That was a Dark Midnight. After that night with all the sacred ceremonies, there was a late night photoshoot. Photoshoot that busted out the romantic mood. And thereby each and every move was done as per dictated and not by her inner purpose. Mrs. Ray had done it all as it all said to be done. Nothing more serious than her life which was going to be. Nothing was clear and no dear one was near and none was mere familiar except a man who caught her hand with a promise. Her spectacles were missing. No clarity in her eyesight. No clarity in her mind-set. She doesn't know what to speak and with whom to start. All that she could see was only her man who caught her hand with a trust.
She then entered a car with that man who was said to be her husband. Entered a house where a dumb mother in law waiting to give a silent welcome with a grim face with others standing out. Many of them were well familiar to him but not to her. And 'tis damn sure it would take a lot of time to befriend all of them.
Yet that was not possible with a grim faced dissatisfied rich money -minded mother in law, Mrs. Right. And assuredly it was she who didn't even give her a second free to phone both her parents and her in laws. Yet her sensitive heart broke when she was mercilessly tried by her in law blaming her less communication with her so-called husband's kith and kins. There she understood that she was not liked by them all. Her husband? Yes. He too. He didn't speak anything righteous on her behalf. She understood then that - men are satisfied with their wife's pleasure and not with their emotions. They speak well at night and nothing in their deed at day.
After this great and righteous understanding lit her ignorant mind, she dreamt of her divorce. But it was a Pending Decision. She saved her husband's name as Mr. Ray Because she knew that she couldn't rely on him for a better change. 'Yes. He is just a human not a God. Expecting from him won't be righteous. What will he do? Poor man', she comprehended.
"Divorce? oh no. It will make me a burden to others and even to myself and to the baby growing in my womb. No. I won't. I will remain in my patience and perseverance. A time will come when everyone will give me a worthful 'well-done certifying word".
That was her decision taken between the chaotic choices. And everything went more worse for her with more tears and prayers. After her delivery of a girl child she had to face even more risks intact tortures wherein she was forced to do works which she had done with her shaking anaemic physic. Time ran too slow for her. Desired her death. Sick psyche. Request from her husband was to wait and adjust. 'Divorce?' It's a pending decision.
After some nights of terrible still sighing and tears with painful fears, she had a relief. Her poor husband gained some humanity then. Left to her mother's house.
She was afraid even to speak to her mother in law through phone. Infact she was afraid that she would be called sooner before her body gets to a state said to be better.
There were clashes within her inner woman over her past, present and future. She called that situation as 'Wrongwoods'. 'Yes. I was missing in the wrong forest searching my right destination. I call it as wrongwoods.' That was her thought.
There in a simple light coloured Saree stood Mrs. Ray at the entrance of her beloved house with her loved ones facing westward waiting to say good bye. That was not new to her. Yet Mrs. Ray’s eyes clouded with tears. She just asked herself whether to let her tears wash her brown cheeks. Yet her sensitive heart answered, “Don’t". "What? To be open or to be shut? Haven't I the rights to let my fears known to my dear ones? By letting my tears out and to be stopped at least by their sympathetic looks? Of course not. Sympathetic looks? Oh! No. They can merely cast on me the beam of their pains that can't be unmounted from their hearts" - her mind blown with these thoughts. She turned around. Her spectacled eyes saw the gentleman of good height than of hers, of good physic than of hers, waiting to take her with him to the house which for her was haunted and for him joyous. Her voice sank into her vocal cords. No more her voice but more of noise for her awaiting.
Conquering her tears she slowly got into the car taking her seat beside him with all her things kept packed. That one was not her first exploration. She had already made it twice to the same house since married to him. So she knew nothing was new ahead. Everything would be routine and boredom. With those dancing fire on the stove, boxing spoons and vessels, boiling rice and frying meats she needs to stand for hours, run to and fro in and out of the kitchen to pick and drop. She would be thirsty to wind up everything and spare some time to mind her new creations. Still for her it was like casting a net on the shore for fishing. That was not unknown to her. Yet she chose to follow the same way.
