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The escape (part 1)
#WritcoStoryChallenge
The car sped through the dark night, it's headlights flashing, warning the incoming traffic. The sky has been pouring cats and dogs since the evening and doesn't seem to take a rest, not allowing one for the windshield wiper as well. It seems as though the sky is reflecting my own mental state- grey like my gloom filled life trying to endure it to the point where it can no longer bear the weight and overflowing with emotions like this never ending rain. The only thing lacking is a thunder to represent my heart slamming against my chest threatening to break out, still unable to believe that I might finally escape from my worries today.
In my entire 23 years of existence, I have never had the courage to stand up for myself-whether it was when my so called 'friends' used to tease me for being overweight in school or when people used to treat me as though I was invisible in a group when I was sharing my opinions. But that could not even hold a candle to the nightmare I was running away from right now, patting myself in the back for overcoming my fears and taking the best decision of my life to get a driving licence when I was 21-because that smoothened this escape process.
I can only push back the thoughts of past as I apply a little more pressure on the accelerator wanting to be as far away from this place as I can. But I am not running away. I, for once, stood up for myself and even though it might have hurt the only ones I care about-my family, I don't regret it. I can still feel the raw emotions I felt when I confronted the biggest fear of my life, I can still feel the adrenaline rushing through me and I think that is the only thing not allowing me to take the next U-turn and return to the safety of my bed. But I can't go back. Not after I fought for this. Not after I dragged my bags, took the little money I had from my scholarship amounts of each month and took this car-for which I am thankful my dad let me take it.
The radio is playing some song about love-can't be bothered which one because everyone is singing about love these days-either young, passionate or broken. Funny how I can always imagine myself being the one singing and let myself ride on a wave of emotions, sometimes even end up crying, but never really know what being in love is. Don't get me wrong, I have very loving parents and an even more loving elder brother who always made sure I'm loved. But I am talking about the kind of love we find along the journey of our life - something everyone claims to come unexpected and stay for a lifetime.
I don't think I am programmed to love that way though. I was never pretty enough to attract the male species and was never brave enough to talk to the ones I found attractive. After I found my escape in short workouts and I began losing weight and my skin began looking healthier, I liked the me who stared back from the mirror for the first time in my life. Ofcourse that increased the number of guys who suddenly started helping out, but that thought would always make my stomach churn in disgust. Because though I look different, I am still the same broken girl with the same insecurities. I am still that person with the horrible past who's hiding my pain behind my brilliant smile. The same smile which fools everyone into thinking that I am the happiest soul alive. The same smile which my friends claim to be silly and child-like. If only they knew this was a mask. If only someone would care to see through my facade.
As I turn on the indicators and turn the steering wheel to the left away from the busy lane I've been travelling all this time, I feel a strange sense of peace I have never felt in my whole life. My heart calms down and my body starts to relax. My hands holding the steering wheel relaxes the pressure which I only realised I was exerting when I saw the knuckles go from white to being normal. As if on cue, the rain slows down- now only coming down in a peaceful drizzle which just requires me to wipe the screen occasionally. I wanna get out and play in this rain to celebrate my newfound freedom, but I decided against it seeing the vacant roads and the dark nights. I don't wanna get into some trouble because men are beasts these days-I personally know one back home.
I willed myself to drive for ten more minutes before my vision started becoming blurry from the memories of the day resurfacing. The car slowly came to a halt at the roadside as I sat with my forhead pressed against the steering wheel, letting my tears fall. Though I never liked crying in front of others, I never saw crying as a sign of weakness. If crying could let me vent out a little and let me move on, I had no problem in opening the dams. After what felt like hours, the tears finally seemed to have dried out. The only sound in the car being the John Legend song softly flowing from the radio and my occasional sniffles.
