Years ago, I met a guy. He was young, confident, charismatic, optimistic, extroverted and a bringer of happiness. He was full of life and best of all, he was content with himself. I envy and admire him at the same time. He had qualities that were hard to find even then.

Later in life, he met a girl. With time, he fell for her. His cheery attitude and confidence were she told; attracted her. A heart filled with love is like a helium-filled balloon. Both know no bounds and for both skies are the only limit but what goes up has to fall to the ground someday and so he fell too. He got injured badly. He didn't feel the severity of his injuries until later and got up as if nothing happened.

One day he confessed. His confession brought him to the face of that 1 reality, he had never thought; "Rejection". Though, he faced it head-on and lived to tell the tale. His optimism got the best of him and enabled him to live through the pain. Even though he was rejected, he decided to remain her 3 am friend. Yes! this kind of a man he was.

Months passed and then a whole year, seeing her dating man after man took a toll on him. He couldn't help but wonder what made her like them? What made her choose them? Even though, they were not the right choices as none lasted long. It was the very first time in his life, he dared to look at himself through someone else's eyes; "Through her eyes". He stood before the mirror and stared at his own reflection. He had seen his reflection millions of times before but never before he noticed the deformities that he was witnessing right then. He found the reason he was so hell-bent on finding, his deformity; "His average looks". He looked at her previous boyfriends and then back at himself, they were the right choices. He understood that he didn't but when others looked at him, they noticed his deformity. She enjoyed his company and possibly liked him too but to be loved he needed a lot more because being anything but good-looking wasn't enough to be loved. Good looks and money because they all had a good blend of both. He could have chalked it all up to her being materialistic and pretentious but he looked around and found that to be the reality of almost every single person. He lost his content with himself. Even his optimistic side couldn't find the "Sunny side up" and that was the first nail in his coffin.

It is said that when you lose one thing you gain other. He lost his content but he found pride.

His pride didn't do anything to heal him but it made him hide his pain. He was too proud to let his wounds be seen to the world or the people close to him. This was the second nail in his coffin.

Pain brings even the strongest to their knees but it makes one more sympathetic and open to the pain of others. Ridden with pride and hidden behind a "couldn't care-less" attitude mixed with sympathy and openness to the pain of others, made him a perfect outlet for people to let out everything without the fear of being judged or being unheard. People dumped all their life's miseries and pain onto him. Surrounded by the pain and sorrow of others and as well as his own, he fell deeper into despair where others sighed in relief. He could no longer see the wonders of the life and world. Everywhere he looked, he could only find torment, pain, sorrow, and disappointments. Gradually, he lost his foresight and with it, his optimism. He could still tell people that everything would be fine and that the pain is temporary with a smiling and reassuring face but could no longer believe in it himself. His pain increased. Though his outlook remained the same; "Happy and cheerful". This was the third nail in his coffin.

Disappointment causes disconnection and disconnection needs a distraction. His disconnection led him to distraction and his distraction led to over-investment in work. he worked until he could and more. people cheered, bosses called him dedicated and interns made him their inspiration. He found this newfound sense of accomplishment to be his new sun in the dark sky. All the praise and admiration made him want more. His modesty turned false and the sense of accomplishment transitioned into his new "High" but there is only so much attention people can feed. What's special becomes obvious faster than you can write"Obvious" and then people just lose interest. Though, this doesn't mean they stop valuing it. They just stop discussing it; Just like rainbows, the first one of the season is special then later ones just fade into obvious.

He faded into the obvious too. He was cut off from the supply of this new "High" and just like any other addict, he needed a fix too but there is none. At least not for this one so he circled back to disappointment. A failed attempt to fill a void with false happiness was the fourth nail in his coffin.

