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My Annoying Wife
You see this life, I cannot beat my wife. I have tried and tried but I cannot just beat her.
I swear it is not like she is not annoying me o. It is not like she doesn’t do things that provoke me.
But I cannot just beat her.
That woman has the word “Annoying” in her nature.
I am sure the nurse that held her was annoyed while holding her. My wife even told me that the day her mother conceived her, it was annoyance that caused the labour to start.
When her father arrived the hospital, the same annoyance broke in. The man started ranting and sparking at the nurses in the hospital. All the nurses became annoyed. They grumbled to the delivery room. Even the doctor himself conducting delivery became annoyed at a point. Why won’t my wife contact the annoyance eh?
So now you can see the circumstances behind the annoying nature of my wife.
Okay just last week, my wife labour started. Let me tell you what happened.
Thank God I was around and at home. If not it would have been a different issue all together.
She had poured water on the cloths I planned wearing to work. She said I shouldn’t leave her at home alone and go to work.
My wife said I was uncaring and not a gentle man like other men out there.
Nollywood movies has really spoilt my wife. I have to kiss her stomach before I go to work. I have to kiss stomach before I eat dinner. I kiss stomach in the morning when I get up from bed. I kiss stomach before I stand up to go any where. No body kisses stomach more than me in Nigeria.
In fact, sometimes I purposely refuse to kiss stomach and will pretend to forget, thinking my wife will let me go. But that is when she will call me back.
“Praises bia. Come and kiss our first child before you go anywhere.”
It doesn’t matter where I am, who I am, what I do, as far as the mouth is not stained with oil. I must kiss stomach. Failure to do that, I will have to face one night of annoying shouts and complain.
My friends who were around thought it was show of affection. I wish they knew the reason behind the stomach kissing.
Back to my story, this woman was in her bedroom while I was in the parlour. We had a fight that day and she went to the bedroom very angry.
Minutes later, all I kept hearing was
“Bastard come here. Fool. Useless annoying man. Praisessss! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrr!
It was her scream and my name that made me realise she was calling me. So my name changed from sweety to fool. That was when I knew that history was about repeating itself.
I carried her admits the shouts, insults and cruel words she kept dishing out to me. This woman could not even pretend when the neighbours came to help out. Everyone knew we were fighting.
We got to the hospital and some nurses rushed to help out. They took us to one of the chairs and made her sit down.
“Please take her to the labour room immediately.” I requested calmly.
“Sorry sir. We have two labour rooms here, and just two doctors on duty. They are both in use at the moment. The both doctors are busy too. Let madam hold on a little. Once the first patient is out, madam will be the next.”
Gentle man like me. I turned back like a zombie to go and give my wife feed back. As I bent down to whisper, the next thing I heard in my ears was a penetrating hot slap.
“Tawaaaaaaaiiiii.”
“Praises can’t you be a man and fight. Fight for your wife. You are coming here to tell me stories.”
I was trying to process the slap when another man rushed in with his wife. The wife sat beside my wife with her big stomach also.
“Oga sorry the ward has full. Let your wife hold on first. We have limited doctors to handle her delivery. When the next patient comes out of the labour room, your wife will go in.”
Mba o! The man refused. He threatened to close down the hospital immediately. He threatened to sack the doctors. He even threatened to sack the nurse who had come to tell him such news. He started making phone calls up and down. Calling inspector general of police. Calling SARS officials.
What provoked me was the SARS officials. They thought it was an armed robbery situation that was going on in the hospital.
I realised that this man was well connected when I heard him say
“My Minister of Health sir.
“Yes sir.
“Bukandu Hospital sir.
“Yes sir.
“Close it down sir.
“Yes sir.”
One of the nurses ran to the man and started begging the man. Even patients waiting at the reception had to start begging the man.
My wife turned and looked at me. She pouted her lips like a dame gun, hissed at me, and turned in the other direction.
“Praises See your mates. See how they are doing. Romantic husbands. Just see how they are fighting for their wives. Look at them. Just look at correct husbands.” She pointed.
