1 views
End of the Beginning
I want to kill myself on a bridge.
Technically over a bridge. By my logic it’s quick and freeing. The air rushing up to meet me, the breath filling my lungs, the lightning quickness of the rocks splitting my head open.
Yes. I’m sorry but I want to kill myself.
Days are just a blur of someone I don’t recognize. It makes me tired. It makes me invisible. The idea of being seen has never really got to me until I hit twenty-three. That big number. Where you’ve already accomplished so much and set up pedestals to achieve more. Where you’ve got your shit together enough to get your actual shit together.
Everyone living and having something to show for their living and I have nothing except this excruciating weight of stone on my chest, crushing my heart the more years tick by.
By twenty three I wanted to be seen too. Seen doing my best. Seen patting myself on the back for my little wins. Seen living and going out and trying to gather a life for myself.
Two decades later and I’m a shadow on the wall. Moving but not really going anywhere. Existing to give someone else meaning to their life. Buried in the darkness of a fast moving world.
Mom and Dad has left me behind, not picking calls and cutting conversations down to marriage and kids.
Kids? Me that haven’t grown up yet?
It brings me no joy to come upon my decision to stand on the cold railing on a bridge, stare down at the swimming darkness before me and feel nothing but peace.
Peace I haven’t felt since I was fifteen and Billy put his hands into my shorts.
Yes. I want to kill myself. A coward’s escape but an escape nonetheless.
By my logic, nobody will feel my absence, they don’t see me so how can they miss me?
One less soul in a sea of billions more. I could sleep but that only makes me more tired when I wake up. I could gym but then I’ll be sore and tired and empty when all workouts have finished. I tried talking to someone but She just scribbled and scribbled and felt at peace with what she wanted to hear.
I could love someone but then what would happen to them when I’m too tired to care about their feelings and their hearts I’m mishandling.
It's best I leave right? Peaceful exit into that that deep dark unknown.
Sigh… this might be my last 3am entry. I stopped sleeping awhile back maybe now I can sleep for a very long time.
P.S It doesn’t matter your logic. Seek help, call family, open up. There’s peace in sharing the weight.
Much love, Lolita❤️
© 0506girly
Technically over a bridge. By my logic it’s quick and freeing. The air rushing up to meet me, the breath filling my lungs, the lightning quickness of the rocks splitting my head open.
Yes. I’m sorry but I want to kill myself.
Days are just a blur of someone I don’t recognize. It makes me tired. It makes me invisible. The idea of being seen has never really got to me until I hit twenty-three. That big number. Where you’ve already accomplished so much and set up pedestals to achieve more. Where you’ve got your shit together enough to get your actual shit together.
Everyone living and having something to show for their living and I have nothing except this excruciating weight of stone on my chest, crushing my heart the more years tick by.
By twenty three I wanted to be seen too. Seen doing my best. Seen patting myself on the back for my little wins. Seen living and going out and trying to gather a life for myself.
Two decades later and I’m a shadow on the wall. Moving but not really going anywhere. Existing to give someone else meaning to their life. Buried in the darkness of a fast moving world.
Mom and Dad has left me behind, not picking calls and cutting conversations down to marriage and kids.
Kids? Me that haven’t grown up yet?
It brings me no joy to come upon my decision to stand on the cold railing on a bridge, stare down at the swimming darkness before me and feel nothing but peace.
Peace I haven’t felt since I was fifteen and Billy put his hands into my shorts.
Yes. I want to kill myself. A coward’s escape but an escape nonetheless.
By my logic, nobody will feel my absence, they don’t see me so how can they miss me?
One less soul in a sea of billions more. I could sleep but that only makes me more tired when I wake up. I could gym but then I’ll be sore and tired and empty when all workouts have finished. I tried talking to someone but She just scribbled and scribbled and felt at peace with what she wanted to hear.
I could love someone but then what would happen to them when I’m too tired to care about their feelings and their hearts I’m mishandling.
It's best I leave right? Peaceful exit into that that deep dark unknown.
Sigh… this might be my last 3am entry. I stopped sleeping awhile back maybe now I can sleep for a very long time.
P.S It doesn’t matter your logic. Seek help, call family, open up. There’s peace in sharing the weight.
Much love, Lolita❤️
© 0506girly
