The Amusingly Overblown Saga of 1 Kings, Chapter 18: A Melodramatic Retelling of Yahweh's Alleged Rainmaking Boast and the Subsequent Hoedown on Mount Carmel

In the much-ballyhooed scroll of 1 Kings, during the third year of a drought so severe it could make even the Sahara weep with envy, the LORD, in His infinite capriciousness and unpredictable schedule, decided it was high time to chat with the ever-so-important prophet Elijah. "Look here, old chap," He supposedly boomed, "It's high noon for you to waltz into Ahab's neck of the woods and show off My divine plumbing skills by making it rain buckets."

Thus, with the enthusiasm of a man who'd just got a direct text from the Big Boss of the Cosmos, Elijah trotted off to the royal shindig in Samaria, the capital of Ahab's rather sad little kingdom. As he stumbled into the city, he couldn't help but snicker at the stark contrast between the wasteland outside the gates and the king's over-the-top crib. The drought had turned the countryside into a salty cracker, and the cattle were dropping like flies, yet Ahab's table looked like a Vegas buffet, minus the all-you-can-eat shrimp, because apparently, the Almighty had better catering plans for him.

Once he got near the palace, Elijah bumped into Obadiah, the king's steward and the kind of guy who'd hide a hundred prophets in a broom closet if it meant keeping them safe from the queen's fanatical purges. This dude had more on his plate than a Thanksgiving Day parade, trying to find greens for the royal menagerie while everyone else was chewing on their own sandals.

The Chit-chat with the King's Sidekick

So, Obadiah's out there, basically playing Where's Waldo with edible plants, when who should pop up but Elijah, the prophet that Ahab had been searching for with the dedication of a teenager looking for Wi-Fi. Obadiah hits the dirt like he's been tackled by a...