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Diary of a young Girl...
I am 23years old girl who doesn’t know how to focus on herself and all she know is to focus on waiting for a perfect partner. When I was a child, it was waiting for the perfect best friend. One after the other came I kept on trying to hold them close to me. In fact, I did every possible thing to do that but sooner or later they broke my heart and walked up with some other friend. I never understood why they always ended up being jealous on me and ultimately disliking me. But like the last ray of hope, I finally found the one. My perfect best friend. OMG, she was so like me. She was simple, humble, very friendly, we had so amazing time together. Most important she was not jealous of me and definitely doesn’t dislike me. Oops!! But like every awesome story, I had some villains in my story too but guess what I fought them all. I was a true heroine of the story and won all battles to keep my best friend with me, even if it involved slitting my hand and being called by the principal. I was happy, I won. yeeee….. After few months wooofff…… gone… wait… what…. For whom did I do all this, who doesn’t even text me if I don’t and who doesn’t give a call if I don’t. Yes she did respond always, whenever I called for almost 2years but isn’t a perfect friendship supposed to be equal from both sides. So why doesn’t she ever initiate anything from her side, not a call, not a text not a meeting… So once i decided to sit back and wait……. Well the wait is still continued. And my faith in perfect friendship was finally gone. No more I believed that a perfect best friend existed. Thanks to her for bringing me out of this illusion.
In the mean time I grew up, my hunt for a perfect best friend changed to the hunt for perfect man. My Mr. Right. I met few men obviously but most of them I din like, and those on whom I was typically interested, they were not into me. There was one guy whom I liked lil lil, and he was also responding nicely but wait even before love could blossom, he was behind something else. I ran away from my third date, I felt like I was getting assaulted. Since childhood I was very insecured for this matter and I just wanted one thing that no body uses me for lust. Then there I finally found my Mr.Right who agreed upon my silly stupid condition of not doing anything until we get married. OMG I was falling head over heels in love with him. It was a fairytale, I saw love in his eyes every time I met him. Though we started off with this silly stupid promise to each other but obviously that din persist for long and we both broke the rule, getting to be quite close to each other in every possible way. Soon evidences of his non-commitment into this relation came up, I started fighting with him but still I believed my love. Later he decided to call of the relation, I am not aware of the exact reasons, but I was told I fight a lot. Well nobody tried to understand the insecurity I went through because of some of his acts. But by that time we were close enough, so I felt like, the one thing that I never wished to be in life, has happened. I was used for lust. I fought with him even more, but everytime he said he was in love with me truly, I couldn’t help but believe in him. However he always added that he can’t be in relation whereas I wanted us to be back. He also told me a lot about his life stories which were quiet painful, he even cried many times and all his tears made me believe that he can’t use me. He is not a person like that. He loved me and whatever we did was out of love. Obviously true love will be united some time so, I waited for days, months, year which turned into years. During this time I did every possible thing that I felt could bring us back even if it involved only moments of passion and no other emotional talks together with long gaps of no contact, but every time he came my hope got a new hope and I accepted him with open arms, did whatever he wanted. I persisted to believe that he just needs time and some day he will realize I am the one for him. I was waiting for that day patiently, every ticking second of my life. Ticking seconds turned to 6years when I finally realized he was really using me for the last 2years. He got a girlfriend for two years and his whole family accepted them. Moreover this was the same girl who was there in his life before me, so was it a cheating of 2years or 6years, I don’t know. I completely broke that night, I was not in myself, only 1litre of liquor was speaking. 4days before my exam, I don’t know what I was doing. At the end when I got into my senses, I had one thing in my mind, MEN are jerk, they are not someone to be trusted atleast not for love relationships. They only know one thing and that was how to satisfy their limbo, that’s all. I couldn’t trust men anymore. Mr. Right doesn’t exist and thanks to him for bringing me out of that illusion.