No words volunteered from her on her journey. Just one word answers for every questions they asked. Hid her pains with a simple smile at the end of every answers. That May be because of her understanding about the Good male in every family. Good male? Yes. Good male. Good male with words of politeness, acts of kindness but with the lack of knowledge how to quit his wife who's of poor strength. She then started to speak to her heart.
"Whom to blame? None but myself. Being born in a family that roared the slogan ,"finger on your lips!", I am powerful in words but not in voice. Financial wreckage! Yet, gave us good education and not good health. Even then I managed to support my father the sole breadwinner by working in a respectable position. I already told my parents about my disinterest in married life. Yet they willingly washed my brain. Oh! No! They are not blameworthy. I must have stood firm. Poor souls! They had to do something better before the society's envious eyes. Oh! My backbone! It hurts a lot. No wonder. It has been inherited from my school days. May be because of been ladened with the heavy mass of books. With this poor irreparable damage in my health I can only take care of myself with my slow and steady working. But with This! I got a daughter too in C-section. O my God! How am I going to handle it? Who will be patience with my tortoise-work. Poor soul! My husband! How is he gonna bear with me? I don't know. Uh....!" exhausted she gave up a deep sigh. And then a solution for all problems peeped out from her heart's word memories, a word starting with D. D? Yes. D for Divorce.
"Divorce? Divorce!!" Started pondering over it. "No, I am bothered of my parents. They have a good name in the society. I can't break that with my divorce. Then? Death? No, no. I am terrified of hell. Only one way. I must melt myself like a candle, earn a great sum of money to compensate the dowry for my husband's family and support them. Yet....I couldn't stand for even five minutes on the floor. How can I? O God, is there any sin's curse on me? Please help me purge it away immediately. Or else if your will permits give Mr. Ray a new best wife and take me away from his life. I don't want to be a burden to anyone anymore. Take care of my child. Bless her with my mom, dad and my sister." With those words bubbling in her emotion she gave a break to her mind. Tears were ready to break out. Yet controlled she with her feminine skill by peeping through the car's window. Again continued her sixth sense, “What makes the mothers in law so proud and dominating? What curses the mothers who have begotten only daughters? Has nature forgotten to bless them equally? Is there not an equality in diversity existing?"
Those words sounded loud in her mind like a hammer hitting the nail. Yet her mouth was dumb. Then she pondered over her past. "Poor father! He couldn't afford a sophisticated amount of dowry to his son-in-law. Yet he tried a level best to satisfy those life partners of his dear daughter. Life PARTNERS? Yes life partners--- husband and husband's parents. As a result he was indebted to many. Yet Mr. Ray's family was like a desert drinking the rain. Before our marriage, my husband has insisted his parents not to ask dowry from us. Yet after the wedding, he was mouthless." From the day one after the night she got married to him she volunteered herself to clean the house. Yet she couldn't satisfied her. She was not ignorant of what was happening around her. She couldn't see even a trace of smile on her face. She then quickly read her mind which was expecting the heavy downpour of dowry case. That filled her heart with guilt and made her a puppet blocking the way to use her rights to speak. Then she recalls her mother-in-law throwing those harsh words at her son. As it goes like this resoundingly: 'Let go and buy some vessels. Only then will know how hard it is to get a thing.' "Did she say me to go and buy? Yes. It is she who took me to that market by auto rickshaw wich was clumsy to risk during my pregnancy. She used not hers but that money given by Government for Pongal festival", she recollects. Bombarded with these thoughts her eyes were once again hurrying to shed tears. Control! control! control! said her heart. Controlling them she strived to switch on some other topic. Yet an utter failure. "O My God! My head and chest is aching. May be because of the spontaneous overflow of my painful thoughts. Hum..." Moves her hand towards her forehead to gently rub it with her fingers. But then alertly draws it back just touching her forehead. That may be because she doesn't want to invite any unexpected questions from her husband. Yes. She was not in a mood to hear any of his empty words showing care on her. Poor young woman succumbed to her nostalgia. "What a wonderful experience is the life of being a single. So peaceful, though not always. Married? And...as a wife? Uh....! No more peace of mind. Even if it is, it lasts just for a piece of time. Peace broken into pieces. I feel am so indebted to those people. Ah....I must make it clear that 'those people' in the sense I mean those 'life PARTNERS'. Her words like arrows stitched in my heart. Oh! What words! What words! How powerfully reiterating in me: 'What have your Amma and Appa made and put for my son? Have they bought her somewhere else or gave birth?' - (question thrown at my husband in the presence of me and my mom). 