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Sin — page 2, Guilt trip
Her door didn’t open till late in the morning. I got up, made breakfast for us and left for the office.
“Going office now. lock the door behind me.”, I yelled passing by her door. I didn’t get any response.
In the office, it was hard for me to concentrate on my work. I was contently worried about her. Worried thoughts like I should have checked on her before leaving or least knocked on her door to see if everything was fine, were coursing through my mind.
I took out my phone and texted, “ did you eat today?”. I was still hasitent to call her.
I waited for a while and with each passing minute my patience was vailing thin. I mustered all the courage and brought up her number on the phone’s Dialer app. Never before I had seen me thinking and rethinking about dailing my own daughters number.
Luckily , before I could press the call button, my phone chimed. I checked my phone for messages and found a text telling that she had her breakfast and she was sorry she couldn’t reply soon as she was in college attending class.
“it’s fine.”, I texted back. I sighed relief and tried again unsuccessfully to concentrate on my work.
I called my boss and told him that I was not feeling well. Hence, I was going home.
I collected my stuff and left for home. While in the car on my way to home, I checked my watch. It was 3:30 pm in the afternoon.
“She must be at home by now.” I thought to myself. I was not ready to face her yet. I was afraid and embarrassed of something. I knew I had not done anything wrong but was still afraid and embarrassed. I needed more time. I turned my car towards a restaurant, I was frequent.
I ordered coffee and begun pondering over my next step. I though of several scenarios, several ways to address what had happened. I had also given a thought to leave everything on time and do not broach the subject at all.
Amidst this all, I lost track of time.
“Where are you dad?”, my phone chimed again and displayed the text.
I looked at my watch and it was 8:30 pm. “On my way to home. will be there in 40-45 minutes.”, I texted back still unable to call her.
I paid for the food and coffee and left for home.
At the door, I rang the bell and she unlocked it. I entered and went straight to my room.
“I have coocked Rajma chawal and I am setting up the table now.”, She spoke loud calling me to eat. She didn’t yell this time and her voice didn’t sound like it’s usual cheerful self.
I knew it was her attempt to bring back some normality in the home.
Befor reaching home, I had decided to confront her and tell her how angry I was with her before sitting her down and giving her the talk that a father should not give to his daughter but she didn’t have a mother so I felt that it was my fault for not guiding her in the matters of attraction and heart but when I saw her feeling uncomfortable around me, I decided against confronting her and left the healing on time.
I came back wearing my night suite and joined her at the table. We ate in silence. None spoke a word.
Time flew by and days changed into months. We had finally attained some normalency. We had again started to go out together, smile and laugh together but there was always that night somewhere in the corners of our heart causing a mild discomfort and sometimes awkward silences.Although, we had found a way to get around that momentous awkwardness. We could feel that our relationship had changed. In a way we had distant ourselves but we had also came closer to each other. I know this sounds confusing but that’s how the feeling are at times. They are confusing.
After some more time when I felt that finally everything had become normal, I got a call from her at my office.
“Dad. My result is out and I passed with good marks.”, She shared sounding happy and enthusiastic.
“Congratulations!”, I couldn’t say anything more out of sheer excitement and happiness. I felt like crying but I was aware of my surroundings so I got a hold on my emotions and just smiled a big smile.
“I have other news as well for you, Dad. but I will talk to you when u get home. Got to go, friends are calling me to celebrate.”, she disconnected the call abruptly.
I bought some sweets for my office colleagues and distributed them.
Rest of day was spent happy. In the evening, I drove back to home. I bought some sweets that she liked and knocked on the door.
She opened it and I hugged her tightly. It was the first hug in months where none of us felt any hesitation or discomfort.
We hugged for a minute and then I handed her over the sweets that I had bought for her.
“Let’s both change into something fancy and go out for dinner to celebrate.” I offered walking away from her and towards my room.
“Na. I had already cooked for us, besides I am too tired to even move a muscle. let alone going out.”, She replied crashing on the couch.
“Okay! but we should do something to celebrate.”, I didn’t push.
“Well, you can give me a gift for the efforts I have done instead and we can go out for dinner tomorrow on Saturday”, She requested making cute faces.
“Okay. What do u want?”, I asked without looking at her. I will tell u after I decide but for now, I want to talk to you about something.” She said switching her voice from happy to serious.
She was sitting on the sofa so she tapped on her side to cue me to sit. I set beside her. She took my hand between hers and spoke, “Dad, I got admission in one of the colleges in Mumbai. I had applied for transfer into multiple colleges and was waiting upon the result. Today, when I got my result and I got in into one of the colleges. It’s a good college and will offer me lots of opportunities and you don’t need to worry about the expenses as I have got them to give me 25% scholarship but I had to go to Mumbai to study”.
I was scared when she took my hand in her hands for a different reason but when she told me everything I was kind of relieved and sad at the same time.
I didn’t want her to go. Since the day of her coming in my life, I have never been separated from her for too long. I knew she had grown up and I knew she had to leave me one day but I had never imagined the day coming so soon.
I was stuck between being a good dad and loving dad.