Success is made of 90% hardwork and 10% of luck. It is said that luck betrays but hardwork always pays. His hardwork did too. An opportunity of a lifetime presented itself in his work-life when he was nominated for a triple promotion. His nomination was unexpected by not undeserved. Almost none had any objection. Everyone was sure of his promotion. Everyone kind of expecting it. everyone's expectations in turn raised his own. Even though there had been no formal announcement, people had already been congratulating him. It had been 2 months since the announcement and the day for the fortune to smile upon him had finally come. Three of his bosses stood in the middle of the bullpen and called the name of 3 candidates. After a brief speech upon fairness and fine points of the selection process, the name was let out and to the surprise of all but to shock of his, it wasn't him. it took some time for everyone to swallow the surprise but then the bullpen echoed with the thunder of the claps. He walked up to the person who was just promoted and shook hands. Bosses left and he went back to his desk. Colleagues and friends surrounded his desk. They told him how wrong of a decision they had made and how they all had thought that he would have been a perfect choice. Some empathized, some pointed out the unfairness of the selection process, some went as far as to call everything fixed. Everyone had their theories and concerns but they all had one thing in common, they all told him to not lose heart and give his all to cash on the next opportunity but only if it was that simple. He had already been giving everything he had. No personal life, no nothing. He had no other thing to give up; no other best. He worked hard to escape life but he did work hard. He did give his best. He listened to everyone. Noded, smiled and told everyone that it was fine with him that some else got the promotion. He lied through his teeth that he wasn't expecting anything from this opportunity so he was not disappointed but the reality was far from his words.

Hailed from a lower-middle-class family and deprived of proper degree-level education, he had dragged himself up to the point where he could finally see the fruit of his labors coming to him. Unlike his peers, he did not have lecture bunk stories or the fun stories of the shenanigans of his college day. All he had, the stories of his rise and fall, the hardship he put himself through to give himself a college-level education, the mistakes he made, things he taught himself and learned going through life and not from college books. and the burden of his and as well the expectation of every person who believed in him and his hardwork. Looking back, He did not have many happy moments in his life; his first crush aka love, his first car, his first salary cheque, and his last birthday when she kissed his cheek. These were all of them.

If you had asked his parents, siblings, and relatives, they would have told u how proud were they of him. How much they had admired him for overcoming all his adversities and raising his family from lower middle class to middle class all by himself but this was not the case for him.

He had been living in a world that was different from the one his family was living in. A world that has people competing, killing people over opportunities. A world that doesn't give a damn about your adversities. A world where advertise seldom becomes an advantage and more often remains adversities. A world fair to some and unfair to others. A world where his friends had the fortune to live lavish, go to college, just being a student, and earn 4 times of what he had gotten up to after 10 years of work. A world where someone of his age, Someone of less competence and experience, Someone with the same level of education had just become his boss and got a 3 times raise on the salary, just because of the name of a top-notch university on the degree.

A world that was crumbling before him. His sudden encounter to this world was the fifth nail in the coffin.

Past should remain in past, the buried should remain in the ground but the forgotten must not remain in the memories.

What if the buried, the past, the forgotten comes back knocking on your door?

The day was spent in hiding and pretending. Finally, the evening came. At last, he was at his refuge; at his home. He shrugged the day off him and put on a nice smile but upon entering, he found the home empty. He remembered that his family had gone away to attend a wedding reception in another city. He let out a sigh of relief. If they had been home, it would have been hard for him to keep up with his charade. He changed into his comfortable clothes and fell hard on his bed. He fell as if the soul left his body as if he gave into the burden he had been carrying. He would have spent hours like that if not, the doorbell had rung. He ignored it at first but the person on the door sounded adamant to meet him so the bell kept ringing. Annoyed, he pulled himself back on his feet and went down to open the door.

The opened door and a voice brought a smile to his face. Two beautiful arms opened wide and wrapped him in them. He hugged back. The moment felt frozen but then she caught his hand and dragged him after her.