I was provoked. Very provoked. I wanted to please my wife. I wanted to show her that I am a correct husband too.
So I brought out my phone also.
“Mr President sir.” I shouted to draw attention.
My wife who was sitting on the chair opened her mouth and legs in surprise. Hospital became silent as a grave yard. So I continued boldly.
“Yes sir.
“This is Praises Obiora sir.
“Yes sir.
“I am at Bukandu hospital sir.
“Yes sir.
“They are wasting my time sir.
“Yes sir.
“Close it down sir.
“Yes sir
“I say just close it down sir.”
I haven’t even finished talking when my wife shouted from her angle.
“Idiot man. I am in labour here and you are telling them to close hospital down. If them close the hospital, how am I going to give birth to my child? Tell me how?”
“After you will talk say you have sense. Mumu husband.” She shouted angrily.
This was how this woman disgraced me in the public hospital.
The worst of it all was when she was going into the ward. You cannot believe she told the nurses to stop wheeling the stretcher. She called me to kiss her stomach once more.
“Oya come and kiss it before I give birth.” She beckoned.
Like a zombie, I started walking towards my wife stomach.
“Chai! charm no good o.” Muttered a patient.
“My brother women the Jazz man. Now this man don’t know what he is doing so o.” Muttered another.
“See a man that was angry moments back. See how he suddenly became calm like ice water.” A woman whispered to the other.
What I heard them say about me, refused me to kiss stomach properly. I just gave it a random peck.
When we got home with our daughter after a safe delivery, I wanted to warn my wife. I wanted to cut her better warning for disgracing me in the hospital.
But who am I to touch her?
When a woman is not a nonentity, and contributes valuably to the running of the family, a man gives her her due respect.
My wife and I have our differences and small fight o. She has her madness and I have my madness too.
The good thing is that we understand when one of us have started madding.
No wonder we are just too perfect for each other.
This is just one of my bitter annoying experiences.
I will tell you the sweet side of this woman someday.
The End
My name is Praises, and I am the best at what I do.
I swear it is not like she is not annoying me o. It is not like she doesn’t do things that provoke me.
But I cannot just beat her.
That woman has the word “Annoying” in her nature.
I am sure the nurse that held her was annoyed while holding her. My wife even told me that the day her mother conceived her, it was annoyance that caused the labour to start.
When her father arrived the hospital, the same annoyance broke in. The man started ranting and sparking at the nurses in the hospital. All the nurses became annoyed. They grumbled to the delivery room. Even the doctor himself conducting delivery became annoyed at a point. Why won’t my wife contact the annoyance eh?
So now you can see the circumstances behind the annoying nature of my wife.
Okay just last week, my wife labour started. Let me tell you what happened.
Thank God I was around and at home. If not it would have been a different issue all together.
She had poured water on the cloths I planned wearing to work. She said I shouldn’t leave her at home alone and go to work.
My wife said I was uncaring and not a gentle man like other men out there.
Nollywood movies has really spoilt my wife. I have to kiss her stomach before I go to work. I have to kiss stomach before I eat dinner. I kiss stomach in the morning when I get up from bed. I kiss stomach before I stand up to go any where. No body kisses stomach more than me in Nigeria.
In fact, sometimes I purposely refuse to kiss stomach and will pretend to forget, thinking my wife will let me go. But that is when she will call me back.
“Praises bia. Come and kiss our first child before you go anywhere.”
It doesn’t matter where I am, who I am, what I do, as far as the mouth is not stained with oil. I must kiss stomach. Failure to do that, I will have to face one night of annoying shouts and complain.
My friends who were around thought it was show of affection. I wish they knew the reason behind the stomach kissing.
Back to my story, this woman was in her bedroom while I was in the parlour. We had a fight that day and she went to the bedroom very angry.
Minutes later, all I kept hearing was
“Bastard come here. Fool. Useless annoying man. Praisessss! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrr!
