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A 3 AM Epiphany
I, a conveniently poor articulator just perceived that I am so awkward with people. I no longer know how to be a person. Every time I drastically failed at socializing, I would comfort myself with some warm compliments like " hey, You are not boring. You are fun. It's just that you do not talk much. It's totally fine. You don't need to push yourself for talks if you are not comfortable". But now I deeply feel stupid to even have said all these to myself. Having said that, I am just reminding myself that my social life is hella boring to the point that I barely have a life these days.
Earlier I thought, or more accurately put it, believed that it is not my thing to start a conversation with someone (I don't know but I get freaked out a lot). But lately, I realised that it is neither the start nor the finishing that matters to me. But the in-betweens. Like even if I don't initiate a talk and someone else does, I find it hard to keep up with that person. They may casually be chit-chatting with me. But I would look like a doofus dummy. While the other person talks, I do mostly the bare minimums like smiling, nodding, grunting, and humming ( why did I even put grunting here?) Giving them all the indirect signals that "I am sorry, but I can't take this anymore. Please leave me".
Once I had a talk with the nicest dude I have come across so far. Well, The nicest and he was good-looking too. Initially, we had this awkward eye contact with each other. Because none of us neither spoke nor greeted each other. From that, I thought " he is also a struggler like me". But as time went on, that dude started looking so chilled out. After we had food, we went for a walk. We walked in pairs. So apparently I looked like I was walking alone ( which indeed was). And the boy started noticing that as well. So he slowed down his walk and accompanied me.
He confirmed whether my name is real and went on asking about my favourite TV shows and all. That conversation was simply the simplest which I can answer without even fluttering.
From his side, he was trying every possible way to make me a part of the "pack". ( he might have thought that I was feeling left out). He was so attentive. At some point, he even calmed me down. He would constantly check on me and make sure I was safe. For I was walking with my head down and missing out on all the safest sides of the road. So he was kinda making sure that I wouldn't injure myself. Overall he was kind and sweet.
Besides, at every minute, he made sure that I have a mouth. So I may speak. Every time he walked beside me, or came closer to me, my heart would skip a beat. In this case, it felt like my heart skipped millions of beats. Not because I was falling for him, but because I was feeling anxious to respond. Speaking has always been hard for me. More frequently, I prefer to stay quiet. Also talking to someone new is way out of my reality. However, I spoke back.
Nonetheless, it all sounded so artificial. Because I was panicking inside. Every time he comes closer, my inner monologue would pray to God like "Bhagavan, tell him to speed up his pace. I prefer to walk alone. Please, please and a thousand pleases". I know I would be resented for being so nervous about these little things. But that is who I am. Nervousness comes off so easily whereas easiness comes over as hard-earned money. Such is my vibe. (Probably makes sense why I have been single like forever). He was being so nice to me and I could have easily talked to him. But I failed miserably.
At this point, I don't think I should be invited on dates. Since I might end up making the whole surrounding an uncomfortable mess. At first, I didn't feel anything bad about not conversing with people. Because I was fine with it. But now, the thought of not being able to have a comfortable talk while going for a walk or having a cup of chai with interesting personalities is killing me.
My 24 years of life turn to have become so monotonous ( been a failure to keep up with my barely 5 or 6 friends. Not going out, making new friends. Wait. Making new friends? What am I? A kinder garden kid?) And meeting new People comes at the cost of producing some panicky sweats and thirst.
While I was talking to the boy, I wanted to pee. Not because he was talking, I had a heavy bladder beforehand. But to make it worse, I drank a whole new bottle of water just to hide my awkwardness. After struggling to talk on and off for a straight half an hour, the day finally came to an end. I feel sorry for him and bad for myself for not reciprocating his efforts.
Another random midnight thought I remember vividly is that once I had a 3-day stay at my cousin's house. Those days were lit. I and my cousin partnered up in a "who can lay the longest in bed competition" unless her husband forces us to get ready and hang out. I had some happy days there. When my time to leave for home was up, I booked my ticket. It was my first time booking online. And I was happy that I did. Even though there occurred some doubts, I finally succeeded. My train schedule was one day later. Its arrival time was 12. 45 ( written as 00:45).
When the D- day arrived, I was mentally getting ready to leave. Suddenly, my sister asked me to check the status of the train. I checked and it showed the train had reached my destination long ago. In a nutshell, I missed the train. It was the midnight train. And I misunderstood it as the noon train. FML.
I am not sad or anything. I am just disappointed. I can't create anything extraordinary in my life with this attitude. Oh dear God, I hate saying "gotta live with it".
So what I am trying to say is that I am really bad at making the best impressions. I barely impress myself. So... Excuse me.
