Last time we stopped at the part where I packed my bags to home. Somewhere between the struggles to build a life in an alien land and fears of being left alone during the struggles, the decision to take a break has given me a little life after 6 months. Though the 10-hour flight journey was a complete wreck and took forever to touch the homeland, the thought of seeing everything and everyone close to me in flesh and blood has given me a relief. I remember running towards my sister and brother with my eyes wide open and I remember how beautifully it was raining (except that it was flooding many parts of the state and creating havoc) as if the nature was welcoming me with the weather I have always loved to enjoy.

I had exactly 12 days in my happy place and I had most of the things planned. The entire plan and visit itself was a surprise to the whole group of people involved in the plan (other than two of my best people, well cousins actually). I have always loved surprises, the glow you see in the faces of people you love hits different when they are given surprises. It has always been a love language of mine and I wanted to see their happy and shining faces. The surprise visit started from my aunt's office and ended in my close friend's home.

During the surprise visits I have made, I have seen many faces with different emotions. Some of them were very expected and honestly I couldn't digest some of the reactions as well. I saw happy faces, sparkling faces, confused faces, why on earth she is here faces, what the hell she is doing here faces and many more. But I actually tried to live in those moments because I was dead inside for months. I was seeking life, clarity, peace, and many more things I have lost for a long time. At those moments, all I cared was to help my brain to function properly and my mind to stay in place. I remember sleeping peacefully in my room, on my bed, with my favourite pajamas and blankets on. I have never been comfortable anywhere else. I was home and I wanted myself to realize that I'm home and everything is gonna be alright.

I remember each and everyday in my place, from day 1 to 12. Each day was different, very very different in all possible ways. I barely got a couple of days at home and I was traveling to here and there most of the days but I enjoyed every second of them. Some of the days were bad, really sad, filled with anxiety, confusion and other irrelevant emotions (was definitely relevant at those days) but some days were just beautiful, happy, and funny. Like someone said, every coin has two sides and it's the same in our life too. The saddest part is that I had to leave many things behind forever (trust me that did hurt a lot and wasn't even in my whole life plan). The best and happiest part is that I got what I was actually seeking for, which I had no clue until coming back and spending another few days in London (come on, I'm not talking about people or things I have missed on). I got the peace I was searching for, the clarity I needed in many things. I started talking to the people around, I got my sleep schedule back on track, I started cooking and eating properly, I started buying things for me, I started calling my people whom I have ignored for months. Despite every difficulty I had gone through, I got this feeling that somewhere something has already started getting better and eventually I started feeling myself AGAIN.

All these things didn't started showing up in a single day, it took me days to figure out what had actually happened. I was always shutting myself in a room for no sensible reason (and it's okay if the reason isn't sensible because life isn't sensible always). I'm not saying I have become the strongest woman living abroad (okay that really sound 'ha ha' in my head too😂) but I have definitely got better after the break I took. And it is not just a 'me journey',  I owe this entire journey to many people who have always been in my life till this point and to the newly added ones too.

© athmasakhi