'I don't like acting. I will speak out what ever is in my heart.' She said this to us. Once before this had happened she asked me: 'You would have phoned to your mother many times, right? Will your father give you some money now if he has or if not by getting loan from somebody else? Can't they give vessels at least to cook and plates to eat? They have not given those things. If they have given on your marriage, it would have been so honourable before the eyes of our kiths and kins.' The answer to my first question is 'No', because she doesn't leave me alone or workless at least for a minute to communicate with my parents and she was not happy if I speak to my parents over phone when they phone me. Even an ancient woman would have communicated with her parents through the traders who would cross the residential area of her parents, even in those days having less facilities to transport or to communicate. 'Why have you bought those household things now? What am I gonna do with all these things of mine? Everything your daughter's gonna rule over. How can you ask me to send your daughter, now, for her delivery? It is our commodity. I will take care of her.'- (told to my dad during my pregnancy)." "Well! Well! Took care of me well - (said her soul sarcastically). But not like my mom. She dictated me some works to do...non-stop....without a minute to sit. Good leadership she has but lacks the essence of love. Work. Then eating. Work. Then eating. I stole Time to sit in their bathroom. Thank God! That was spacious even to lie down for few seconds. But....only for few seconds. May be that would have caused the umbilical cord to cling around my baby's neck which had stopped the movement of the baby during my delivery. I have stolen some extra seconds to sit while eating. Few minutes to take rest at night. Yet disturbed by husband's arrival. Then, in his bedroom, a long sleepless night because of vomiting in the teething semester of pregnancy. My sleep rises with the rising of the sun because of morning sickness. But kitchen calls me for my duty. No happiness will be seen on her face. That will make me lose courage to tell her how I feel. More of stress leading to my anaemia and blood transformation. May be that would have scared her. She gave me some time to take rest after the noon. Yet, heart beating faster than ever before with fear and agony longing for my mom's lap to lie on." She recollects the memory of her lying her head on her mom's lap after reaching home from college. Then again she continues speaking to her heart. "Fears were haunting me in that time of rest after noon. Will she call me now and give some work to do? Will she scold me if I am fell asleep for a long time? Oh! That's easy. I have kept the alarm on in my phone? But.... will she be doing any work now downstairs? Let me go and hide and see whether she fell asleep or not? If she works I must go and help. If not it will become a case. Panting for breath climbing down the stairs. As a result no rest for physic! no peace for psyche! Ultimately walking like a corpse without even having strength to take a breath to speak. Her outward kindness is excellent. This may be because of her love for her son and her grand child. Taking me for a regular check up, telling me to take food at right time, giving me time to bathe, to combe my hair, and talking good of me to others before my eyes. Giving food to my parents when they come to see me. Yet not greeting with a smile. Not speaking to them happily. Thiravalluvar had flowered some honest words beautifully, right? Ah.....yes. That one: 'Speaking harsh words hiding the sweet ones is likened to eating the bitter ones while the sweet fruits are.' - Kural:100
Now I remember some worth saying proverbs by King Solomon: 'Better is dry morsel, and quietness therewith, than an house full of sacrifices with strife.' - Proverbs 17:1
'It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.' - Proverbs 21:9
'It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.'
