Throughout this year a few things have become known to me. I've given myself battles that were unnecessary, mental fights that shouldn't have existed in the first place hindering specific mental connections that would allow me to regain my composure and strengthen my foundation. Discipline, values and my faith have been inconsistent despite my intellectual demeanor. Meaning I appear to be smart and have everything together but I've gained wisdom to know I am a mess that I refused to clean up due to where my head was. Looking back at my former self I recognize a few changes yet at times a feel I am worse now than before but more stable with my thinking.. confusing I know. I refused to accept that a should be happy. I've assumed this role of sorrow too long I now wrestle with the idea that happiness actually exists inside me. I'm allowed to be happy, I know it isn't the goal, but I can now see myself as human again. So my steps are less rushed, less critiqued, but i can't lie I still criticise my inconsistencies, disappointed at my flaws and conditions but aware growth comes with its unique pain just to peel off the shackles, the ideas that no longer belong. So I know it's there, I just have to lean into it but I'm too un-accomplished to allow it to be. These are just thoughts and what I've noticed. The pain i no longer feel, most of my memories I've forgotten, I no longer can see reason in my sorrow, but an exhausted experience no longer remember-able. I feel free yet lost, hopefully yet unsure. But I know this place I am in has been waiting years ago. I'm here now and the road is long but I'm content and I'm willing to endure..... to be new.

© fruitfulodyssey