It was her scream and my name that made me realise she was calling me. So my name changed from sweety to fool. That was when I knew that history was about repeating itself.
I carried her admits the shouts, insults and cruel words she kept dishing out to me. This woman could not even pretend when the neighbours came to help out. Everyone knew we were fighting.
We got to the hospital and some nurses rushed to help out. They took us to one of the chairs and made her sit down.
“Please take her to the labour room immediately.” I requested calmly.
“Sorry sir. We have two labour rooms here, and just two doctors on duty. They are both in use at the moment. The both doctors are busy too. Let madam hold on a little. Once the first patient is out, madam will be the next.”
Gentle man like me. I turned back like a zombie to go and give my wife feed back. As I bent down to whisper, the next thing I heard in my ears was a penetrating hot slap.
“Tawaaaaaaaiiiii.”
“Praises can’t you be a man and fight. Fight for your wife. You are coming here to tell me stories.”
I was trying to process the slap when another man rushed in with his wife. The wife sat beside my wife with her big stomach also.
“Oga sorry the ward has full. Let your wife hold on first. We have limited doctors to handle her delivery. When the next patient comes out of the labour room, your wife will go in.”
Mba o! The man refused. He threatened to close down the hospital immediately. He threatened to sack the doctors. He even threatened to sack the nurse who had come to tell him such news. He started making phone calls up and down. Calling inspector general of police. Calling SARS officials.
What provoked me was the SARS officials. They thought it was an armed robbery situation that was going on in the hospital.
I realised that this man was well connected when I heard him say
“My Minister of Health sir.
“Yes sir.
“Bukandu Hospital sir.
“Yes sir.
“Close it down sir.
“Yes sir.”
One of the nurses ran to the man and started begging the man. Even patients waiting at the reception had to start begging the man.
My wife turned and looked at me. She pouted her lips like a dame gun, hissed at me, and turned in the other direction.
“Praises See your mates. See how they are doing. Romantic husbands. Just see how they are fighting for their wives. Look at them. Just look at correct husbands.” She pointed.
I was provoked. Very provoked. I wanted to please my wife. I wanted to show her that I am a correct husband too.
So I brought out my phone also.
“Mr President sir.” I shouted to draw attention.
My wife who was sitting on the chair opened her mouth and legs in surprise. Hospital became silent as a grave yard. So I continued boldly.
“Yes sir.
“This is Praises Obiora sir.
“Yes sir.
“I am at Bukandu hospital sir.
“Yes sir.
“They are wasting my time sir.
“Yes sir.
“Close it down sir.
“Yes sir
“I say just close it down sir.”
I haven’t even finished talking when my wife shouted from her angle.
“Idiot man. I am in labour here and you are telling them to close hospital down. If them close the hospital, how am I going to give birth to my child? Tell me how?”
“After you will talk say you have sense. Mumu husband.” She shouted angrily.
This was how this woman disgraced me in the public hospital.
The worst of it all was when she was going into the ward. You cannot believe she told the nurses to stop wheeling the stretcher. She called me to kiss her stomach once more.
“Oya come and kiss it before I give birth.” She beckoned.
Like a zombie, I started walking towards my wife stomach.
“Chai! charm no good o.” Muttered a patient.
“My brother women the Jazz man. Now this man don’t know what he is doing so o.” Muttered another.
“See a man that was angry moments back. See how he suddenly became calm like ice water.” A woman whispered to the other.
What I heard them say about me, refused me to kiss stomach properly. I just gave it a random peck.
When we got home with our daughter after a safe delivery, I wanted to warn my wife. I wanted to cut her better warning for disgracing me in the hospital.
But who am I to touch her?
When a woman is not a nonentity, and contributes valuably to the running of the family, a man gives her her due respect.
My wife and I have our differences and small fight o. She has her madness and I have my madness too.
The good thing is that we understand when one of us have started madding.
No wonder we are just too perfect for each other.
This is just one of my bitter annoying experiences.
I will tell you the sweet side of this woman someday.
The End
My name is Praises, and I am the best at what I do.