- Proverbs 21:19
If I give her the eatables brought by my mom, she would turn her face aside and murmur, ‘I don't need'. So I would hesitate to give her the next time and I would give those eatables to father-in-law in her absence. Sometimes he would say, ' Don't need. I have cold.' But she made a complaint to one of her daughters blaming, ' she doesn't give anything from the eatables her parents have bought.' Then the sister-in-law scolded me and became the next character to make me cry. Once she asked such things, right? Yeah. I remember. I remember. She asked me, 'Why are you so silent? Why don't you speak freely? My brother got loan for marriage thinking that you will go for job and he can close those debts. But you haven't.....' Yes. I haven't. I know it is impossible to go for a job when I am working at home at this mother-in-law's custody, in this time of pregnancy. Getting pregnant is not my fault. It is her brother who said me, 'will they say something wrong if you don't beget a child?' So I thought that would change her. But then I knew that it is very hard to satisfy a mother-in-law who considers dowry as the capital investment for a business product called Daughter-in-law. Having these many regrets how can I act by speaking well? Yet I tried to speak well to please them. She said me the day before I arrived to my parent's house for post natal care,' whatever it may be I am your amma and he is your appa and this is your house.' She told that after a long time since I've got married. She may have told that because of her fear of losing me, a woman of patience and tolerance. She sent me with my dad to my dad's house saying, 'why should I get a bad name? I shouldn't. That's why I send you.' It doesn't mean that I don't have answers for all her questions. I just don't wanna get things worse and become a headache to my parents. I know how hard they strived to bring me and my sister up.
Let's come to the point. She asked me, 'What have your mom and dad made and put for my son?' Yes. I do have answer. They made and given me as a woman for his happiness. They have gifted furniture, bed room items and few vessels that are necessary other than what they had had already. And gave money for my delivery which was taken care in a G.H. for free of cost. Used to give me money at their every visit which I would use it for buying vegetables in the market. They are no less in humanity. My dad came to visit my husband's father when he was sick and helped with money. I tried to save money to give my in- laws' children when they meet us. Our hearts of giving may be hid now but I am sure people will come to know that one day. I don't like mentioning my good deeds. Yet I am human being. I don't know another way to advocate my case. Tell me now O Indians, joint family lovers. Who has to be proud? Parents begotten Daughters or parents begotten sons? Who?"
She comes to the present moment as she reaches her mother-in-law's house. Panicking she got down from the car. Nervously entering into their house. Fearfully watching those two old people. "Will she receive me with a smile? Or else will she respond good if I smile at her? Uh.... no doubt. She won't. She may receive her grand daughter gladly. She has already said that it is her family commodity." Tries to remember something. "Ah.....now I remember what she said, 'I must ask your mom - why have your daughter given birth to a girl baby to my son? It's O.K. First child must be a girl. It is gold.' I don't know what if I beget the second one as a girl. I think it will be a silver." Sarcastically moves her lips to laugh but controls giving a quick glance at her husband. Yes my mom said to my husband that she thought it would be a male child. She said it because she felt that if her daughter begets a male child her mother-in-law will be pleased with her. She didn't question my husband."
After a long time she is on the ball. "Uh..... what? I didn't sleep still? Where is the car? My husband? O My God. I just lied down to sleep. But....... Hu.... what a haunted memories of her! I had entered that wrong woods where lambs roar like lions. Haunted memory causes haunted reveries. Mmm. Let me rise up and do some work. Ah... feeling so relaxed as if someone has helped me to bring my burdens down from my back. It would be better if I make them more clear in letters. Hmmm......time's up. I will be still to remain in silence and wait with patience like a crane speculating for a better catch. Then she will not be a hindrance for me to demonstrate for her the true love. Then she'll know that true love never vests in money but in humanity. Let me wait and see as my husband had said, 'she will change as time goes by as she is aging".
She moves towards her mother's kitchen briskly after an ample time of rest. At last she felt relieved from her depression after having poured it out in letters.
Half of the year had run fast for her. And that was her time to fight back her fears. Christmas celebration was spent with sorrows in her hometown. 'Now I have to move. I have to exercise that Reunion Theme in my life.'
With that thought she moved on.
She took a further step on that Christmas Day. She really took a giant step further. She left her backsliding mood.
- to be continued
© gladis