You could ask me how I'm doing today and I would tell you "I'm fine" without skipping a beat. I would smile and change the subject really damn smooth... You wouldn't notice, because "I'm fine" and I even confirmed it with a big smile on my face. So why would you doubt that? Why would you ask me what "fine" means? Of course I wouldn't tell you... but my "fine" means that I'm currently not crying on the hard floor while desperately trying to catch my breath... "fine" means that I'm currently not stuck in a dark room because the light wouldn't be able to show me that I'm not a wreck and a useless person... the darkness just confirms what my mind is already telling me. "Fine" mean that you won't ask questions that I don't want to answer... questions I don't even know the answer to myself...

"I'm fine" has so many meanings behind it and when you're stuck in your own mind, in your depression then nothing is ever fine.. nothing is ever good... the only time it may be, is when you're lying to yourself. It's so damn hurtful but what can you do? You don't want to be this sad friend, that is struggling with her life... you want to be that girl you know you could be... the one that lives and is happy about it. But there is no easy way to get there as I've realized.

Honestly it's kind of a useless question... asking a depressed person how they're doing. Of course it's out of worry, out of kindness and love. But would you honestly believe that I am if you really knew me? Can't you see my dull eyes or my damned dying soul? Or am I really the only one who can see that?

Smiling... it takes so much effort, so much of my strength... You wouldn't believe how much I hate it, that smile that tells a story that's made up of lies just to be able to escape for a short while. It's strange, it feels off but I always get a smile in return and my "I'm fine" is accepted...

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