I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore. Sometimes I can't remember anything. Well, I can remember us hanging out . . . I remember you laughing, I remember watching and rewatching the movie we can never get enough of. but I don't remember it. I don't remember what I felt, if I felt anything. There is no emotion connected to that memory. It feels less like it happened and more like I read about it somewhere Like the memory isn't mine. I'm sorry if I seem distant, I'm trying to figure everything out and it's not fucking easy because I don't know who my real friends are anymore because I can't fucking remember anything . . . .

I love you though. I know that. I know I love you. Ive written about it.

That's why I write. Because I don't remember my emotions. I write about what happened so I don't forget how I felt. Is that weird? Is it weird to forget your emotions? To not feel like your memories are your own?

I know I care about you, even if I can't figure out why. Because I want to see you smile and I want to take your pain away. You deserve better and I'm sorry I can't fix it all, and I know I don't help when Im struggling so much trying to figure myself out and sometimes that makes it harder on you and I'm sorry.

I'm really, really trying.