“Do you really have to go? I mean the college you are studying in is also one of the best colleges. You can continue studying here.” I made an half hearted attempt to convince her to not go.
“I know dad but going to Mumbai moving into a different city on my own is a huge step that I must take. I can’t not always remain your little kiddo. Besides, you go to Mumbai at least 5-6 times a year for your office trip so we wouldn’t be separated for too long. I know you will miss me and I will miss you too but it’s a step I have to take for myself.”, she expressed holding my hand tightly.
I couldn’t argue with that. I knew she was right.
“Okay. When will you be leaving.”, I enquired. “A week from now.” she replied and we went silent for a while.
“And I am taking your credit card out of your wallet. I would need some new cloths and accessories.” She spoke smiling.
“Come on dad. Cheer up!”. She put her head on my shoulder and tried to cheer me up.
I caressed her hair and kissed her head. “I am not sad. I am just thinking about all the freedom, I will have after you are out of my heir.”, I teased her.
We laughed and then went to our rooms.
A week felt like few hours and before I could wrap my head around her leaving, the day of her leaving came.
“So tomorrow is the day. Are you sure you will be fine there alone?”, I reconfirmed.
“Yes dad. You worry to much.”, she replied smiling at me and cheering me up.
She was packing her bags for tomorrow. My eyes became teary but before the tears could roll down my eyes, I took a deep breath and held them back.
“So, have you decided on your gift?”, I asked changing subject.
“Ypp and you wouldn’t say “no”. you promise ?”, she made me swear.
“I swear.” I did as she asked.
“I wanna drink with you before I leave. Come back home early today and with a bottle of good whiskey. We will not sleep tonight and will drink with each other.”, she shared her plan excitedly.
“When did you start drinking ? you are just 21. you shouldn’t drink. Who got you drinking ? tell me the name. I will talk to him myself.”, I got angry knowing she drinks.
“Calm down dad. I don’t drink. This will be my first sip ever and I want this with you. Just this once. It will be a new experience for both of us because I know you don’t drink at all as well. Come on dad, I want to experience drinking as well at least once. Please dad… pleaseeeee..,”, She requested making cute child like faces and giving me puppy eyes.
“Okay. But you promise not to drink again?”, I made her swear this time.
I agreed even if every Fiber of my being was telling me against it but it was her last day with me and I didn’t want it to be all about fights and arguments.
In the evening, I came home early with a bottle of whiskey.
“Let me cook something light for drinking and in the meantime, you change into your night suite. Then we will setup a table on the rooftop.”, she laid out the plan for the evening once she saw the bottle in my hand.
To be continued……..
© summerof2000
“Going office now. lock the door behind me.”, I yelled passing by her door. I didn’t get any response.
In the office, it was hard for me to concentrate on my work. I was contently worried about her. Worried thoughts like I should have checked on her before leaving or least knocked on her door to see if everything was fine, were coursing through my mind.
I took out my phone and texted, “ did you eat today?”. I was still hasitent to call her.
I waited for a while and with each passing minute my patience was vailing thin. I mustered all the courage and brought up her number on the phone’s Dialer app. Never before I had seen me thinking and rethinking about dailing my own daughters number.
Luckily , before I could press the call button, my phone chimed. I checked my phone for messages and found a text telling that she had her breakfast and she was sorry she couldn’t reply soon as she was in college attending class.
“it’s fine.”, I texted back. I sighed relief and tried again unsuccessfully to concentrate on my work.
I called my boss and told him that I was not feeling well. Hence, I was going home.
I collected my stuff and left for home. While in the car on my way to home, I checked my watch. It was 3:30 pm in the afternoon.
“She must be at home by now.” I thought to myself. I was not ready to face her yet. I was afraid and embarrassed of something. I knew I had not done anything wrong but was still afraid and embarrassed. I needed more time. I turned my car towards a restaurant, I was frequent.
I ordered coffee and begun pondering over my next step. I though of several scenarios, several ways to address what had happened. I had also given a thought to leave everything on time and do not broach the subject at all.
Amidst this all, I lost track of time.
“Where are you dad?”, my phone chimed again and displayed the text.
I looked at my watch and it was 8:30 pm. “On my way to home. will be there in 40-45 minutes.”, I texted back still unable to call her.
I paid for the food and coffee and left for home.
At the door, I rang the bell and she unlocked it. I entered and went straight to my room.
“I have coocked Rajma chawal and I am setting up the table now.”, She spoke loud calling me to eat. She didn’t yell this time and her voice didn’t sound like it’s usual cheerful self.
I knew it was her attempt to bring back some normality in the home.
Befor reaching home, I had decided to confront her and tell her how angry I was with her before sitting her down and giving her the talk that a father should not give to his daughter but she didn’t have a mother so I felt that it was my fault for not guiding her in the matters of attraction and heart but when I saw her feeling uncomfortable around me, I decided against confronting her and left the healing on time.
I came back wearing my night suite and joined her at the table. We ate in silence. None spoke a word.
