I'm a girl without much emotions. I've been alone since childhood I cried every night when I realized it during high school but the same thing made me strong later. I've no one to share too, so I talk to myself.
Then I've started my engineering in computer science. Actually I would have been selected for distant and better colleges but family didn't allow so I selected best college in our city.
I've selected the 2nd campus instead of 1st so that I could've fun and education at the same time. ( whatever the institution may be the students passes the exam only when he/she studies).
After the start of my very exciting b.tech life which I expected to be the best because I've nothing in the past so this would be best platform for friends and fun. But as it is local it's just like school and as I'm an ambivert I'm cool juts among some people and I would seem to look like an attitude girl in the class but no one knows I'm alone.
But I didn't have any communication with either girls and not a boy unless some of the people those are my benchmates.
Fine this is too much about the introduction.
The main part is here.
It's around October 2019.
It all started with a LIKE.
He's my senior.
He's too shy to talk to girls, of course too innocent and feels cute to look that way.
He sent me a story (as it's rainy season he sent his insta story of 1st campus) So, I've opened his profile he has his 1st year pics, I've not seen the posted date/year. I thought he's from 1st campus so I've no risk in accepting his request. So, I just accepted the msg rqst and liked the story.
Then it began.
He told me the story that he's a senior of mine and he took my I'd from my classmate and been stalking my profile. He also told me to not to call him brother because he's same of my age but jumped a class in school. I agreed.
The chat continued he's funny, felt good knowing a person after all the time I've been through. But I've seen him ( you know guys change in a year after joining engg.) so, I couldn't recognise him even if he's around me.
On a college fest for DUSSEHRA.
He told me he would let me see him/ even meet him.
Me and my frndz were so excited, but haven't spotted him anywhere coz we don't know who's it.( and obviously he's too shy).
We stalled on the chats. Atlast he asked to come to next floor to see in person. I took a frnd and went he was with his frnd and he's stepping up to the next floor as I go near, even trying to go far, fearing me and saying me to go😂 (lol so shy and funny).
So, later I got a feeling he's so emotional and I don't wanna get attached to someone and wanted to get rid of him for good. So, I confessed. He said to call at once and he'll end it once and for all. We talked, and actually it is where it has began..!!
He got too emotional, he said his tragic past love story
( He's innocent as I said but he's way too innocent back in highschool, a girl started chatting with him, proposed him, manipulated him but he loved her with all his heart, the thing is she already have a bf but they were on a break so she simply used him for the time being and when those two got together she left him.
He cried a lot and lot, begged her holding his legs, cried until his shirt tore off. She wasn't convinced and called his mother and said that he's irritating her with love. He even thought of ending his life but her mother stopped him.)
Then he lost his eamcet rank because of her ( he was intelligent btw).
So, he already regrets his love and now the payment for his studies (4 years).)

After this, I cosoled him and he cried hard, even took sleeping pills for me, and went out in the middle of cold night so that his family couldn't hear his sobbing.
As I thought I don't want any attachments I still tried to ignore him the other days so I logged out Instagram soon and be in what's app, but he even texted me in what's app and sulks about not chatting on insta I used to say reasons like my sis was using the mobile I was asleep or like wise or sometime reply him.
Next, It came to calls in college during lunch and intervals. I wasn't a fan for phone calls. I, not at all picks a call instead wait for it to end so that I can message them later.
Because of his childish behaviour I used to do what he said ( actually he would make me do it until he's sacrificed). I felt kinda like a torture at first it was a total disturbance to me for months, but I acted I was fine as I pretend always.

