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Relationship
Nobody ever told you that the hardest relationship was a healthy relationship after a toxic one.
You wake up to someone who gives you the softest kisses on your forehead and asks what you want for breakfast. When you are eating lunch in your office, you get a text with a picture attached of them: *I miss you.* You both sit in silence for hours doing your own thing, and it will be comfortable—no doubts or questions. When they are out with friends, they reach out and call or text you whenever they get any free time. There are no fights, no waiting, no crying, no heartbreaking words that rip your heart apart.
And still, you miss the one you shouldn't miss. You check on their profile every once in a while. You sit and wonder the harshest thing—is your new relationship boring, even when it's right for you? You miss the conversations with the person who only knew kindness when it was from afar. He texted you the sweetest things, but it took days, sometimes weeks, to get that text. When you were together, they were always far away. You knew you weren't the only one they told those three important words. You hated them with every ounce of your very being, but on a Sunday, when they rang your bell at 6 AM with ice cream and flowers in their hand—asking if they can kiss you because they terribly missed you—the makeup sex felt like the best thing in the entire world. It was like experiencing the rain after centuries of drought. Their very existence made you cry and crave more. *Why couldn't this always be like this?* you thought often.
You come back to your senses. *Why are you thinking about this? Didn't you always want something like this?* Maybe you loved them more, you think for a second. That was the only way you could explain the intensity you felt for them and not the one you are with now. You lose yourself in all these questions. And then a text—from the one who loves you now. The kindest *How are you? Did you eat? I hope you aren't overthinking. I love you.* The kindest words, the very proof that they know you so well. You have so many good memories together. *What were your good memories like with the one you couldn't keep?* Every good memory was laced with a bad one. Three weeks of silence and then a proper date. Seeing them flirt with someone and then getting a proper kiss. Hearing their excuses for why they were busy while they were on trips with other people who were attracted to them, and then getting the best snogs that made you want to break into tears. Asking if they loved you for years and years, and feeling the warmth in their words only after they found you desperately after you took a break from them. The entire time that you had with each other was terrible, and then a golden day. Everything feels back to normal. The chase felt worth it, the *holding on to someone even when your hands bleed* felt rewarding. All the bad memories replaced by one good memory, and that's the only memory you choose to keep.
And what do you have here? A sense of security, a sense of belonging, a place you could always come back to. Home. You have used this word before for them, but this is the only place that you have really found home in. You have bad days, but they do not leave you with heartaches. You are accepted despite everything. You are loved as you are. You had forgotten how this felt long ago, and here you are, reminded of it again. And it's hard. It's really hard because you have grown accustomed to being treated poorly for what seems like an eternity, and now everything is too good to be true. There are no special days anymore because every day is almost too easy. No wailing, no crying on the bus, no waiting for a single text, no good day after weeks of feeling worse. There is no excitement. You can always predict how the day will go. You know your new love is spoiling you, giving you the love that you feel like you don't deserve. After all, you are someone who finds themselves comparing both times together—even when there shouldn't be anything to compare. You miss the intimacy, the warmth of lying naked with each other. You have been clinging on to it so much because the truth is that you had no emotional support and you were never loved right, so the only time you ever felt wanted was when you were intimate, and that is the memory that you have been keeping of them for such a long time. It's horrible, really.
When you come back to your senses, lunch is already over. You gather your thoughts. When you return home, they wait for you and ask you to join them. As you hug them, you finally feel secure. The musky smell of their body, the cotton of their clothes, the soft wrapped arms around you, the forehead kisses—everything is like coming back home. You forget all that you were thinking about. This is what you want to be accustomed to each day. This is the very person you want to treat right. You are going to need a lot of healing, you think to yourself, and you think of the ways you can help yourself. Nobody ever told you that the hardest relationship was a healthy relationship after a toxic one. But you know it now. You extend your arms and try to reach the face of the one who loves you. It will be hard, but you will be fighting together with someone who is willing to fight alongside you. And that will be all the support that you will ever need.
You will learn to love again, with your whole heart. And it will feel like coming home.