Time flew by and days changed into months. We had finally attained some normalency. We had again started to go out together, smile and laugh together but there was always that night somewhere in the corners of our heart causing a mild discomfort and sometimes awkward silences.Although, we had found a way to get around that momentous awkwardness. We could feel that our relationship had changed. In a way we had distant ourselves but we had also came closer to each other. I know this sounds confusing but that’s how the feeling are at times. They are confusing.
After some more time when I felt that finally everything had become normal, I got a call from her at my office.
“Dad. My result is out and I passed with good marks.”, She shared sounding happy and enthusiastic.
“Congratulations!”, I couldn’t say anything more out of sheer excitement and happiness. I felt like crying but I was aware of my surroundings so I got a hold on my emotions and just smiled a big smile.
“I have other news as well for you, Dad. but I will talk to you when u get home. Got to go, friends are calling me to celebrate.”, she disconnected the call abruptly.
I bought some sweets for my office colleagues and distributed them.
Rest of day was spent happy. In the evening, I drove back to home. I bought some sweets that she liked and knocked on the door.
She opened it and I hugged her tightly. It was the first hug in months where none of us felt any hesitation or discomfort.
We hugged for a minute and then I handed her over the sweets that I had bought for her.
“Let’s both change into something fancy and go out for dinner to celebrate.” I offered walking away from her and towards my room.
“Na. I had already cooked for us, besides I am too tired to even move a muscle. let alone going out.”, She replied crashing on the couch.
“Okay! but we should do something to celebrate.”, I didn’t push.
“Well, you can give me a gift for the efforts I have done instead and we can go out for dinner tomorrow on Saturday”, She requested making cute faces.
“Okay. What do u want?”, I asked without looking at her. I will tell u after I decide but for now, I want to talk to you about something.” She said switching her voice from happy to serious.
She was sitting on the sofa so she tapped on her side to cue me to sit. I set beside her. She took my hand between hers and spoke, “Dad, I got admission in one of the colleges in Mumbai. I had applied for transfer into multiple colleges and was waiting upon the result. Today, when I got my result and I got in into one of the colleges. It’s a good college and will offer me lots of opportunities and you don’t need to worry about the expenses as I have got them to give me 25% scholarship but I had to go to Mumbai to study”.
I was scared when she took my hand in her hands for a different reason but when she told me everything I was kind of relieved and sad at the same time.
I didn’t want her to go. Since the day of her coming in my life, I have never been separated from her for too long. I knew she had grown up and I knew she had to leave me one day but I had never imagined the day coming so soon.
I was stuck between being a good dad and loving dad.
“Do you really have to go? I mean the college you are studying in is also one of the best colleges. You can continue studying here.” I made an half hearted attempt to convince her to not go.
“I know dad but going to Mumbai moving into a different city on my own is a huge step that I must take. I can’t not always remain your little kiddo. Besides, you go to Mumbai at least 5-6 times a year for your office trip so we wouldn’t be separated for too long. I know you will miss me and I will miss you too but it’s a step I have to take for myself.”, she expressed holding my hand tightly.
I couldn’t argue with that. I knew she was right.
“Okay. When will you be leaving.”, I enquired. “A week from now.” she replied and we went silent for a while.
“And I am taking your credit card out of your wallet. I would need some new cloths and accessories.” She spoke smiling.
“Come on dad. Cheer up!”. She put her head on my shoulder and tried to cheer me up.
I caressed her hair and kissed her head. “I am not sad. I am just thinking about all the freedom, I will have after you are out of my heir.”, I teased her.
We laughed and then went to our rooms.
A week felt like few hours and before I could wrap my head around her leaving, the day of her leaving came.
“So tomorrow is the day. Are you sure you will be fine there alone?”, I reconfirmed.
“Yes dad. You worry to much.”, she replied smiling at me and cheering me up.
She was packing her bags for tomorrow. My eyes became teary but before the tears could roll down my eyes, I took a deep breath and held them back.
“So, have you decided on your gift?”, I asked changing subject.
“Ypp and you wouldn’t say “no”. you promise ?”, she made me swear.
“I swear.” I did as she asked.
“I wanna drink with you before I leave. Come back home early today and with a bottle of good whiskey. We will not sleep tonight and will drink with each other.”, she shared her plan excitedly.
“When did you start drinking ? you are just 21. you shouldn’t drink. Who got you drinking ? tell me the name. I will talk to him myself.”, I got angry knowing she drinks.
“Calm down dad. I don’t drink. This will be my first sip ever and I want this with you. Just this once. It will be a new experience for both of us because I know you don’t drink at all as well. Come on dad, I want to experience drinking as well at least once. Please dad… pleaseeeee..,”, She requested making cute child like faces and giving me puppy eyes.
“Okay. But you promise not to drink again?”, I made her swear this time.
I agreed even if every Fiber of my being was telling me against it but it was her last day with me and I didn’t want it to be all about fights and arguments.
In the evening, I came home early with a bottle of whiskey.
“Let me cook something light for drinking and in the meantime, you change into your night suite. Then we will setup a table on the rooftop.”, she laid out the plan for the evening once she saw the bottle in my hand.
To be continued……..
© summerof2000