So, the calls grew long and the chats longer. He disturbed me even during my exams but I patiently took all in.
And then later I guess I grew feelings for him ( of course anyone will, after all that funny, cuteness, possesiveness, obsession, care and love).
Then the Freshers party arrived.
there's an interactive session for freshman and sophomore (jr. and sr.) before the party.
Actually every one of our seniors from both sections knew me and I don't even know one of 'em. They know me as a classy girl, and the one which made the person who never talks to girls fall for her.
So, the session began and I sat at the last row last seat as back as possible. but the seniors selected me(as I said they know me and this is the only best chance they've got to target me) and this is done when they planningly sent "him" away for bringing some necessaries.
They made me do "lungi dance" (idk how to dance I managed). The seniors from the back were taking videos to send him, idk until he say that to me that I did well ( also his frndz were so excited as my frndz are more than us 😂 when we're near).
Then later the PK came in. ( him = PK) . He's a very good dancer, and so much excitement, enthusiasm filled the room and cheers from the back shouting PK PK, idk what to do rather than Blush❤️.
One of this frnd went to the stage took the mic and called PK raavali, PK raavali. then the crowd from back continued the same mixing PK and ravali as PK Ravali (ravali is "the" girl name).
The room is totally excited and I got to see him dance, even my frndz were cheering for him I was shocked and happy.
Then the Freshers came. I wore a Barbie dress ( well, that's the day to look beautiful). There were seniors at the entrance so as usual I've looked at them and crossed them but he was in it too. Then he followed me to our floor asked me to turn to him to let him see me ( of course from the long, saying the direction to turn where he is).
Well. it's Freshers and he's the charm for dance and his time came.
Not only CSE but all the department girls were cheering, and I was blueing so hard. my frndz were commenting that the lyrics is for me😅 and later he said the same.
And after program he called me to meet him and his frndz were there, it's the second time to see him from all the time being. ( how ironic I hardly remember his face only the innocent look and glasses makes me feel it's him).
As I told you I don't look at anyone usually, when it comes to him the thing is how much the crowd may be I would have eye contact to him directly and this happens all the time and I would've stopped for a second or more seeing deep😅 not caring whoever was around I was fixated on him. ( once a sir was there).
idk how but I grew fond of her ( as you know when a girl starts to care she cares more than she receive).
The 1st year completed.
OK, now the hard part.
I've received threatening msg and call for talking to him from my senior/bro to not talk to him.
But the thing we don't understand is we hardly see each other in distance and never ever met personally and just twe've seen both of us in a 3-5 ft distance twice. But the whole college knows us, my seniors and their seniors!! howw.
So this is how it started to fade away.
As we talked that he's emotional he's too afriad too.
when I got that call/msg I said him I'll leave but he said to fight it.
I risked it for him, I've kept away my brother's word and continued to talk to him.
But he's so possesive and angry he used to use the words I never want to hear. But I still beared many of them hoping he would stop one day but he never did, I told him many times that words hurt me more than wounds. but her never listened.

Later, he got the message to keep me away then he started doing it, just didn't say me and after some days when I confronted he told me the truth ( but he was the one who told me to face them risking my respect but when it came to him he just left)

he started ignoring me, avoiding my calls and barely messaged and talked on call when I tried continuously.

He made me weak. He turned me emotionless to drown in emotions. He tells me he loves me whenever I call and confront him about the things he did to provoke my care. but he doesn't seem to care.

I choked for him, I've never cried like this,not even after I was alone all my life. He manipulated me completely 🙄.
He made the strong in me fade away and just left me without any regret or feelings.
so you see here he became the mature one, and I'm the weaker one who's relying on him to talk to him and hoping an answer that will satisfy me.
He even directly said to don't talk, leave him alone, never come back on the face.
But I could I let go that easily.....!!!
those stupid feelings were totally in my head and I don't know how he got all of them out. can't he atleast realize my worth, sacrifice.
I lost all my self respect for him.
I never cared that much for anyone , not even myself as I recall.
I actually loved him.
He just LEFT!!!!!!
and after the arguments about leaving me when I was looking for a hopeful answer he told me to meet after his final year when he gets a job.
oh, no it's been 1½ year already I'm not calling for your love.
Not after all these, a coward shouldn't love, or atleast you shouldn't provoke love from a rock, melt it and just leave it...!!!!!!

I just want to know that you realize my worth.
I know I did my best to work that toxic relationship but you just left me in the quick sand.
And because of you I've lost the faith in love and you're the last chance I gave my life that this person would fit my life after all the temporary people.
but after all you're temporary too (you said you're not and told that you'll prove it at first).
Now on I wouldn't even allow any others to join my life.
But I need a distraction. idk how to find it.

© Lovely