To keep me from being angry and crying after refusing to do what I ordered her, she would make sure of what I wanted, so she would turn back towards me in the bed. Mum would fix what I had instructed, and that is to tap the top of my duvet. Would you believe just by meeting this demand, I stopped crying and being angry suddenly, and I was able to lie down and relax.

Can you see that there’s a pattern of not just me being distressed, but Mum is too? Because I didn’t know what this was all about and other people suggested to her I was trying to control her again, but as a mum, and knowing this isn’t the young boy she knew, she had something telling her it’s something more, but what?

Without realising, not only am I being controlled, but so is my mum!

Day in and day out, I’m having these strange, unexplained thoughts and feelings that are distressing me and I’m finding it very difficult to relax.
I’m restless, on edge for the slightest noise and thinking I’m not normal like my friends.

I’m excited to start primary school today and my mum is preparing my lunch and I can see the nervousness in her because its my 1st day in primary. I’m nervous too. I hope people like me, feeling scared but excited for my 1st day ahead.

I settle in well, I made new friends and the teacher was great, he was a very funny teacher and made me laugh often.

I start to learn to write my name, write numbers and I draw shapes. I’m happy in school, but then my writing got difficult.

Writing my name, KIAN, something wasn’t right, what is it? I’m uncomfortable, instantly crossing out the word, I need to re write it again. KIAN; “omg, why" its wrong again, argh. Strong, intense anger and uncomfortable feeling takes over me, I don’t know what to do, I scribble again my name.

Third time, I try again KIAN! “Noooo,” its wrong, shaking and mad at myself, I’m going to be told off by my teacher! My page is a mess, I just can’t do my name right, I’m feeling extreme distress and I need to rewrite it correctly, it has to be JUST RIGHT!

5 Maybe 6 times later, I did it! Its right, KIAN.
The relief and weight from my shoulders go away. I can continue writing my work.
What is wrong with me, why am I feeling this intense pain, I’m hot and shaky inside. The stress, fear and control takes over me? I just want to be happy, feel good inside and be calm, but its impossible.

Not everyday, but sometimes I’d struggle to write because I have to do it again and again to make me feel better, it has to be JUST RIGHT. It has to look a certain way or I need to do it over and over again until it feels right to me.