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𝑨𝒍𝒍 𝑰 𝑵𝒆𝒆𝒅?
My wife and I are going through a divorce and I went over to her house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them."
Also, some of the folding tables, I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."
Hmm...
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..."
Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food.
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment.
"You can have have all the adult toys."
Except for the penis enhancer!
"That's all I need..."
"Wait!"
(I glance at my wife's body)
"Didn't I buy those boobies?"
She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it? I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!"
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!"
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled, but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"
(Sarah laughs)
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."
"Gosh Darn!"
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?"
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!" Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah!
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover.
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...
Here's one, "What makes a penis and Rubik's Cube similar?"
(Sarah says what)
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."
(he laughs and Sarah winks)
Sarah, "Hey, I got one,
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
(Keith laughs hard)
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)
Honey,
"They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. But, who in the hell runs eight miles in only 30 seconds?
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)
Keith says,
"Hey Sarah," What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Okay, Sarah, I got one more,
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000.
Hey honey, now tell Jack he better be good to you. Because if he doesn't I'll return to neuter and hog tie him.
"Goodbye honey!"
I love you...
© Charles Kemp
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them."
Also, some of the folding tables, I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."
Hmm...
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..."
Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food.
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment.
"You can have have all the adult toys."
Except for the penis enhancer!
"That's all I need..."
"Wait!"
(I glance at my wife's body)
"Didn't I buy those boobies?"
She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it? I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!"
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!"
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled, but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"
(Sarah laughs)
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."
"Gosh Darn!"
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?"
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!" Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah!
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover.
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...
Here's one, "What makes a penis and Rubik's Cube similar?"
(Sarah says what)
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."
(he laughs and Sarah winks)
Sarah, "Hey, I got one,
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
(Keith laughs hard)
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)
Honey,
"They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. But, who in the hell runs eight miles in only 30 seconds?
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)
Keith says,
"Hey Sarah," What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Okay, Sarah, I got one more,
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000.
Hey honey, now tell Jack he better be good to you. Because if he doesn't I'll return to neuter and hog tie him.
"Goodbye honey!"
I love you...
© Charles Kemp