I still rested my forhead against the steering wheel, allowing myself to think about all the events that led up to this moment. How I had been all dolled up for my cousin's wedding-even though that was the last place I wanted to be. But showing any resistance out would lead to so many questions which I'd rather not answer. I looked around and found everyone busy with the decorations. I was sitting between my cousins who were busy chatting away and I would give an occasional "ah" or "mhmm" to pretend to be listening. I never felt that close to my cousins. I don't know if that is because of us just meeting for family functions like this or is it because of the large age gaps between us. Somehow I never felt quite connected with them. Once again my eyes started to wander around and I saw my dad talking on his phone busy making sure nothing goes wrong in the wedding which is about to take place in an hour. My mother was talking with my aunts about something that I couldn't bother to think about. Sometimes I wish I was as smooth as her in making small talks. She can befriend any stranger in 5 minutes and can talk like they've known each other for 5 years. But I got the quiet gene from my dad. Both of us don't talk much, much less form a bond with some strangers. I chuckled to myself at the perfectly opposite pair that my parents are. The result of an arranged marriage- I still can't believe they were not in love when they got married when I constantly witness their support for each other in everything. I guess this is called a match made in heaven, something I can only dream to have. I turned to saw my eldest cousin's sons being the naughty little trouble makers and entertaining a few of the older uncles. The corners of my mouth twisted to form a faint smile which was immediately frozen in place when my eyes met with the dark ones of the reason behind my nightmares.
I did not quickly avert my gaze. I pretended as though I never saw him and very naturally turned my head away. I am really getting better at this pretending game, I thought with a shake of my head. I almost let out a sigh of relief before I felt a hand on my shoulder-one which made me feel like thousand worms were crawling on my skin. It made me wanna scrub my skin till I can't feel that dirty hand on me. I can feel my body stiffening as I turned around to meet his gaze. Determined to never show any weakness to the enemy, I arched an eyebrow half-challenging and half-urging him to speak.
"You look like a girl today", he said, trying to act like a brother teasing his younger sister. But only I could see the disgusting duality of that man. The same man for whom we had all gathered there today. The same man who was going to recite his vows to an unsuspecting, innocent girl who was unlucky enough to be matched by the families to this monster of a man whom I have to call brother.
The car sped through the dark night, it's headlights flashing, warning the incoming traffic. The sky has been pouring cats and dogs since the evening and doesn't seem to take a rest, not allowing one for the windshield wiper as well. It seems as though the sky is reflecting my own mental state- grey like my gloom filled life trying to endure it to the point where it can no longer bear the weight and overflowing with emotions like this never ending rain. The only thing lacking is a thunder to represent my heart slamming against my chest threatening to break out, still unable to believe that I might finally escape from my worries today.
In my entire 23 years of existence, I have never had the courage to stand up for myself-whether it was when my so called 'friends' used to tease me for being overweight in school or when people used to treat me as though I was invisible in a group when I was sharing my opinions. But that could not even hold a candle to the nightmare I was running away from right now, patting myself in the back for overcoming my fears and taking the best decision of my life to get a driving licence when I was 21-because that smoothened this escape process.
I can only push back the thoughts of past as I apply a little more pressure on the accelerator wanting to be as far away from this place as I can. But I am not running away. I, for once, stood up for myself and even though it might have hurt the only ones I care about-my family, I don't regret it. I can still feel the raw emotions I felt when I confronted the biggest fear of my life, I can still feel the adrenaline rushing through me and I think that is the only thing not allowing me to take the next U-turn and return to the safety of my bed. But I can't go back. Not after I fought for this. Not after I dragged my bags, took the little money I had from my scholarship amounts of each month and took this car-for which I am thankful my dad let me take it.
The radio is playing some song about love-can't be bothered which one because everyone is singing about love these days-either young, passionate or broken. Funny how I can always imagine myself being the one singing and let myself ride on a wave of emotions, sometimes even end up crying, but never really know what being in love is. Don't get me wrong, I have very loving parents and an even more loving elder brother who always made sure I'm loved. But I am talking about the kind of love we find along the journey of our life - something everyone claims to come unexpected and stay for a lifetime.