My stupid heart still couldn’t give up the idea, of having a perfect love, it was still waiting. I din realize when I opened an account in a lb site, may be because I was waiting for someone and I couldn’t trust men. Well I din feel all this back then that I took the first step of turning gay, it was just a casual time pass for me. Obviously I am a straight girl so a girly girl wont interest me. All those girls came around, I just chitchatted and passed. With passing days I came in terms with two tomboys. One, whom I had an eye for and the other who had an eye for me. Obviously I tried a lot to settle out with the one I had an eye for but she was not at all showing interest. I had to run behind her which I couldn’t do for long. The girl who had an eye for me was there available, so I just kept on passing time with her. She was trying to impress but that was not happening actually. Then finally I got fed up, I decided to close the account and that day I happen to get a text from someone, a tomboy. I checked her pictures, she was not just a tomboy but an utter butch woman. But I already decided to close that account so just gave her my whatsapp number and closed it. Her message din pop in whatsapp so I thought she wasn’t interested and I shook it off. It was after 2hours when she texted. She happen to attract me in our very first message conversation. Then was our first phone call, well wow.. she was damn interesting. With passing days, as I got to know her, it felt more amazing. I din even realize when this happened, but actually I was missing her if she was not with me. I was waiting for her call and text. We interacted more and more, I could not realize how I forgot the girl I had an eye for and how I stopped responding to the girl who had an eye for me. My 24*7 was booked for her and only her. Hold on am I turning really gay?? But trust me at that moment even this din feel bad. She was so perfect, I felt like I found my perfect love. She was masculine from outside, but had a soft girl’s heart. She understood me like no one else. She complemented me in every way, like she was the other half of my jigsaw puzzle. I could never tell anyone how I felt for her, because she was a girl but I couldn’t avoid my emotions. They were there and growing day by day. And the best part, she was falling for me too, I knew that but she never admitted it, making me yearn for her acceptance even more. Finally that day came, she proposed me that too with a ring, obviously over whatsapp because we stay miles away from each other but the gesture was beautiful. I knew it had no future but still I said yes. Hmm I said yes to this lesbian relationship. I was her girlfriend and she was mine. My trusted friend who knew about it, tried to warn me and tried to show me the truth but I decided to be blind and be in the dreamy world, because it was sooooo perfect. Believe me, even my ex boyfriend couldn’t give me this, that she gave. She gave me a perfect relationship, beautiful four months, I can’t help but cherish. Her friends and family members chatted with me, i felt so special because my ex din even told his friends that he was committed. Even though it was long distance and it developed over texts and vedio call but it was beautiful. So I did not regret this lesbian relationship because it made me smile. Every pieces of my broken heart was glued by her love. Yes yes I was in love again, that I never felt can happen again. I have no words to describe my emotions that I went through, no words can exactly describe the feeling. The feeling of completeness, feeling of togetherness. My best perfect moments of life. Yes moments with my ex actually became 2nd best because the way she made feel special every single day of those four months, sitting miles away from me, even he couldn’t do it being in the same city with me. I saw so much love in her eyes. I respected her, I loved her, I believed her, I worshipped her. She was bit insecured about me but I was managing it well. Until, I made a mistake of lying to her. I did that to protect her insecurity but it paved the way to our destruction. Thereafter she was not ready to believe in anything I say. One mistake, led to the next then to the next and then to the next. I could see my beautiful world getting crashed infront of my eyes and I couldn’t help to do anything other than cursing myself. So many characters, who were her friends and family members came up between me and her and all of them were making my life more miserable with confusions, misunderstandings and tears. I tried all possible ways to save this relation but with every step it was slipping out. I was not treated well, infact treated miserably. I din want to commit the same mistake of chasing my partner for years that I did last time with a vain ending. I decided to step back. If I can’t cure this, I can’t ruin it any further and get hurt. I bid her bye and took a stand for myself. Obviously when I missed her, I stalked her. After 2days I could calm myself so I unblocked her and soon after she lashed out to me, not directly but through status updates. I knew the reason of her anger, I vanished like that so I din say anything and read all that she wanted to say. She was making me jealous, I accepted that too. It was 3days after that, when I discovered her first lie about her facebook account. It was kind of relief to me that ok, so she also lied to me and its not only just me. So far I was living with this guilt that I spoiled everything with my lie, but wake up!!! She also lied to me. It was not before 2days more when I discovered lies about those extra characters who happened to be her friends and relatives, who made my life hell. Wait…… what???? It was all her, through out the time playing three characters at a time over phone and making me live in a burning hell every second of my life for the past one month. My tears, my obsession, my pain nothing worked on her and she continued to do that drama. Wait did she actually ever loved me?? Did really my perfect relationship ever existed, or was it just a hallucination, because if she ever loved me, could she have tortured me mentally like this. I confronted her and when I did she smartly put all blame on me about lying in the first place and completely keeping it aside that she lied the entire time. Well she din accept that she lied. But now I know she did, every word that she ever spoke was a lie. whenever I am trying to look back, each time one or the other evidence coming up to enlighten me about some lie that she made. I don’t know who she is, where she work, what she does.. nothing!! Infact I barely know her. My relationship was with a imaginary character that she created. So I went silent with an expectation that she will have the guts to come up with her reality but she came up with another fake character to cover all her old mishaps. Wow!! Another lie. Thereafter I din believe anything that she said because I catch her lie very fast, but I never told her. I allowed her to create, this imaginary world again, I will see it and forget.
