Do you know what it’s like to be me?
Do you know?
You guys poke at me
Analyze me, label me
But do you really know what it feels like to be me
You try not to notice how people look at you
The way they talk to you
Pretend that you don’t know that they are afraid of you
Pretend you don’t care what they say behind your back
“Is she drunk?”
“Is she on drugs?”
“Nah, she’s just crazy”
I’m constantly at a war
With the world and myself
Most days I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel
And my feet are tired from running
But my mind won’t let me stop
I want to stop running
I want to kill the voices in my head
I want to stop hurting
And for you guys the answer is simple
“Take your meds,
Numb the pain,
Sleep through the pain,
Take your meds”
But the pain never leaves me
My sickness only feeds the pain
They don’t set me free
None of this sets me free
And I feared that he would leave me
If he saw what I was
Who I really was
That he’d leave the way papa did
The way my friends did
All of them
And so I just faked a new life
Telling myself I was okay
I had to be so he wouldn’t see
And little by little he kept noticing
Asking me what was wrong
I gave a thousand excuses
Even said I was pregnant once
If he knew, he’d leave
Yes, he’s my husband but still
Dad left me and didn’t care
Called me crazy with no fear
I’m not crazy
Am I?
I couldn’t tame myself anymore
I began to lose it
I looked him in the eye and said he was going to kill me
It looked like he was
He was asking too many questions
And I was running out of lies to tell
My brain overloaded
I called the cops on him
Momma said it was okay
That I was better without him
But I was losing my sane
That voice kept calling me
Told me it was okay to die
Everyone would be better if I did
This illness you see is more than it seems
So I dipped myself in my bathtub
Fully submerged by the water
I was ready to let go
Mother would be free of stressing over me
My husband would find a much better woman that deserves his love
But momma came in time and pulled me out
I cried for her to let me go
She grabbed me
Said she’d never let me go
Please let me go….
Sooner, I heard my husband was looking for me
Worried about me
“He hates me”, I said to myself
How could he not?
Who would love a mentally disabled person?
Even you won’t, I know
I decided to drop a letter another day
Left it in mama’s room
Took my keys and drove off
I was determined to leave
I just had too
It was the only way everyone would have peace
I made the right choice, right?
I sat in my car about to drive down a hill
Took a deep breath and prayed my last
As I moved, he jumped right in front of the car
How did he even find me?
Mother must’ve found my letter early
And yes, he, my husband
He jumped and said,
“No, no!
Wait, wait!
I know you think this is the answer, I know
But just look at me, look at me please
I know you think this is gonna make everyone feel better
But you’re wrong”
I could see the tears in his eyes
Yet still I said,
"Go away”
Turning the engine on again
“Just listen”, he said
“I’ve got big plans for us
I see us growing old together with children and grandchildren
I see you in my life!”
He doesn’t get it
I’m schizophrenic bipolar
How could he want me?
"You don’t understand”, I said to him
He cut me straight away,
"You think I’m gonna leave you?
I’m not!
After everything I’m here!
I’m here!
And God knows you’ve given me every opportunity to run but I’m not running
I’m here!”
After he said those words, he opened the door and got in
Put his seatbelt on and said he wasn’t going to leave
“Get off”, I told him
He said no
We battled this through for like a minute
He was so fervent
“You never give up, do you?”, I said to him
“No, not on you”, He replied as I turned the engine off and began to weep
He hugged me tighter and said three words
“I Love You”
After six months, I was getting better
I had stood on every platform I could to talk about this disease
And my husband with me
As for him, I will never understand why he stayed
Why he fought for me
But he did
And now I know that I deserve him
I deserve to be loved,
To be happy,
To be healthy,
And to live a life free of judgement
I held his hands with joy as we both placed it on my tummy
Where our beautiful baby was
I may not be there yet
But I know I’m better than before
And I finally with that,
I can be free


Mental illness is a serious disease
Reach out to save a life
Inspiration gotten from the movie: The Secret She Kept

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