I don't think I am programmed to love that way though. I was never pretty enough to attract the male species and was never brave enough to talk to the ones I found attractive. After I found my escape in short workouts and I began losing weight and my skin began looking healthier, I liked the me who stared back from the mirror for the first time in my life. Ofcourse that increased the number of guys who suddenly started helping out, but that thought would always make my stomach churn in disgust. Because though I look different, I am still the same broken girl with the same insecurities. I am still that person with the horrible past who's hiding my pain behind my brilliant smile. The same smile which fools everyone into thinking that I am the happiest soul alive. The same smile which my friends claim to be silly and child-like. If only they knew this was a mask. If only someone would care to see through my facade.
As I turn on the indicators and turn the steering wheel to the left away from the busy lane I've been travelling all this time, I feel a strange sense of peace I have never felt in my whole life. My heart calms down and my body starts to relax. My hands holding the steering wheel relaxes the pressure which I only realised I was exerting when I saw the knuckles go from white to being normal. As if on cue, the rain slows down- now only coming down in a peaceful drizzle which just requires me to wipe the screen occasionally. I wanna get out and play in this rain to celebrate my newfound freedom, but I decided against it seeing the vacant roads and the dark nights. I don't wanna get into some trouble because men are beasts these days-I personally know one back home.
I willed myself to drive for ten more minutes before my vision started becoming blurry from the memories of the day resurfacing. The car slowly came to a halt at the roadside as I sat with my forhead pressed against the steering wheel, letting my tears fall. Though I never liked crying in front of others, I never saw crying as a sign of weakness. If crying could let me vent out a little and let me move on, I had no problem in opening the dams. After what felt like hours, the tears finally seemed to have dried out. The only sound in the car being the John Legend song softly flowing from the radio and my occasional sniffles.
I still rested my forhead against the steering wheel, allowing myself to think about all the events that led up to this moment. How I had been all dolled up for my cousin's wedding-even though that was the last place I wanted to be. But showing any resistance out would lead to so many questions which I'd rather not answer. I looked around and found everyone busy with the decorations. I was sitting between my cousins who were busy chatting away and I would give an occasional "ah" or "mhmm" to pretend to be listening. I never felt that close to my cousins. I don't know if that is because of us just meeting for family functions like this or is it because of the large age gaps between us. Somehow I never felt quite connected with them. Once again my eyes started to wander around and I saw my dad talking on his phone busy making sure nothing goes wrong in the wedding which is about to take place in an hour. My mother was talking with my aunts about something that I couldn't bother to think about. Sometimes I wish I was as smooth as her in making small talks. She can befriend any stranger in 5 minutes and can talk like they've known each other for 5 years. But I got the quiet gene from my dad. Both of us don't talk much, much less form a bond with some strangers. I chuckled to myself at the perfectly opposite pair that my parents are. The result of an arranged marriage- I still can't believe they were not in love when they got married when I constantly witness their support for each other in everything. I guess this is called a match made in heaven, something I can only dream to have. I turned to saw my eldest cousin's sons being the naughty little trouble makers and entertaining a few of the older uncles. The corners of my mouth twisted to form a faint smile which was immediately frozen in place when my eyes met with the dark ones of the reason behind my nightmares.
I did not quickly avert my gaze. I pretended as though I never saw him and very naturally turned my head away. I am really getting better at this pretending game, I thought with a shake of my head. I almost let out a sigh of relief before I felt a hand on my shoulder-one which made me feel like thousand worms were crawling on my skin. It made me wanna scrub my skin till I can't feel that dirty hand on me. I can feel my body stiffening as I turned around to meet his gaze. Determined to never show any weakness to the enemy, I arched an eyebrow half-challenging and half-urging him to speak.
"You look like a girl today", he said, trying to act like a brother teasing his younger sister. But only I could see the disgusting duality of that man. The same man for whom we had all gathered there today. The same man who was going to recite his vows to an unsuspecting, innocent girl who was unlucky enough to be matched by the families to this monster of a man whom I have to call brother.