Like every time I go out, the famous saying comes into play " njan njanalladhe akum" (I'd rather not be myself than just have trouble speaking). So if I hurt or insult anybody in anyways, I am sorry. I didn't mean it.
Earlier I thought, or more accurately put it, believed that it is not my thing to start a conversation with someone (I don't know but I get freaked out a lot). But lately, I realised that it is neither the start nor the finishing that matters to me. But the in-betweens. Like even if I don't initiate a talk and someone else does, I find it hard to keep up with that person. They may casually be chit-chatting with me. But I would look like a doofus dummy. While the other person talks, I do mostly the bare minimums like smiling, nodding, grunting, and humming ( why did I even put grunting here?) Giving them all the indirect signals that "I am sorry, but I can't take this anymore. Please leave me".
Once I had a talk with the nicest dude I have come across so far. Well, The nicest and he was good-looking too. Initially, we had this awkward eye contact with each other. Because none of us neither spoke nor greeted each other. From that, I thought " he is also a struggler like me". But as time went on, that dude started looking so chilled out. After we had food, we went for a walk. We walked in pairs. So apparently I looked like I was walking alone ( which indeed was). And the boy started noticing that as well. So he slowed down his walk and accompanied me.
He confirmed whether my name is real and went on asking about my favourite TV shows and all. That conversation was simply the simplest which I can answer without even fluttering.
From his side, he was trying every possible way to make me a part of the "pack". ( he might have thought that I was feeling left out). He was so attentive. At some point, he even calmed me down. He would constantly check on me and make sure I was safe. For I was walking with my head down and missing out on all the safest sides of the road. So he was kinda making sure that I wouldn't injure myself. Overall he was kind and sweet.
Besides, at every minute, he made sure that I have a mouth. So I may speak. Every time he walked beside me, or came closer to me, my heart would skip a beat. In this case, it felt like my heart skipped millions of beats. Not because I was falling for him, but because I was feeling anxious to respond. Speaking has always been hard for me. More frequently, I prefer to stay quiet. Also talking to someone new is way out of my reality. However, I spoke back.
Nonetheless, it all sounded so artificial. Because I was panicking inside. Every time he comes closer, my inner monologue would pray to God like "Bhagavan, tell him to speed up his pace. I prefer to walk alone. Please, please and a thousand pleases". I know I would be resented for being so nervous about these little things. But that is who I am. Nervousness comes off so easily whereas easiness comes over as hard-earned money. Such is my vibe. (Probably makes sense why I have been single like forever). He was being so nice to me and I could have easily talked to him. But I failed miserably.
At this point, I don't think I should be invited on dates. Since I might end up making the whole surrounding an uncomfortable mess. At first, I didn't feel anything bad about not conversing with people. Because I was fine with it. But now, the thought of not being able to have a comfortable talk while going for a walk or having a cup of chai with interesting personalities is killing me.
My 24 years of life turn to have become so monotonous ( been a failure to keep up with my barely 5 or 6 friends. Not going out, making new friends. Wait. Making new friends? What am I? A kinder garden kid?) And meeting new People comes at the cost of producing some panicky sweats and thirst.
While I was talking to the boy, I wanted to pee. Not because he was talking, I had a heavy bladder beforehand. But to make it worse, I drank a whole new bottle of water just to hide my awkwardness. After struggling to talk on and off for a straight half an hour, the day finally came to an end. I feel sorry for him and bad for myself for not reciprocating his efforts.
Another random midnight thought I remember vividly is that once I had a 3-day stay at my cousin's house. Those days were lit. I and my cousin partnered up in a "who can lay the longest in bed competition" unless her husband forces us to get ready and hang out. I had some happy days there. When my time to leave for home was up, I booked my ticket. It was my first time booking online. And I was happy that I did. Even though there occurred some doubts, I finally succeeded. My train schedule was one day later. Its arrival time was 12. 45 ( written as 00:45).
When the D- day arrived, I was mentally getting ready to leave. Suddenly, my sister asked me to check the status of the train. I checked and it showed the train had reached my destination long ago. In a nutshell, I missed the train. It was the midnight train. And I misunderstood it as the noon train. FML.
I am not sad or anything. I am just disappointed. I can't create anything extraordinary in my life with this attitude. Oh dear God, I hate saying "gotta live with it".
So what I am trying to say is that I am really bad at making the best impressions. I barely impress myself. So... Excuse me.
Like every time I go out, the famous saying comes into play " njan njanalladhe akum" (I'd rather not be myself than just have trouble speaking). So if I hurt or insult anybody in anyways, I am sorry. I didn't mean it.