© Hamas Saqi
You wake up to someone who gives you the softest kisses on your forehead and asks what you want for breakfast. When you are eating lunch in your office, you get a text with a picture attached of them: *I miss you.* You both sit in silence for hours doing your own thing, and it will be comfortable—no doubts or questions. When they are out with friends, they reach out and call or text you whenever they get any free time. There are no fights, no waiting, no crying, no heartbreaking words that rip your heart apart.
And still, you miss the one you shouldn't miss. You check on their profile every once in a while. You sit and wonder the harshest thing—is your new relationship boring, even when it's right for you? You miss the conversations with the person who only knew kindness when it was from afar. He texted you the sweetest things, but it took days, sometimes weeks, to get that text. When you were together, they were always far away. You knew you weren't the only one they told those three important words. You hated them with every ounce of your very being, but on a Sunday, when they rang your bell at 6 AM with ice cream and flowers in their hand—asking if they can kiss you because they terribly missed you—the makeup sex felt like the best thing in the entire world. It was like experiencing the rain after centuries of drought. Their very existence made you cry and crave more. *Why couldn't this always be like this?* you thought often.
You come back to your senses. *Why are you thinking about this? Didn't you always want something like this?* Maybe you loved them more, you think for a second. That was the only way you could explain the intensity you felt for them and not the one you are with now. You lose yourself in all these questions. And then a text—from the one who loves you now. The kindest *How are you? Did you eat? I hope you aren't overthinking. I love you.* The kindest words, the very proof that they know you so well. You have so many good memories together. *What were your good memories like with the one you couldn't keep?* Every good memory was laced with a bad one. Three weeks of silence and then a proper date. Seeing them flirt with someone and then getting a proper kiss. Hearing their excuses for why they were busy while they were on trips with other people who were attracted to them, and then getting the best snogs that made you want to break into tears. Asking if they loved you for years and years, and feeling the warmth in their words only after they found you desperately after you took a break from them. The entire time that you had with each other was terrible, and then a golden day. Everything feels back to normal. The chase felt worth it, the *holding on to someone even when your hands bleed* felt rewarding. All the bad memories replaced by one good memory, and that's the only memory you choose to keep.
And what do you have here? A sense of security, a sense of belonging, a place you could always come back to. Home. You have used this word before for them, but this is the only place that you have really found home in. You have bad days, but they do not leave you with heartaches. You are accepted despite everything. You are loved as you are. You had forgotten how this felt long ago, and here you are, reminded of it again. And it's hard. It's really hard because you have grown accustomed to being treated poorly for what seems like an eternity, and now everything is too good to be true. There are no special days anymore because every day is almost too easy. No wailing, no crying on the bus, no waiting for a single text, no good day after weeks of feeling worse. There is no excitement. You can always predict how the day will go. You know your new love is spoiling you, giving you the love that you feel like you don't deserve. After all, you are someone who finds themselves comparing both times together—even when there shouldn't be anything to compare. You miss the intimacy, the warmth of lying naked with each other. You have been clinging on to it so much because the truth is that you had no emotional support and you were never loved right, so the only time you ever felt wanted was when you were intimate, and that is the memory that you have been keeping of them for such a long time. It's horrible, really.
When you come back to your senses, lunch is already over. You gather your thoughts. When you return home, they wait for you and ask you to join them. As you hug them, you finally feel secure. The musky smell of their body, the cotton of their clothes, the soft wrapped arms around you, the forehead kisses—everything is like coming back home. You forget all that you were thinking about. This is what you want to be accustomed to each day. This is the very person you want to treat right. You are going to need a lot of healing, you think to yourself, and you think of the ways you can help yourself. Nobody ever told you that the hardest relationship was a healthy relationship after a toxic one. But you know it now. You extend your arms and try to reach the face of the one who loves you. It will be hard, but you will be fighting together with someone who is willing to fight alongside you. And that will be all the support that you will ever need.
You will learn to love again, with your whole heart. And it will feel like coming home.
© Hamas Saqi
