we had made a plan, an outline of what we were
going to do and when we would do it, together
that plan was the worst notion either of us have ever had, more like a cataclism
I gave up on trying to find the answers let alone understand them
I was losing more of myself with each day that passed while I was searching for you
And to this very day none of it makes any fucking sence and I'm cursed
Questioning and dissecting every sliver of our life together, every comment, every sentence
A shred of a hint, a clue to tell me where and how this reality became alive...
I'm living and breathing my worst fears that you tucked into my bed at night after you kissed my cheek
I toy with all the possibilities, different scenarios in my head
but I dont know where to begin seperating fact from fiction because I don't even know anymore
And in the midst of months of being loyally alone waiting for some romantic best selling reunion i continued on with my dreams without you
The accomplished feeling wasn't anything as sweet as i'd expected to be, rather empty
Being no one else to share with the joyful satisfaction of making my mark like i planned
i fixed your truck foolishly finding this a symbol of holding it all down like a responsible partner would
and i imagined we would go to counceling at least and we'd work everything out like they say
And 50 years from now, older and gray, we would both laugh at remembering the time we got restraining orders on each other
i lost everything i tried so hard to keep sacrificing it all in the name of love
I changed my career so that i would be too busy to think of you but that only worked for so long
i bet you thought my family were the type that one could lean on, but ive learned theyre just as fucked up as everyone else
call me a liar but i even bought the white dress i swore id never wear for our special day
it hangs out in the closet still with the tag, alone and ignored just like i do
as i go along these dirty street dreams still waiting for you
© Quila Marie