She had a takeout order in her hand. She took out the food and laid it on the table. She knew he was alone. She knew he would be hungry. She knew him too well. His eyes couldn't stay away from her and his lips couldn't stop smiling. Her presence felt like the only good thing among everything that was going on. They finished eating and together they went to the roof. They looked at the stars. Stars had always looked more beautiful in her presence and the moon a little brighter. He took a glance at her and he could tell that there was something she was very excited about. Something she wanted him to ask. Something she wanted to tell. She looked at him and he at her. their eyes locked into each other and their lips into a smile. He asked god for 10 more minutes of this ultimate bliss in exchange for anything and he got it. He actually got more than what he asked for; 20 minutes. That had been the first time in ages that he prayed for something and he actually got it but everything comes for a price and so did those 20 minutes. She sat him down on the chair and he asked what she had secretly been dying to tell. She took out a box and opened it. She sat beside him and told in the voice filled with all the excitement in the world that she is getting married and the ring he was looking at; was the ring, she would be wearing on her engagement which was just 10 days away. He felt the floor beneath him shaking. If he had not been sitting on a chair, he would have fallen on his face. It took all his might for him to stop the impending waterworks and double of what he had used to force the expression of happiness on his face. This was what was expected of him. I mean he knew he could never be more than a friend. His reluctance to not let go of her and an undying blind hope was the sixth nail in his coffin.

We talk about success. We talk about all the rise and falls that came before it but when we talk about failure we talk about mistakes, we talk about falls but never, we talk about the rise before the next fall and the might it took for the man to endure both; "fall and rise", just to fall again. The constant torment one falls in, the test of endurance that (ironically) he endures, the damage to his psyche, and the entrapment he finds himself in constantly; often go unmentioned and unnoticed.

Every fall leaves its mark not only on men but even on the 1000 ton boulder. Though one fall may not cause much damage constant falls can split even the moon into pieces (obviously, if I could fall).

Anyways, the moon isn't that beautiful at all. At least not for me and after he saw her off on her wedding day, it didn't for him too. She was leaving and he couldn't even cry. How could he? what could he have told the people around? why was he crying? was he seeing off his sister or daughter? none of this would have been the right answer and the answer that he was seeing off the love of his life, would have been a disaster.

He came back home and tucked himself in bed. The next morning he woke up as nothing happened. He woke up a stone. He woke up happy. He went out in the world. He competed again. He fell again and he rose again but with every fall and rise, he died a bit inside. He started over several times (personally and professionally). Time and tide had started to leave marks on this stone. It took them some time but they finally managed to bring some cracks on this stone. They were not visible to anyone but only to him. Soon, he lost interest in everything. He gave up but he kept dragging himself on for the sake of his loved ones. Every year he told himself just one more year, just one more.

Years later, I met the guy again. He is before me. Tucked under a white sheet, he has fallen asleep for eternity. He is calm.

Last night, he fell on his bed for the last time to go into the slumber so deep that he could never be woken up by anyone or anything. He felt his body going numb and his burden lifting swiftly. He laid there motionless. He had never felt that lightness before so he closed his eyes and gave in. He remembered his parents, his siblings, his love, his friends. All the happy memories that one could count on fingers. His love for his mom, fights with his siblings, his bets with friends, her kiss, and that extra beautiful moon came flashing before him. What a beautiful way to end this dream called life.

Everyone is calling it suicide but no one knows that he was dead long ago. Nobody knows because nobody listened as he listened to everyone but they are not at fault here because he never spoke a word. He hid behind a charade and when it became too much for him to keep up, he ended it.

You ask, how do I know so much about him? well! I am that guy. The same guy who started years ago and who ended years later today. I am not him but his conscience. I don't know, why did I tell you this story? Don't know if it would mean anything to anyone. Don't know, what would you take out of this story? I mean some moral, some idea, a lesson of some kind. I don't know anything. I think, I had to tell the story before I fade into nothingness, before we become obsolete.

"Oh! look. There she is. No wonder the moon is a little brighter tonight.....



© summerof2000