Unfortunately, all evidences were right there, infront of my eye but I could never see them. I was so blind in love. She continued to say she loves me but I din believe her, rather I don’t believe the word Love anymore. This word is better off in tv and movies, not in real life. She was still framing new stories but soon i was done with that so i silently moved out of it. I stopped replying.........
Well, I would actually like to thank her. “Thank you for making me realize that there is no perfect relationship. Thank you for ending my illusion once again. Finally I stopped hunting for love as well. Honestly, of all the people I met in my life, I respected, honoured and believed you the most. It was kind of blind faith. I don’t know why and how it happened but I worshipped you. The song tujhme rab dekhta hai, I actually, could dedicate that to you. I was even ready to go to out of station with you and stay 2nights. Something I could have never even thought of doing with my ex. I was ready to do that with you. With a person I don’t know anything about. You could be a pimp, you could have popped a pill in my drink and the next morning when I open my eyes, I could have found myself in red light area. My parents wouldn’t have ever a clue about anything and my whole life would have ended. Actually I trusted you that much that you had the power to destroy my whole life but thank you for not doing so. Thank you for just breaking my heart and not my life. Thank you for breaking my trust and not my family. I know you have my pictures and vedios but I just hope you wont use them in any wrong way or you din store them to use it in any wrong way in future. You din destroy my life in the Mumbai trip so I hope you wont destroy my life in future as well. So thank you for saving my life and breaking my heart. Thank you for not tuning into my worst nightmare from my love. Moreover thank you for making me realize that love doesn’t exist and neither a perfect partner. No one in the world will ever love you like the way you want to, other than you yourself. I know I am still not doing good at loving myself but atleast I am trying for the very first time. So thank you for teaching me this lesson.”
I guess people whom you love the most have the power to teach you the toughest lesson of life. Signing off….
© mysteriousmist
#lifetakestwistsandturns #heartbreak #lgbtq
In the mean time I grew up, my hunt for a perfect best friend changed to the hunt for perfect man. My Mr. Right. I met few men obviously but most of them I din like, and those on whom I was typically interested, they were not into me. There was one guy whom I liked lil lil, and he was also responding nicely but wait even before love could blossom, he was behind something else. I ran away from my third date, I felt like I was getting assaulted. Since childhood I was very insecured for this matter and I just wanted one thing that no body uses me for lust. Then there I finally found my Mr.Right who agreed upon my silly stupid condition of not doing anything until we get married. OMG I was falling head over heels in love with him. It was a fairytale, I saw love in his eyes every time I met him. Though we started off with this silly stupid promise to each other but obviously that din persist for long and we both broke the rule, getting to be quite close to each other in every possible way. Soon evidences of his non-commitment into this relation came up, I started fighting with him but still I believed my love. Later he decided to call of the relation, I am not aware of the exact reasons, but I was told I fight a lot. Well nobody tried to understand the insecurity I went through because of some of his acts. But by that time we were close enough, so I felt like, the one thing that I never wished to be in life, has happened. I was used for lust. I fought with him even more, but everytime he said he was in love with me truly, I couldn’t help but believe in him. However he always added that he can’t be in relation whereas I wanted us to be back. He also told me a lot about his life stories which were quiet painful, he even cried many times and all his tears made me believe that he can’t use me. He is not a person like that. He loved me and whatever we did was out of love. Obviously true love will be united some time so, I waited for days, months, year which turned into years. During this time I did every possible thing that I felt could bring us back even if it involved only moments of passion and no other emotional talks together with long gaps of no contact, but every time he came my hope got a new hope and I accepted him with open arms, did whatever he wanted. I persisted to believe that he just needs time and some day he will realize I am the one for him. I was waiting for that day patiently, every ticking second of my life. Ticking seconds turned to 6years when I finally realized he was really using me for the last 2years. He got a girlfriend for two years and his whole family accepted them. Moreover this was the same girl who was there in his life before me, so was it a cheating of 2years or 6years, I don’t know. I completely broke that night, I was not in myself, only 1litre of liquor was speaking. 4days before my exam, I don’t know what I was doing. At the end when I got into my senses, I had one thing in my mind, MEN are jerk, they are not someone to be trusted atleast not for love relationships. They only know one thing and that was how to satisfy their limbo, that’s all. I couldn’t trust men anymore. Mr. Right doesn’t exist and thanks to him for bringing me out of that illusion.
