I kept a private journal aside the regular one we are required to fill at the end of each session, one of the major challenges I had is the inability to sleep sedatives and all, I wanted to tell all of these things to wale, but he took it upon himself to make the conversation short. Even his gentler voice made no appeal to me. I kept mute sending a message to him and those in the monitor room that I am done talking, to have thought that I was going to tell him of my pain and betrayal, about how I got to the hospital I wanted him to tell him the ugly truth behind this face, but after what he had done, after the sharp way he reminded me of the only family I have left, my father, the man who dumped me in this hell hole and turned his back on me, but I just kept shut, I hid my emotions well that as he asked why “why do you write upside down and sometimes from right to left instead of vice versa”, I just watched him “talk to me please” he pleaded, I kept mute, I just watched, he got up obviously frustrated form the chair and gathered his numerous papers and as he moved to the door, I got up and went to sat on the bed, they will soon come for their chairs and table, at the door, he gave me the last look and left, I closed my eyes, the words, came back to me, they dance around in my vision words melted to form more words, I forcefully opened my eyes, I had to find a way to make the word spin stop. The camera beeped, indicating breakfast, I never got to leave my room, I was never allowed to associate with the others, not like I want to mingle anyway, I lay there as the nurse pushed the trolley of food into the room, I could feel her smile, so I smiled back even without seeing her, I know Nora always wear a sunny smile, a bit of me I have kept under lock and key for years now I sat up and nodded in greeting, she moved to my locker and retrieved my journal, she had duty to bringing it to me and returning it to the locker, I guess this advanced means of communication meant to be used by only me, but I felt no use for it on that occasion, I shook my head rejecting the offer to visit my journal and urge to write at all. Then baaammmmm! She blew my heart by saying” the management thought it was wise for you to go out today, that after your meal” she smiled at me pitifully, I frowned and said ‘no’ she nodded her acknowledgement then said ‘ enjoy your meal’ she watched as I ate waiting for when time will come for her to politely force those terrible colorfully made pills down my throat, after the whole affair she repeat her request again and again I declined, she pushed out the food trolley after she has taken her cue from the camera, I don’t know when the turn the damn thing on or off, or if they turn it on or off while we shower or while I have sections with those doctors. I love days when we ate those little emoji smiley cookies and apples red or green, and strawberry jam toast and a cup of tea or coffee. But why would they pick to allow me do as I like, they didn’t even come for their chairs and table, trust me even the chairs and the table were mopping at me so I twisted them and over tuned them so they will not look at me ‘stop looking at me’ I yelled, I fought them until I lose all the anger in me ‘I know you are watching’ I said to the camera ‘you think I am mad? I am not just mad, I am insane’. That instant wale came into the room, if he noticed the atmosphere in the room, he didn’t say or show it, ‘is your anger about my access to your journal ‘ I just looked at him as I tried to gather my wit, I noticed he was trying to avoid the original word ‘MAD’ instead of the anger, I started to laugh, I felt good that wale regardless of his level of communication still thought me mad and to think that I wanted to tell him all what was truth just a few moments ago. I saw the surprise look on his face, ‘you read my journal, then you know, don’t you’ I flung the words at him carelessly, ‘ no I only saw your name, and the over used music and mad aside these, you hid your story well I must say’ I saw muscles working on his face, I knew he was upset, the only thing I am sure about is why he is upset, ‘ oh I said, I thought the section was over for the week’.


to be continued...
© RUBEE