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The Emotional Crutch.
Frances could feel herself changing and needing more assistance with this unbelievably and most emotional bizarre change that she was going through.
As her neurological self, her physical self and her emotional self were all taking long rides on a carousel and she felt like she just couldn’t step off.
During this time of her life, where she was experiencing such amazingly intensity with each situation through that time. There was only one thing that she could depend on and rely on, that wouldn’t question her or argue back to her.
Except it was more like a major binge experience each time, depending on her moods to how she was feeling at that time. The lowest point was one evening, when she had drunk nearly three full bodied bottles of red wine at 12 % volume to herself, with barely any food in her stomach that day.
While she was extremely overly merry slowly moving into black out mode, she received a message after message to her phone inbox. So without thinking clearly due to the level of alcohol inside her body, she responded.
The message read… “ Have you gone to bed yet? if not I’ll come round and bring some red wine, with me.” Frances really just wanted to sleep it all out of her body, as she was already going through an extremely vulnerable stage at this time of her life and just wanted to rest.
Without thinking clearly, she said “yes pop round if you like.” Before she know it, he was at the door.
She opened the door and he walked in. At first they were just drinking red wine and talking. Then before she knew it, the full body of red wine was empty, just like all the other bottles that she had consumed that same night.
It was just more red wine that Frances, did not need.
Then the unthinkable happened. Frances regretted it as soon as it happened, along side with a heavy feeling of wanting to just throw up all of the red wine that she had drank that evening. The only saving grace to the whole situation was that the lack of penetration, thankfully. So So as bad as those moments were, nothing actually directly happened in the way that she originally thought it had. As he weirdly apologised for not being able to do the deed. Which in Frances eyes, made it worse as it was another memory added to that already horrible evening.
It was a situation that she knew she would never have become a part of, if she hadn’t of consumed all of those bottles of red wine, that evening. As the next several months passed she avoided going round to the house., making a little excuse here and there, to explain why she she wasn’t present. As she still feeling emotionally sick inside, just thinking so emotionally sick about that night.
The flashbacks were like mini nightmares to Frances, they last for a couple of years, slowly fading into a pile of horrible nightmares.
Then gradually, after a time, things started to get on track again with her menopausal situation. As she could feel her hormones and neuros changing, yet again. As the next stage of mother nature’s process, was not so far away. That silver lining through all of these most intense and unpredictable years of life was beginning to show a finishing line. It was a thankful thought that finishing line, that entered her brain.
Everything slowly, began to feel bit better, a step at a time. The blood tests, were still showing that the menopausal stage was within her, so still a little bit in the woods with it.
From time to time, Frances would reflect on that emotional crutch of needing alcohol, that she always gone too. In order to help her forget, about the way Mother Nature was working on her, as her journed through it all, with such intense symptoms that would come her way. From her physical self, from her emotional self to her neurological self.
These days, many years later. At nine years on, into this journey through Mother Nature. Frances, no longer uses that emotional crutch, that alcohol - drug, to help her through times.
Those times, when things felt so much harder to deal with.
Instead, Frances has come through the other side, now in her final stage of it all. Yes, so much happier in herself too. In comparison to have she was 5 or 6 years ago, during those murky times of her life.
Everyone of us deals with things so differently. Hence, different responses to those various situations that appear in life.
All human experiences are not the same. Although, at times a possible feeling of resemblance will appear and that similarity can at times relate to others.
Frances, had always believed that through living and learning , you internally grow as a human being. As life is not made up of perfect situations, far from it. It’s made up of understandings, life - lessons, development and growth. Then we finally become, from all of these things that we come to experience in life, as human beings travelling along, on our own paths.
(06/02/24)
© Josephine Daniels.
As her neurological self, her physical self and her emotional self were all taking long rides on a carousel and she felt like she just couldn’t step off.
During this time of her life, where she was experiencing such amazingly intensity with each situation through that time. There was only one thing that she could depend on and rely on, that wouldn’t question her or argue back to her.
Except it was more like a major binge experience each time, depending on her moods to how she was feeling at that time. The lowest point was one evening, when she had drunk nearly three full bodied bottles of red wine at 12 % volume to herself, with barely any food in her stomach that day.
While she was extremely overly merry slowly moving into black out mode, she received a message after message to her phone inbox. So without thinking clearly due to the level of alcohol inside her body, she responded.
The message read… “ Have you gone to bed yet? if not I’ll come round and bring some red wine, with me.” Frances really just wanted to sleep it all out of her body, as she was already going through an extremely vulnerable stage at this time of her life and just wanted to rest.
Without thinking clearly, she said “yes pop round if you like.” Before she know it, he was at the door.
She opened the door and he walked in. At first they were just drinking red wine and talking. Then before she knew it, the full body of red wine was empty, just like all the other bottles that she had consumed that same night.
It was just more red wine that Frances, did not need.
Then the unthinkable happened. Frances regretted it as soon as it happened, along side with a heavy feeling of wanting to just throw up all of the red wine that she had drank that evening. The only saving grace to the whole situation was that the lack of penetration, thankfully. So So as bad as those moments were, nothing actually directly happened in the way that she originally thought it had. As he weirdly apologised for not being able to do the deed. Which in Frances eyes, made it worse as it was another memory added to that already horrible evening.
It was a situation that she knew she would never have become a part of, if she hadn’t of consumed all of those bottles of red wine, that evening. As the next several months passed she avoided going round to the house., making a little excuse here and there, to explain why she she wasn’t present. As she still feeling emotionally sick inside, just thinking so emotionally sick about that night.
The flashbacks were like mini nightmares to Frances, they last for a couple of years, slowly fading into a pile of horrible nightmares.
Then gradually, after a time, things started to get on track again with her menopausal situation. As she could feel her hormones and neuros changing, yet again. As the next stage of mother nature’s process, was not so far away. That silver lining through all of these most intense and unpredictable years of life was beginning to show a finishing line. It was a thankful thought that finishing line, that entered her brain.
Everything slowly, began to feel bit better, a step at a time. The blood tests, were still showing that the menopausal stage was within her, so still a little bit in the woods with it.
From time to time, Frances would reflect on that emotional crutch of needing alcohol, that she always gone too. In order to help her forget, about the way Mother Nature was working on her, as her journed through it all, with such intense symptoms that would come her way. From her physical self, from her emotional self to her neurological self.
These days, many years later. At nine years on, into this journey through Mother Nature. Frances, no longer uses that emotional crutch, that alcohol - drug, to help her through times.
Those times, when things felt so much harder to deal with.
Instead, Frances has come through the other side, now in her final stage of it all. Yes, so much happier in herself too. In comparison to have she was 5 or 6 years ago, during those murky times of her life.
Everyone of us deals with things so differently. Hence, different responses to those various situations that appear in life.
All human experiences are not the same. Although, at times a possible feeling of resemblance will appear and that similarity can at times relate to others.
Frances, had always believed that through living and learning , you internally grow as a human being. As life is not made up of perfect situations, far from it. It’s made up of understandings, life - lessons, development and growth. Then we finally become, from all of these things that we come to experience in life, as human beings travelling along, on our own paths.
(06/02/24)
© Josephine Daniels.
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