My stupid heart still couldn’t give up the idea, of having a perfect love, it was still waiting. I din realize when I opened an account in a lb site, may be because I was waiting for someone and I couldn’t trust men. Well I din feel all this back then that I took the first step of turning gay, it was just a casual time pass for me. Obviously I am a straight girl so a girly girl wont interest me. All those girls came around, I just chitchatted and passed. With passing days I came in terms with two tomboys. One, whom I had an eye for and the other who had an eye for me. Obviously I tried a lot to settle out with the one I had an eye for but she was not at all showing interest. I had to run behind her which I couldn’t do for long. The girl who had an eye for me was there available, so I just kept on passing time with her. She was trying to impress but that was not happening actually. Then finally I got fed up, I decided to close the account and that day I happen to get a text from someone, a tomboy. I checked her pictures, she was not just a tomboy but an utter butch woman. But I already decided to close that account so just gave her my whatsapp number and closed it. Her message din pop in whatsapp so I thought she wasn’t interested and I shook it off. It was after 2hours when she texted. She happen to attract me in our very first message conversation. Then was our first phone call, well wow.. she was damn interesting. With passing days, as I got to know her, it felt more amazing. I din even realize when this happened, but actually I was missing her if she was not with me. I was waiting for her call and text. We interacted more and more, I could not realize how I forgot the girl I had an eye for and how I stopped responding to the girl who had an eye for me. My 24*7 was booked for her and only her. Hold on am I turning really gay?? But trust me at that moment even this din feel bad. She was so perfect, I felt like I found my perfect love. She was masculine from outside, but had a soft girl’s heart. She understood me like no one else. She complemented me in every way, like she was the other half of my jigsaw puzzle. I could never tell anyone how I felt for her, because she was a girl but I couldn’t avoid my emotions. They were there and growing day by day. And the best part, she was falling for me too, I knew that but she never admitted it, making me yearn for her acceptance even more. Finally that day came, she proposed me that too with a ring, obviously over whatsapp because we stay miles away from each other but the gesture was beautiful. I knew it had no future but still I said yes. Hmm I said yes to this lesbian relationship. I was her girlfriend and she was mine. My trusted friend who knew about it, tried to warn me and tried to show me the truth but I decided to be blind and be in the dreamy world, because it was sooooo perfect. Believe me, even my ex boyfriend couldn’t give me this, that she gave. She gave me a perfect relationship, beautiful four months, I can’t help but cherish. Her friends and family members chatted with me, i felt so special because my ex din even told his friends that he was committed. Even though it was long distance and it developed over texts and vedio call but it was beautiful. So I did not regret this lesbian relationship because it made me smile. Every pieces of my broken heart was glued by her love. Yes yes I was in love again, that I never felt can happen again. I have no words to describe my emotions that I went through, no words can exactly describe the feeling. The feeling of completeness, feeling of togetherness. My best perfect moments of life. Yes moments with my ex actually became 2nd best because the way she made feel special every single day of those four months, sitting miles away from me, even he couldn’t do it being in the same city with me. I saw so much love in her eyes. I respected her, I loved her, I believed her, I worshipped her. She was bit insecured about me but I was managing it well. Until, I made a mistake of lying to her. I did that to protect her insecurity but it paved the way to our destruction. Thereafter she was not ready to believe in anything I say. One mistake, led to the next then to the next and then to the next. I could see my beautiful world getting crashed infront of my eyes and I couldn’t help to do anything other than cursing myself. So many characters, who were her friends and family members came up between me and her and all of them were making my life more miserable with confusions, misunderstandings and tears. I tried all possible ways to save this relation but with every step it was slipping out. I was not treated well, infact treated miserably. I din want to commit the same