thousand. I was in my third year in junior school and I had just written my Basic Education Certificate Examination. I was yet to collect my certificate and result because mom couldn't come up with that amount of money on time.
She took yet another loan adding up to hundreds of thousands, everything looked jumbled.









PRESENT TIMES...
Many years have passed, I'm now in my first year in college and a lot has happened.
Mom is still the sweetest and most amazing mom in the world and my sisters are now big. It's been so amazing watching them grow from babies into troublesome bunnies. With everything that has happened, my father is still not a topic of discussion in my life. When my mates talk about their dads, I'm always silent not because I have nothing to say but because the bad memories outweigh the good ones.
My mates then used to tell me;
“Gbemi, on your wedding day, he's going to be there to fulfill his responsibility as your father because after all, he's still your father. So, you don't have a choice but to accept him.”
I used to laugh and say;
“Never! if he's going to attend, he'll attend as a guest and see someone else replace him. That is his first punishment and the beginning of his regrets.”
Even now, this notion still stands in my mind, though many people have and are still advising me against it but I don't think I can forgive him that easily for the pains he caused us, for all the pains he caused me and for all the pains he caused my mom.

Mom tells me every time;
“Gbemisola, don't make the same mistake I made. I try my best to do everything and give you all you need so you won't be forced to be dependent on a man in this early stage of your life. in fact, you should never consider depending on anyone.
You know everything we've gone through, everything I have gone through and everything we are going through. The best gift you can give to me is success and excellence in all you do. I want our enemies, especially your father's family to see you become a great person and regret all the decisions they made.
I want your father to come beg for forgiveness from you and regret everything he has ever done to us.
look at me, as old as I am, I'm still living in a rented apartment because I chose my daughter over an irresponsible man, all my mates have used their salaries to do something worth an achievement while I use mine to pay debts and offset loans.
Gbemisola, I want you to make me smile again, make me laugh again, and live up to your name.”


A lot is going on and things are still not at their best state yet, and there is hope for a better future. Even as I write with my candle burning in a night of heat, my determination surges through my veins; *To make mom smile and to make father regret. *
THAT IS THE GOAL!


#singleparenthood
#regret
#determination

© Diamondwrites..