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My depression #2 „I hate myself“
Hate is a really big word and I haven't experienced it much in my life, guess I should be lucky about that. But there is something that I've hated for a very long time, someone I ended up hating for many reasons... there is honestly only one thing I hate in this world and that is "me".
I never really knew why I did, I just thought so damn bad about myself that I never learned to love the person that I am. I don't remember when it started, it just was that way and felt like it had always been so. I hated my voice, my body, my mind, my thoughts, my worries, just my everything... there was no single thing that I actually liked about myself. I wonder how I made it this far with this much loath raging inside me. And if I'm honest, I know that I was too weak and afraid to change anything, so I just... existed.
I've had my fun of course, my life hasn't just been wrapped in darkness like it may sound. I've lived and I've seen and experience so many great things. I've been happy for real and I've even had my goals I wanted to reach.. goals I did reach and damn did that feel awesome. But that doesn't change the fact that I've hated myself through all that time, through every happy moment, through every proud moment even... It just was the way it is and I was okay with that somehow, because maybe that‘s what life is.. right?
It just felt so normal to be the way I was, for myself at least, because no one got to see me this way other than myself. Until I fell hard...Until I couldn't fake anything anymore.. until my pain was so damn clear visible on my face for everyone to see. No one really knew what had happened and the confusion and shock, it was... well it was devastating.
I had reached the point where my self-hatred took over my life, it wasn't normal at all... it was just.. out of strength to keep it all inside I guess. I fell so damn hard into depression that I didn't believe that it was worth living for anymore. It hurt so bad that I started to hit the walls, just to feel a different kind of pain and of course it made everything worse... Because my hatred only grow bigger and deeper after that. I can't find a sherd of love to give myself... I don't know how....
© BellaWritingHere
I never really knew why I did, I just thought so damn bad about myself that I never learned to love the person that I am. I don't remember when it started, it just was that way and felt like it had always been so. I hated my voice, my body, my mind, my thoughts, my worries, just my everything... there was no single thing that I actually liked about myself. I wonder how I made it this far with this much loath raging inside me. And if I'm honest, I know that I was too weak and afraid to change anything, so I just... existed.
I've had my fun of course, my life hasn't just been wrapped in darkness like it may sound. I've lived and I've seen and experience so many great things. I've been happy for real and I've even had my goals I wanted to reach.. goals I did reach and damn did that feel awesome. But that doesn't change the fact that I've hated myself through all that time, through every happy moment, through every proud moment even... It just was the way it is and I was okay with that somehow, because maybe that‘s what life is.. right?
It just felt so normal to be the way I was, for myself at least, because no one got to see me this way other than myself. Until I fell hard...Until I couldn't fake anything anymore.. until my pain was so damn clear visible on my face for everyone to see. No one really knew what had happened and the confusion and shock, it was... well it was devastating.
I had reached the point where my self-hatred took over my life, it wasn't normal at all... it was just.. out of strength to keep it all inside I guess. I fell so damn hard into depression that I didn't believe that it was worth living for anymore. It hurt so bad that I started to hit the walls, just to feel a different kind of pain and of course it made everything worse... Because my hatred only grow bigger and deeper after that. I can't find a sherd of love to give myself... I don't know how....
© BellaWritingHere
