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a confession worth saying
I know this hurts. I know your heart feels both numb and missing and free at the same time, and you are confused as to how that is possible. So while I collect the tiny pieces of that heart, ( it will take years ) let me tell you this special story in my mind. It was always there, in your eyes. My favorite story, and adventure. It was more than how they sparkled, or even reflected myself in them so comfortably. It was how you averted them to the ground, almost as if to say "don't look too long. It's bad for you." Each time you looked a little longer, each time you held your head in confidence, I couldn't help but crash into you. I remember the small things so clearly. The tiny touches and shy exchanges. It was like finding my way back home. You know, that excited feeling after being away to come back to your bed, to be in your own space, where it's ok to be exactly who you are and safe. You felt just like that. So it was, that all of me was to be obliterated. I was to be torn open and exsposed to a reality that is only read in news papers and you shudder and think "how awful, I can't imagine that."
I became that story. It gnawed at you. It tugged every single fiber of your soul, because I would never say "I need help, I'm so scared" out loud. But you saw it in my eyes. Reached for me with your hands and did not want to let me go.
I was marinating in feelings that I could not believe. I was being chipped away to nothing and couldn't stop it. You threw yourself into that darkness and ran with me. We ran and ran and ran. You wanted me to be back in the light. So, I remember every single word. Every single butterfly, every single desire that burned like a wild fire, every single late night dialogue. I was safe within the confines of your heart, because you made it so. I want you to understand, I remember every kiss. Every, single one. I remember because the closeness reminded me to keep moving forward in the dark.i remember How the first one took hours to happen and it was such a nervous yet thrilling moment. A forbidden moment, but one that said we were both still infact very alive. The second kiss, in the parking lot on your break. You asked if you could, and I couldn't think of anything more I wanted. I remember the third, the look you gave me, the fourth how you played with my hair, the fifth was the movie, that I have yet to actually finish. Each one, mapped out a story in the stars, and built a home in my soul. The ones where you wiped my tears and felt my heartbeat erupt, because you took all my pain from my lips to yours. This is our story, and I remember it all.
But the kisses I frequent the most, are the main reason I'm even writing this. The little getaway house. After the host left, and we stood in the kitchen, never before had I seen your eyes so light and so free. I asked if you were happy, and your voice shook a tiny bit, you smiled so warmly and offered a sweet blushed laugh and said yes. Then kissed me so softly. I promised to myself, that I would wait for the timing to be right, and fair and guilt free to make you feel that way again. Because it was in that very second, that I realized you were my core reason for fighting and loving myself. People, loved you. Wanted you, craved you. All the while, they never took the time to SEE you. I wanted to see you in ever light and every shade and every color that you are. The next kiss, was the night I left. We had no way of knowing what the future had in store. You gave me a hoodie, so I could hug you when ever I needed ( I slept with it that night ) you put your hands so gently and without a sound to my face, pulled me close and kissed my forehead. I fought to hold in tears. That was the first time in my entire life, that I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be. Even now, as I write this, tears sting my eyes because I had to leave and I didn't want to.
You know the events that occurred after. You know about the shift that took place. Dreams faded, walls were built, feelings halted, and fear bit our cores and took forever to chew and swallow. This is the most important thing I may ever say to you, and it's something I lock away to keep safe. I don't care that it wasn't me who you kissed. I don't care that it wasn't me who filled in the gaps of things your heart needed. But, i do care. That I wasn't strong enough at times, that I wasn't smart enough at times, to protect what it was we built. So I've kept all this safe. Id never let it go. I love you. Not for your body, or the kisses we shared. Not for the way you held me or shared your secrets. ( That's a different kind of love )
No, I mean. I love you. For how your anxiety can cripple you, for how impulsive you can be. I love all the things about you that you cannot stand about yourself. Because you are real to me.
I know this hurts. But I want you to wear the hurt like a fucking crown. It will pass. You will grow new roots, you will bloom into a new you, and as I hand you the last piece of your heart to stitch back in place, I want you to understand that you, are my home. You are my inspiration for living this beautiful, hard life. You are my thoughts at 4 am and the laughter that always comes from my lips, you are the adventure I cannot wait to explore. You are, and always will be YOU, and I know these are just words. So poetic and romantic, but the intention is not to sweep you off your feet. No, I just want you to know that I mean all of these things and you're so much more to me than moments and words. You're more to me than even what love can define. Because you are to never be defined, never to be caged and never again, if I can help it, to be made to think a broken heart is what you deserve. To me, you are every second of all of these moments that reveals the softest version of your soul.
