9. Her secrets…

She closed the door and whispered.

“I told your grandma that you woke up, but is staying inside due to fever. She asked for you the first thing this morning…”
“Me? Why?..” I was getting irritated.

“Last night I slept in her room since you were ill. I couldn’t bear the snoring sound, and had to sleep at the hall later. Your grandma is complaining that if you were beside her, she wouldn’t be left alone. That’s why.”
“so, now you realize my plight.” I gleamed with false sense of pride. I continued.

“But chechi, its getting difficult for me too, see, I was sick after spending two nights there. Aadhi is exceptional to stay there.”
“ I can understand.” She empathized.
“When you were his age, you were just like Aadhi. You used to be around grandma all the time.” She said.
“and now you have become a man… I can see that…”

Walking down the memory line, I realize that these happenings were before my memory became concretely developed. Hardest I can remember is sleeping in my grandma’s lap during Aadhi’s naming ceremony.
Priyanka served me tea. She had prepared tea again since the morning tea had gone tepid. As I gulped down tea, something struck my mind. Earlier that morning, I remember fantasizing about Priyanka. Once in 2006, when we got together, one of my cousins had discovered that I spoke during sleep. I was nicknamed “soliloq-guy” afterwards when my uncle termed the word for such an activity was “soliloquy”. I wondered whether I could have spoke anything profane during sleep, or maybe Priyanka would have spotted my morning wood while going to washroom. I over-thought all possible permutations and combinations of whether anything had went wrong.

I pondered over and over, was her last line an innuendo remark. Usually such lines are common in family themed erotic literature. So, I felt at unease. Thinking more about it, the confusion gave way to complicated contentment.
That afternoon, Priyanka asked me to help her tidy up a shelf in storehouse. It was full of woman’s magazine. I never knew she read them. I haven’t seen a single one in the hall anywhere accessible to common eyes.
“To combat boredom, was her answer.”

She really had a strenuous lone-time during working season, when Aadhi had school and she was all alone with grandma. Grandma was not someone who entertain small talks.
“You could have worked after Aadhi grew…” I spoke, but then I suddenly thought I shouldn’t have.
“Easier said than done…thanks for asking” she replied.
“ why should you thank me?” I was doubtful.
“At least someone asked me..”
I felt that she wanted to speak more about this., that she was waiting for my awaiting interest.
“ So you liked working after pregnancy?”
“It was not my plan to resign. Your Uncle wanted me to… and when Aadhi could manage on his own, your grandma moved in… and she demands constant attention… I am sorry, but … I don’t know.. you carry on arranging the bookshelf, I will come back. Something is boiling on the stove.”

She left at a blind pause. She didn’t came back for about ten minutes. I felt I could make her comfortable so that she could open up to me. I recognized her voice was shaky, some profound sadness lurked in them.
As I waited for her, I glanced through the magazines. I set aside some of them which appeared to have pictures that could help me relieve myself in helpless situations I usually got entangled in there. Usually the ones featuring my celebrity crushes, health magazines focusing on sexual health, or local magazines. It is a fact well acknowledged by Malayali boys, that “the most beautiful women in the world are only found as caricatures in these women’s regional magazines”. So I searched for them among the huge heap of magazines spanning a period of five or six years.

But my mind still stayed with Priyanka, reverberating the words over… and over again.
She came back and inquired the status of cleaning up. She looked as if trying to hide something, as if she wanted me to forget what she told a while before.
“And … did you get any job offers after that?” I broke the icy situation.
She behaved as if she didn’t hear me, like I didn’t asked anything. She was busy brushing dust from shelves.
I repeated my question, this time moving near her.

“That doesn’t matter anymore.” She replied. “go on with the large books at the bottom, and bigger ones at top.”
I knew she was ignoring my question. So I didn’t force her anymore. I felt that she may not be trusting me, since I was a member of family she was married into. No matter how much close we grow by marital bonds, this feeling of being an ‘outsider’ is eternal. Maybe it takes a lot of time, patience and trust for her to let herself open before me. I secretly moved some selected magazines to corner for easy retrieval in future. Besides that, everything was arranged as per her order, and the work was over by evening.

That evening, I quarrelled with my Aadhi over remote, there was an India vs Pakistan cricket match, but he was so adamant to watch re-telecast of cartoon Chotta Bheem. When the fight escalated, grandma supported Aadhi and I felt left out. Grandma usually takes his sides when we fight. She also switches off television after her television soaps are over, citing that television will overheat and explode. I was annoyed. I reminisced the plans I made for this vacation by skipping crash course. Crash course was better, I felt.

I slammed the door shut and sat moody on Priyanka’s bed. She came in few moments later.
“I can ask Aadhi to hand over remote, he already…”
I interrupted
“Not necessary.. anyways I am an outsider.”
“Why are you overreacting?, we are a family.” She tried to convince
“Is it me overreacting?... honestly, you never consider me as a family. You don’t trust me. You doesn’t even share your problems…and you are here to preach.”

I was extremely disgusted by my grandma’s attitude, irritated by Aadhi’s behaviour and so I let my frustration out on Priyanka. I regret it today.

She was silent for a few minutes… and then she went out.

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