She sent me a link and the first words I read cut deep into my soul! It was so deep, that hole, I saw my own emptiness, all this while, I was never whole.

I've gotten used to doing life this way, simply taking what life threw at me believing that "what will be, will be, and that if it was mine, then it had to find me". Imagine my shock when the man I thought loved me as I him, moved on and had another family. Imagine me trying to love again only to be the recipient of emotional blackmail, gaslighting and verbal abuse that broke my spirit, shattered my soul and left me in cold murkiness, gradually slipping into nothingness.

I'm afraid this is not a happy story. One where you'd laugh and call me everything from talented to authentic.

I am tired of fighting, of trying. I just want softness. Everybody praises me for my strength, my ability to make a decision and put plans to action. They say "you are such a strong woman, you are ready to invest in another business, forgive that deep hurt", or "Oh I'm so happy you found the strength to love again and look at how you give your entire being"

As if being strong was all I came into the world to be... "scoffs"

I've always hoped that the fighter would give way and make room for ease, laughter, and softness. But you see, the fighter is gone now, not voluntarily. I didn’t choose to not fight this time. I lost, in the middle of my fighting I searched for strength and found none within. I searched for strength around me and found none. In my aloneness, I sought rest, that my empty reserve might be full when I awaken, but it didn’t, and the emptiness has traveled through my being, welcoming a new kind of numbness.

Yet, I want to feel. perhaps this awakening is to accept that amongst other things that I am, I am weak. I am not only the girl who tells controversial stories or makes you laugh at her ability to laugh at herself. I am not only the strong friend who carries the weight of the group spiritually and emotionally and sacrifices sleep till they're all laughing. I am not only an independent, strong black woman.

I am weak
I am alone
I am tired

She asked me what my resolve was, the way forward. I haven't told her because I couldn't think up anything constructive or logical. Perhaps this would be it, to accept that;

I do not have the strength to be strong today.

This is my resolve!

© yelaere