You, my ever changing moon will always go through your phases every single month. No matter how full you are, I the wolf will always howl and admire that you exist. My god. That is the most extrodinary thing in this entire universe. That you are here and so am i.
So why say all of this? To remind you that I am honored to be in your life. To remind you that you are enough, and worthy of the love you want. To remind you to never let the world harden you too much, to remind you that you're not alone. To remind you that despite all of my feelings, I wish for you to keep your wings and be as free as you wish to be. To remind you that even if you don't think so, you're so god damn important to this world.
© Aren
I became that story. It gnawed at you. It tugged every single fiber of your soul, because I would never say "I need help, I'm so scared" out loud. But you saw it in my eyes. Reached for me with your hands and did not want to let me go.
I was marinating in feelings that I could not believe. I was being chipped away to nothing and couldn't stop it. You threw yourself into that darkness and ran with me. We ran and ran and ran. You wanted me to be back in the light. So, I remember every single word. Every single butterfly, every single desire that burned like a wild fire, every single late night dialogue. I was safe within the confines of your heart, because you made it so. I want you to understand, I remember every kiss. Every, single one. I remember because the closeness reminded me to keep moving forward in the dark.i remember How the first one took hours to happen and it was such a nervous yet thrilling moment. A forbidden moment, but one that said we were both still infact very alive. The second kiss, in the parking lot on your break. You asked if you could, and I couldn't think of anything more I wanted. I remember the third, the look you gave me, the fourth how you played with my hair, the fifth was the movie, that I have yet to actually finish. Each one, mapped out a story in the stars, and built a home in my soul. The ones where you wiped my tears and felt my heartbeat erupt, because you took all my pain from my lips to yours. This is our story, and I remember it all.
But the kisses I frequent the most, are the main reason I'm even writing this. The little getaway house. After the host left, and we stood in the kitchen, never before had I seen your eyes so light and so free. I asked if you were happy, and your voice shook a tiny bit, you smiled so warmly and offered a sweet blushed laugh and said yes. Then kissed me so softly. I promised to myself, that I would wait for the timing to be right, and fair and guilt free to make you feel that way again. Because it was in that very second, that I realized you were my core reason for fighting and loving myself. People, loved you. Wanted you, craved you. All the while, they never took the time to SEE you. I wanted to see you in ever light and every shade and every color that you are. The next kiss, was the night I left. We had no way of knowing what the future had in store. You gave me a hoodie, so I could hug you when ever I needed ( I slept with it that night ) you put your hands so gently and without a sound to my face, pulled me close and kissed my forehead. I fought to hold in tears. That was the first time in my entire life, that I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be. Even now, as I write this, tears sting my eyes because I had to leave and I didn't want to.
You know the events that occurred after. You know about the shift that took place. Dreams faded, walls were built, feelings halted, and fear bit our cores and took forever to chew and swallow. This is the most important thing I may ever say to you, and it's something I lock away to keep safe. I don't care that it wasn't me who you kissed. I don't care that it wasn't me who filled in the gaps of things your heart needed. But, i do care. That I wasn't strong enough at times, that I wasn't smart enough at times, to protect what it was we built. So I've kept all this safe. Id never let it go. I love you. Not for your body, or the kisses we shared. Not for the way you held me or shared your secrets. ( That's a different kind of love )
No, I mean. I love you. For how your anxiety can cripple you, for how impulsive you can be. I love all the things about you that you cannot stand about yourself. Because you are real to me.
I know this hurts. But I want you to wear the hurt like a fucking crown. It will pass. You will grow new roots, you will bloom into a new you, and as I hand you the last piece of your heart to stitch back in place, I want you to understand that you, are my home. You are my inspiration for living this beautiful, hard life. You are my thoughts at 4 am and the laughter that always comes from my lips, you are the adventure I cannot wait to explore. You are, and always will be YOU, and I know these are just words. So poetic and romantic, but the intention is not to sweep you off your feet. No, I just want you to know that I mean all of these things and you're so much more to me than moments and words. You're more to me than even what love can define. Because you are to never be defined, never to be caged and never again, if I can help it, to be made to think a broken heart is what you deserve. To me, you are every second of all of these moments that reveals the softest version of your soul.
You, my ever changing moon will always go through your phases every single month. No matter how full you are, I the wolf will always howl and admire that you exist. My god. That is the most extrodinary thing in this entire universe. That you are here and so am i.
So why say all of this? To remind you that I am honored to be in your life. To remind you that you are enough, and worthy of the love you want. To remind you to never let the world harden you too much, to remind you that you're not alone. To remind you that despite all of my feelings, I wish for you to keep your wings and be as free as you wish to be. To remind you that even if you don't think so, you're so god damn important to this world.
© Aren
