I scrubbed at the crease of my eye’s removing my mascara with the dry skin on the front of my palms. I was beginning to get tired but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I couldn’t lose focus because if I did I would lose her .i would lose the angel that sat in the middle of the playground stacking her multicolored balls with her tiny hands. Hands I’ve felt wipe my tear’s away when I needed the gesture most.Hands that have brought me to my knees with the smallest flick of a finger. The hands that could cup the blazing cells of the sun and not be burned.The same Hands that Grasped my denim skirt as her small bones flexed on her knuckles. Gripping on to the fabric with frustration and anger. Her thoughts too scrambled to speak, as I walked out into the rain, into the world of loss and grief. Smooth and Soft but not a shield to pain.



Mia pulled her ivory dress down a bit as she crouched down, moving around carefully with her own two feet .she placed the balls back in the box only to dump them back out. Her chocolate brown eye’s gleaming with excitement every time she placed a ball back in the sea bucket.
I knew the risks of being here but my feet wouldn’t take me anywhere else.It felt like every time I tried to move on and forget I was rooted back to the same place. The source of my regret. Mia.


Watching mia play was all I wanted to do . Hiding behind my daughter like always as if it would clean my conscious of the horrible things she’s witnessed by being in my care. Her own mother. The only parent she’s had. Who hadn’t failed her until it was too late until the deed was done and there was no turning back, The angels weren’t forgiving the sin’s I’ve committed anytime soon. I, puffed out a breath. My eye’s moistened when I looked at my graceful little girl. Her black and brown curls bounced on her shoulders, obscuring her face. Her nose small and narrow, and her lips tugged into a small pout. I watched her . wondering what it would be like to ease my way over to her on my shaky leg’s and sit next to her. Just to be in the same space as she was and inhale her scent. let it roam wild inside of me. Relieve me of my anguish. Ease my bone’s into submission.

Would she offer to play with her, and hand me a ball or would she grab them all up in her fragile arms and run to her parents not knowing the one she’s left behind. I slouched back on my rusted red bench, it was weird that that’s what it was now . “my bench” I’ve been coming here for the past year . watching and waiting for the right moment if there ever was one. My butt tinged and I reached in my pocket pulling out my blackbery.
I traced out the pattern on my phone “yes” I exhaled
Jesse’s voice rang out through my phone “ where the hell are you ?”
By now I knew it was a statement rather than a question, jess had to already know where I was. How I was wallowing in my loss and grief. “ I just needed to see her again “I mumbled out as my eye’s watched mia forget about her toys and waddle to the slides. her pink boots imprinted in my brain . I sat up holding my jacket closer more for support than warmth. my warmth was running around on the playground, without a worry in the world.
Jess exhaled, her voice laced with concern “I thought we talked about this … you can’t keep doing this every weekend lisa “
“ doing what ?” I said quietly as i played dumb
“You know what “ she deadpanned
“I know ..It’s just I needed to see her one last time “ the words rushed out in jumbles as my arm’s shook , I placed my hand on top to try to get it under control “I can’t live without her .. I need to be here with her just in case ...she needs me “ my heart raced as I rubbed my palms up and down my jeans. my lips quivering with guilt and pain
Jess blew out a breath, her voice hesistant “ Lisa “ she paused “ it’s going to be okay, just come over and we’ll figure it out “
My eye’s shuttered closed as a lone tear slipped out. I knew she was being cautious because she didn’t want me to do anything “I might regret”
“I just don’t want you to do anything you might regret, “ jess said over the line as I whispered the same words to myself, I, licked the chap off my lip’s
My hands gripped my jacket tighter “ I can’t leave her “
“ you don’t need to be there right now, not like this honey please just come over, I and turner will be here for you ,”
I nodded in agreement “ I should but”, Jesse kept her words short but
subtle.
Turner and Lisa.Both my guardian partners as much as they were my therapists. I didn’t want to be anywhere else but right here with mia. “ I’ll come over later” I whispered
“Lisa, you need to be with us ‘’ she said it as firm as a strong fist
“I …”
Jess interrupted me “ hush, honey im calling turner if anyone can talk some sense into you it’s him “
The call ended and I continued to watch mia. any other day I would pack my things and be off to Jesse’s but today , today I just needed my mia . It was when Mia ran back over to the sandbox that I let my eyes wander over to her adoptive parents. they helped each other spread the patterned sheet across the shallow grass. The woman with the auburn hair piled on top of her head with a crescent clip holding the shaggy strands in place. smiling and laughing with her husband. His face full of delight every time she glanced at mia. Their family.

My phone rang again, already knowing who it was I picked it up. an argument slowly transcribing in my head. “I kno-”
“You got to be kidding me “ turner screamed in my ear .his voice rough and erratic. “ Lisa, what the hell, do you think you’re doing, huh? no. wait. matter of fact do not even answer that. get the hell up and leave“ he said in one big pant

My tongue got stuck in my throat ‘i-”
“Lisa now “ he demanded
I looked around the park, she was throwing her balls in her bucket again . “i-”
“Lisa”
“ What am I supposed to do, “I said as I snatched my jacket tighter around me. Turner had to know my pain by now, He had seen it first hand. The night the nightmares and the scream’s gotthe best of me. my blood was dripping on the florescent tiles the bathroom. seen what lengths I would go to just to be gone. my guilt and shame erased with the existence of me. “I hurt every day because of this, “I said as my chest tightened
“We know Lisa, but let’s face the truth right now, the truth is she’s gone “

Hard and fast . my body shuddered as my head reeled. Scene’s flooding my broken memories the image’s on the new’s. the broken plates shattered on the floor. The rain pounding on the roof. The bodies found in the river. The pink boots grimed with soot and dirt. I felt as though my heart stopped .maybe, it did because I couldn’t see or breathe. Turner’s voice was raspy and far away as my eyes searched for mia on the playground, my feet moved before I had the chance to recover. They took me everywhere but to mia.

“No, no,no “ Every step I took got heavier with the truth. Every sight blinded by the loss of my most precious angel. I stumbled toward’s the slides parents and by-passers surrounding me whispering and shuffling their children from near me. I was an infection to the few kids that remained on the playground, an infection of crazy of the beginning of being a lunatic I couldn’t focus on them I had to find mia to prove myself wrong. That she wasn’t gone, she was just hiding a smile pulled at the crease of my lips ready to beam into effect when I see her, playing with the mulch or placing her ball’s in her little blue bucket. I dipped below the orange slides on my knee’s searching frantically for her small form but she never appeared.

I chewed my bottom lip, the truth creeping around the corner and then a thought flashed in my mind “mia’s foster parent’s “I whispered to myself. I raced over to where I last saw them well, stalked them last and there was no trace of any picnic, the grass tall and uncut not shallow as I witnessed it a few minutes ago , before the phone call had taken I needed , and what that phone call revealed ,the dust wisped away Into the light .my knee was first they struggled not to collapse but the weight of everything brought them down as if someone with steeled toed boots were forcing me to the ground to repent for what I've done . what I've lost . second was the pain the affliction of the pain inside of me ,the breath of air restricting inside of me waiting to be let go of ,released from the trap that have fallen on top of me . third was the scream's the one's that began In my head only to bounce of the trees above me ,the birds flapping their wings and fleeing from the disturbance of natural order .desperation and torture seeping from my eye's . I screamed for the past ,for Mia and for my wrong doings of her .how I could of protected, cherished her and kept her close to me .my body shook and trembled with the force of my grief and neglect the air rushing out of me.


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