mistake of chasing my partner for years that I did last time with a vain ending. I decided to step back. If I can’t cure this, I can’t ruin it any further and get hurt. I bid her bye and took a stand for myself. Obviously when I missed her, I stalked her. After 2days I could calm myself so I unblocked her and soon after she lashed out to me, not directly but through status updates. I knew the reason of her anger, I vanished like that so I din say anything and read all that she wanted to say. She was making me jealous, I accepted that too. It was 3days after that, when I discovered her first lie about her facebook account. It was kind of relief to me that ok, so she also lied to me and its not only just me. So far I was living with this guilt that I spoiled everything with my lie, but wake up!!! She also lied to me. It was not before 2days more when I discovered lies about those extra characters who happened to be her friends and relatives, who made my life hell. Wait…… what???? It was all her, through out the time playing three characters at a time over phone and making me live in a burning hell every second of my life for the past one month. My tears, my obsession, my pain nothing worked on her and she continued to do that drama. Wait did she actually ever loved me?? Did really my perfect relationship ever existed, or was it just a hallucination, because if she ever loved me, could she have tortured me mentally like this. I confronted her and when I did she smartly put all blame on me about lying in the first place and completely keeping it aside that she lied the entire time. Well she din accept that she lied. But now I know she did, every word that she ever spoke was a lie. whenever I am trying to look back, each time one or the other evidence coming up to enlighten me about some lie that she made. I don’t know who she is, where she work, what she does.. nothing!! Infact I barely know her. My relationship was with a imaginary character that she created. So I went silent with an expectation that she will have the guts to come up with her reality but she came up with another fake character to cover all her old mishaps. Wow!! Another lie. Thereafter I din believe anything that she said because I catch her lie very fast, but I never told her. I allowed her to create, this imaginary world again, I will see it and forget.
Unfortunately, all evidences were right there, infront of my eye but I could never see them. I was so blind in love. She continued to say she loves me but I din believe her, rather I don’t believe the word Love anymore. This word is better off in tv and movies, not in real life. She was still framing new stories but soon i was done with that so i silently moved out of it. I stopped replying.........
Well, I would actually like to thank her. “Thank you for making me realize that there is no perfect relationship. Thank you for ending my illusion once again. Finally I stopped hunting for love as well. Honestly, of all the people I met in my life, I respected, honoured and believed you the most. It was kind of blind faith. I don’t know why and how it happened but I worshipped you. The song tujhme rab dekhta hai, I actually, could dedicate that to you. I was even ready to go to out of station with you and stay 2nights. Something I could have never even thought of doing with my ex. I was ready to do that with you. With a person I don’t know anything about. You could be a pimp, you could have popped a pill in my drink and the next morning when I open my eyes, I could have found myself in red light area. My parents wouldn’t have ever a clue about anything and my whole life would have ended. Actually I trusted you that much that you had the power to destroy my whole life but thank you for not doing so. Thank you for just breaking my heart and not my life. Thank you for breaking my trust and not my family. I know you have my pictures and vedios but I just hope you wont use them in any wrong way or you din store them to use it in any wrong way in future. You din destroy my life in the Mumbai trip so I hope you wont destroy my life in future as well. So thank you for saving my life and breaking my heart. Thank you for not tuning into my worst nightmare from my love. Moreover thank you for making me realize that love doesn’t exist and neither a perfect partner. No one in the world will ever love you like the way you want to, other than you yourself. I know I am still not doing good at loving myself but atleast I am trying for the very first time. So thank you for teaching me this lesson.”
I guess people whom you love the most have the power to teach you the toughest lesson of life. Signing off….
© mysteriousmist
#lifetakestwistsandturns #heartbreak #lgbtq
