I kept going back to the past..from where time died.
I went back no matter how hard I tried to stop myself, I was deprived of those memories that once were the reason behind my new found happiness. I was deprived of the love that I received in those hazy days, I was deprived of my dead lover's touch that felt so fruitful after my hectic day.
I kept going back to the time that already withered away.
I remembered things that no one really cared about, I knew things that no one knew of and I knew what my heart said always..I knew it, yet I ignored it. I ignored the sayings of my own just to justify that I've moved on from my past but who knew..that I would secretly lure myself in to this lost maze of death that has passed away for so long.
I was deprived. I was desparate. I was filled with a jar of nostalgia in me, my memories called me lonely everyday and my desperation called me out as an outcast ..
Sometimes I find a way to escape this reality, sometimes I find the answer as to why I dwell myself more into things that have died rather than on those that are still alive...some times I know the reason and sometimes I don't. I'm irked by my own senses already, this reality bothers a part of me that has been rejected a long time ago...
I still don't get to be content, I'm filled with greed..a greed to be loved by him once again, a greed to be known as the beauteous one and a greed to be the most wise..it was a greed of being nostalgic everyday, it was a lust of those memories that died in someone else's story, it was a desire of mine to be alive in those passed memories once again and it was a longing to see my dead lover not be dead.
I know I am learning, but what is it that I've learnt so new lately?
My past traumatises me the most, it haunts me ..it nauseates me and it leaves me back in tears almost. I'm afraid of it, I'm in love with it, i have hatred towards it, I have failed in it and I've succeeded in it yet I wish to go back and relive my years of desparation.
I was lonely, I'm lonely still, and i wish to be alone..I do not wish for anyone to come to me and know my past, it's with me only, it's mine and can never be other's.
My journey to the past reminds me of my young immature love, my journey reminds me of my failure , it reminds me of how stupid I was and still am, it reminds me that I once was so passionate regarding life and how a sudden changes of my life destroyed me as a whole person..how a sudden turn in this novel of my life ruined me into pieces. I was regretful, I was guilty and I was afraid..yet I wished to travel back to the time that once was alive in it's own era. Yet I wished to relive the time when I resided in a confused maze.
© aymenfazel